we'll be young forever

A year ago I was in a really really weird place.

Deeply unhappy at home but no idea how to express that I was feeling that way. It seemed impossible after all, how could I be unhappy? I'd just gone back to work, had started getting my body back, had a cute house, great friends, I wasn't single and I thought I was in love.

That sounds shitty when I say it that way. I was in love with him. That's true.

When I wasn't working, I didn't long for much but work. That year "off" was really hard on me both emotionally and physically. I guess I just stopped wanting anything but to go back to work and every failed job interview or resume I sent out without getting an answer was devastating. I was pretty sure I was never going to work again actually. I'd just about given up. The week I went in to interview to work at Wild, I had also applied at Starbucks, a jewelry store, a personal assistant, a receptionist... I'd even taken a job I thought was going to be rad at a "publicists" agency, which turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of spoiled rich kids playing "office." (Yeah I said it, wanna fight?) I left after two days.

Under all of this stress, this depression, this rudderlessness, I didn't notice that back at the ranch things were going sour in my love life. Because I didn't have the energy to worry. It was there. He hadn't left in the middle of the night and taken the cat. I was so focused on getting a job again and getting "me" back, that it was almost all I had energy for. Beyond the crying jags and the three or four trips I took to do things I never had time for while working just to do SOMETHING.

So I got the job at Wild. And the fog lifted and I started... I don't know mingling with my kind again. I didn't know how STARVED I was to talk about radio, to talk about music, to just talk about bitchy office bull-ish until there was one day I was at work and I made my boss laugh or something. We had started telling radio stories. In a weird way me and the boys in the back became the Three Amigos or something, because there we were in our little pirate ship doing what we love at any means neccesary. I don't know who did what first but by the time I went home for Thanksgiving, I knew I had a solid foundation back home. Friends. Brothers. People that opened my eyes to two things: I am not that bad and I am alive.

By Christmas, I knew... things weren't ever going to be the way they were again at home, no matter how hard I tried. Because I was someone else again. I was me, and not this defeated little thing. I'll tell you right now I walked into my last job not knowing shit. I knew how to talk on the radio and how to boss my boss around (ha ha, kinda) but not really how to do my actual job. I learned on the fly, on fire, with a team of cheerleaders and from one of the coolest mofo's I've ever known. It was very SoCal touchy feely but they let me in, they held me up and taught me everything they knew. Changed my life really. By Christmas I knew that my heart had changed it's mind and I had to do something with myself.

I didn't know last Thanksgiving, that a year later I'd be here, in Chico, hundreds of miles from everyone who made this possible, doing something I had always said I could do (and did do for awhile) and doing it better than a lot of people will ever let on. I have the professional gig I always wanted more or less. I made friends with lightening fast speed, I am seriously shocked myself, I'm a goober, I don't even want to hang out with me. I tried so many new things and met so many great people and formed my own little radio family up here as well.

And then there's the happiest accident of all, Ben. Last year I wouldn't see myself here, getting ready to go out to tacos with my boyfriend on a random Thursday night because we've been so good living off of boxed meals and staying home (or homes I guess, we don't live together) for over a week! There's a lot to be said for this boy, but the most important part of it is, he sees me for exactly who I am. He knows when I'm broke or simply too overwhelmed to function and he just fixes it. Brings me groceries because he knows I'll just not eat before trying to figure out how to go to the grocery store on 10 bucks, helps me with the dishes, brought me a vaccuum cleaner when I couldn't get mine back from the coast... I don't ask, he just does. I never thought of myself as the girlfriend of a grad student, a teacher, a hydrologist, a scientist, a beer snob who loves to eat Ethnic meals, a lover of music and movies who gives the best hugs in Chico? Forget it, I never would've imagined it.

Doesn't mean it's not awesome. Doesn't mean I'm not happy.

A year ago I was lost and a group of people took me in and gave me the tools to find my own way home. I may still be traveling, in fact I know I am, but I'm closer than I was before.

me and love

My job has always been an issue in my relationships. I can't remember one that it wasn't. There is always the threat of my needing to move to another city for an opportunity or the long hours or the fact that I spend 90% of my time surrounded by men only, because there aren't a lot of girls in my business. It's always caused friction in my life as I am sure no one likes feeling like they come second to something else, even if they don't actually come second, it sometimes feels like it I'm sure.

I relate to this Gaga quote because I've done it a million times. Been sitting there looking at that decision. That ultimatum. Me or that. Us or radio. Us or the next adventure. Be with me or go be "famous" (I don't think I'm famous but I've had this load of shit thrown at my face before.) I've always chosen work. I've always chosen me. I'm selfish that way.

I've never regretted it though. And I honestly think it's impossible for me to meet someone who understands 100% how my business works. Because if I meet someone like that, they probably work in the same business and they're just as driven as I am. Just as ambitious. Just as focused. Just as much of a geek. I know there are more of "me" out there, I've worked with them. I've admired them. But I also know that given the choice: a relationship or work, they'd chose work, just like me. Work is always there, there is always something to be done, you can always go drown yourself in it when you're lonely.

To be fair, nothing is wrong now. I'm not terribly lonely or having issues really, just saw this today and it really struck me. Kinda weird to know one of the most famous women in the world has the same world view as me....

home

So right now I'm trying to play my trip back to Bakersfield for Thanksgiving. Hell, I'm TRYING to go home for Thanksgiving. The way things have been going and the sheer distance involved, I am almost not sure I can. I don't get the day before Thanksgiving off. I basically can not drive at night and it's supposedly six hours to Bako from here, although it took me 10 hours last time I did the drive.

Ben may come with me, which would be cool because then he could drive us down the night before Thanksgiving after I get off work. That'd be great, yeah we'd get into town hella late, but it beats me dragging into town at like Noon on Thanksgiving day. We could stay until Saturday and then swing through SLO for a night if any of my friends are going to be in town (I'm looking at you Teresa!) because he's never been to San Luis Obispo and drive home Sunday morning EARLY. It's gonna depend on his school schedule and his work schedule and if of course he actually decides to come.

If I don't go home, this would be the first holiday in my life I didn't spend with my family. I have no idea what I'd do here. Maybe have an orphans Thanksgiving of my own... I guess I could take the train but I don't even know what that would cost, when it would leave, etc.

I have moved to the damn moon.

Been chatting with some of my people back home at the old stations and maaaaan I miss them. I forgot to mention that when I was home last month, Wild sounds as amazing as ever. I stopped in there twice over the weekend and was shocked at how much I missed it. When I was there on Saturday visiting someone I kept feeling like I should get up and do something. I may have even offered to voice track. It's silly but I felt more at home there at the end than ever did running my own station over across the street. Could've been the people I worked with. Could've been that whole thing where you have to bond when there are like three of you. Could've been working with my best friends. I don't know. I know we were "miserable" there a lot but it was a really special time and place for me and I'll never ever regret it.

Anyway I have radio of my own to make. We're in the middle of planning another huge event and I'm exhausted. Go figure.

slo mo home sickness

You might have guessed by now things aren't going awful for S. Beezy in the big C. The Moon is populated with cool people who just want to take me tubing and show me something called the holes and want to watch movies, drink booze and eat raw fish. Rock the eff on, I'm okay with this. I've even gotten used to it being like consistently 90 degrees and the fact that I should probably carry cash and not rely on my debit card like I did back home. I've had a dinner party in my house, pool party in my pool and many adventures. Yay, Chico isn't awful.

What you may or may not have guessed is... I miss home. For a long long time I fought against San Luis Obispo becoming my home because I knew if I got attached I would stay too long, but SLO is a tricky bitch that way and slowly but surely became my home. My heart's home. Yes I left my heart in San Luis O-Cheezy Bitch.

Here's what I miss, in no particular order:

The Black Sheep and their fantastic food. Mac and Cheese or Chili, holy baaaajeezus. And of course the amazing "make me something red" game. Nicole, who became my friend over the last year, mommying me through many of my little nervous breakdowns, including this move. Daaaayammn girl, I miss you. I miss Teresa Leigh Lara and her amazing family... always being there when I missed my own and Teresa and I having the SIP AND BITCH sessh after work... I love this girl like a fat kid loves cake dude, alot and often and I miss her and wanted to surprise her this weekend but I couldn't. I miss SushiYa. Best goddamn sushi joint on the west coast, don't let anyone tell you differently. I miss the Lovely and Talented Darcy and our SIP AND BITCH sesshes on the promenade or her deck. I need to get home and hug that girl. Of course when talking about the ladies in my life I'd be remiss to leave out my BFF Kristin and all the times she has held me up when I was about to fall over, and all the times I stopped into her work to decompress and gossip. I miss you baby girl!

I miss Wild 106.1. No joke, this is hands down one of the best radio stations in the world and I am completely blown away that I ever worked there. The man behind this monster won't ever agree with me, because he's shy like that, but you could take Wild straight up and throw it down next to any huge CHR and it will hold it's own. I am proud of that beast as if it was my own and for a minute or so, I got to play on the team. But I honestly miss listening to it as much as working on it, although not as much as I miss the studio there because let's face it, you could put ten of my studios in it and still have room for a napping couch.

Speaking of Wild... I miss my boys back home. I miss the insanely inappropriate Danny P, who sucks at staying in touch via Facebook but pretty much rules at life and doesn't know it, but held my head on straight more times than not. I miss our mixers, DJ Slick-nicest mother grabbin' dude on the coast, DJ Sauve Javi- new dad and old friend of mine, DJ Sol- who won't tell you this, but he's radder than eff and crazy talented. Also I'd be remiss in forgetting that snotty brat morning guy Jojo Lopez, who without I would have probably spent my last months in SLO with my head in the oven. Watch out for that kid, he's a genius, maybe even an evil genius and one of the best people in the world. Hands. Effing. Down. Love that snot.

I miss Mr Ricks and having drinks with my boy Steven Murray after work. He's not there anymore but I love him like family just the same. I miss Jenn Wynn. I miss Justin V like eff. Steve and Beau and of course the formidable Levi Caron, who will one day book the largest bands in the world. That kid has an ear for music that will blow you away. I miss my Avila Beach Familia- Jay, Courtney, Lora, Trent, Monkey, all y'all because you've always had my back and gave me more than I ever could repay. I love you bitches and I'm homesick for you.

I miss my BFF Tristan Negranti, which shouldn't even be possible because we talk every day and he's still a raging bag of dicks, just like I like him. I miss the possibility of running into that Jon Hansen asshat, because I love him too and love arguing with him. Don't know if he knows this but I used to just save up crap to make him mad because Jon yelling... funniest thing ever. I miss my Scott Taylor. I miss Amy Jacobs. I miss Mardi Hall. I miss the lovely Micheala Tanner which I didn't bring up in my blurb about Wild since she doesn't work there anymore, she can be with the El Dorado peeps. No SERIOUSNESS Kella was so kind to bring me out of my shell at Mapelton and MAKE ME play with the others. I'm beyond glad she did.

What else do I miss... Man I miss walking down to the sand on a Sunday, popping my ear buds on and checking out for four hours. I miss dancing at the Grad (no really I do, the Grad here aint like back home.) I miss going wine tasting. I miss Mc Bar. I miss Sunday Funday.

Anyway... its all good. I'm finding my way here. I just want y'all back home to know you are insanely loved and not forgotten. I HOPE to be down before the book starts to visit for a night or two, so cross your fingers, I'll hollah at you.

Love you all!

how to piss off a radio dj in 30 seconds or less

Okay for those of you not in radio let me start by saying this: a radio DJ's headphones are like... well they're like their LIVES. Headphones are one of the few things most of us will shell out some serious bank on (and really when you're in our business anything over five bucks is serious cash, but I digress) and most people have a pair that cost a MINIMUM of 70+ dollars. At least.

They are also kind of a personal item. I mean we wear them on our heads and our ears, and clean as anyone is, that's kind of some intimate contact. As a rule, most people don't share hairbrushes and q-tips, so you get the idea.

What some people do not understand is that headphones are a piece of sensitive equipment and being the neurotic crazy people most radio folks are, we do fetishize them a tiny bit and probably are overly sensitive about our personal pairs. It's pretty rare to lend them out and often times it's almost impossible to use someone else's because your pair sounds and feels the way you want them to. These are your ears, so to speak and using someone else's headphones is like trying to hear with someone else's ears. Even if you're comfortable rubbing something on your head that's been on someone else's head (and believe me, I've borrowed a pair here and there for various reasons) most of the time it just feels, weird.

Anyway back to the point... I don't lend my headphones out very often. I'm obviously extremely crazy about them. While I didn't purchase them personally, they weren't cheap and I can not imagine being able to afford to replace them with a comparable pair any point in the near future. I also can't see myself using anything but these. I love them.



That being said, I do on occasion let someone else use them. Like I let Jeremy use them for like five minutes the other day when he was learning the board/automation system again and he gave them back to me in the same condition I handed them to him in, because yo, V-Rock gets it, right? But when I lend them out and they come back to me... well okay with the cords all wrapped up around the headband/ear pieces that makes me nuts, because it does damage the wires inside the cords. Think about when you pinch off a hose to stop the flow of water if that doesn't make sense. Or when I lend them out and then have to go track down the adapter that plugs into the mixing board because someone either left it plugged into the board or just pulled it off and left it on the counter? Man that makes me see red, because what if it's lost? How do I do my show without being able to plug myself into the board?

Other things people have done that almost drove me to a rage fit... wearing too much hair gel and using my headphones (so gross!) not putting them back in the drawer or handing them to me, you know just tossing them on a desk, out of their little bag? Arrugh maddening. Or tangling the cords and just leaving them knotted up. Taking them without asking? Man I want to cut a bitch when that happens, and when you work in a place without locking drawers, cabinets, etc, it will happen. (Both the stealing of headphones and the me cutting a bitch.)

Am I the only one who's this crazy?

What the hell is it with ants at radio stations?

Back when I first started working for Wild and the Beach back in SLO we had this epic ant epidemic. Like you opened the freezer and a thousand ants had marched to their freezing cold death in the freezer. You'd turn on the kitchen light and it would look like the floor was MOVING. Insanity. We figured our building was built on some sort of ancient ant burial ground, but no, it was just out in the middle of nowhere, where all kinds of critters would be hanging out.

This is my third week in Chico and by week two it became painfully clear that we too are being overrun by ants. And these are weird HUGE mutant black ants and no matter how much ant spray we spray on them, they just won't die or go away. We'll get them out of one studio and they'll move into another. It's frustrating and kinda gross to be honest.

It was also kind of fortunate because I got to introduce the good people of the Chico radio group I work for to the ant eater meme. Remember these guys?




We now have ant eaters in both rock stations, but I don't think they're actually helping anymore than the ant poison. Nuclear mutant ants! I even tried the unthinkable this weekend... I cleaned the studio. I'm talking on my hands and knees with disinfectant wipes, cleaning the shelves. I was richly rewarded for this by stabbing myself in the finger with an industrial strength staple that was hidden up in the shelving unit somewhere.

Never let it be said I don't bleed for my work.

The last great San Luis Obispo mystery

When I was working in SLO at Mapleton part of my job was to cut up and load this talk show hosted by a guy named Karel for our AM station. Karel is an openly gay liberal talk show host and his show is GREAT. Seriously if you're still in SLO or a market that broadcasts him, listen dude, he's fantastic (he also pod casts!)

Anyway part of loading the shows was listening to his bumper music which for lack of a better word was always FABULOUS! My former boss and I would crack up at all the Timbaland and Justin Timberlake and Cher going out over the AM airwaves, but Karel had this one song that Jo would sing all the time and we never knew who did it. Why I never thought of looking it up via the lyrics while I was still in SLO, I'll never ever know. Probably because when we were joking and singing this song, I didn't think two weeks later I'd be 300+ miles away.

At any rate, yesterday some conversation I was having with someone brought this song back up in my mind and I was determined to figure out who the hell sang it and I finally did! Yay me!





Enjoy

times like these

You are currently reading the blog of one very very tired DJ.

I had my first day on the air here in Chico today and while there were some hiccups and a few technical boo boo's I made it through and even got some nice comments from some listeners. So I guess I live to fight another day.

I posted about starting my job at WiLD awhile back and how weird it was. I mean previous to walking into that building, I had never worked anywhere less than seven years. Seriously, I was at both of my previous clusters for seven years a piece and when I walked into the building out on Buckley a year ago, I wondered if that was where I was going to spend the next seven years of my life.

As it turns out it wasn't, even though some of the friendships I built there, I can't imagine my life without them now... So here I am less than a year later, starting all over again. Life's a trip that way.

I still miss everyone back home terribly. Like more than you could imagine and more than I will ever admit, lest you Central Coasters get swelled heads. But today was probably the first day since I've been here that I felt in control of the things I'm supposed to be in control of and I wonder if being on the air was the missing piece since I got here. Probably, I'm a freakin' ham. Since I don't know anyone here yet, might as well talk to the microphone, right?

Next I just really want my house unpacked and set up. I want the epic amount of laundry I have to wash to be cleaned. I want my cable and internet on (although presently I'd settle for having my television plugged in and the dvd player set up!) and I want a bed. I'll get all the other pesky things... friends, a social life, a hang out, a favorite sushi joint... it will all come in time.

Or if I remain as exhausted as I am today, that stuff won't matter anyway, so either way, it's a win-win situation. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hard earned glass of wine waiting for me at my house, along side of 98089787 boxes I still need to unpack.


This song has been in my head since I quit my last job.

being thankful

I'm gonna get all emotional and real here, so try to follow me here... And forgive me for letting my "girlie" side show....

Less than a year ago I walked into a little building out by the airport in SLO for the first time to start a new job. I knew like two people there and it was truly "the first day of school" all over again. I was convinced everyone thought I was over/underdressed, asking stupid questions and laughing too loudly. It's okay to admit that by the way people, even as an adult, you will still feel like this, unless you have epic amounts of Prozac hidden somewhere. (See my jokes, they suck! Why do you people listen to my show?!)

But a load of time has passed and I woke up one day and realized that, whoa, I'm home. These people aren't just my friends, they're my family. I'm a very lucky girl, and I just wanted to put that down on virtual paper. Because the more you count your blessings, the happier and more rich you feel. Trust me.

I promise my next blog will be about going to bars, listening to music and sports. Or something.



Feb 2010 at the Grad with Hardnox. Super good times

Project 365

February 3rd: Wild Wednesday at the Grad


February 4th: Trying a new camera app at Mr Ricks



February 5th: So uhh I guess someone got cut at the bar on Friday night. I missed the whole thing. Ewww

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the end of an era

The other day I was scrolling through Facebook and Twitter and kept seeing stories pop up about how this place, Woody's Bar and Grill in Bakersfield closed down. You wouldn't think something like that would be news, but for the handful of people on my list that used to work with me back there in Bakersfield, it kind of was.

See the radio stations I worked for, now owned by Clear Channel, are basically on the same lot as Woody's. You could run there in about oh 2 minutes if need be and so we all seemed to spend a lot of time there, either eating or you know, drinking very large glasses of beer. (Not me, I wasn't old enough for most of the time I worked in that building. Being the baby on the staff sucks.) But it was always a place we could have a staff party and everyone, yes even us babies could go and hang out.

I remember quite a few times sitting at the bar with my dad while the Sonics game was on or whatever having a coke and some fries after work.

The other thing that made it kind of neat was during the time I worked nights, myself and whomever was working down the hall on KKXX or KRAB (depending of course which one I was on) could call down and order our dinner. And because radio was different then and everything was on a CD or a cart (it's a big clunky tape) you would actually have to time out when you did things. So the order for the basket of chicken strips and the tereyaki burger would get put in and then when it was done, whoever took our order would call us back and ask us when we could come down and get it.

Whoever had the longest song coming up would then sprint down two flights of stairs and meet some poor server who had to come out to the parking lot and bring us dinner would meet you out back while the other person on the air would run back and forth between the studios making sure both stations were on the air. Good times.

Woody's was also particularly good on weekend night shifts because many many people thought that it was a closed restuarant and that the building we were in was a closed office building. There were always some interesting hi-jinx going down in that parking lot and it gave some very sleepy overnight jocks some strange entertainment over the years.

I don't really think it was the food or even the service that made that place special to everyone who worked in my building. It was just near by and the place you went to talk shop and unwind after a long day of making radio. It was really just an extension of our break room and anyone who's worked in radio knows the stations become your home, the people you work with become your family, so the places you hang out become special.

Project 365: January 21

January 21st: another day in radio land



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Project 365

January 11: Just noticing how many commercials that I worked on were running in a commercial break on the Beach one afternoon. Hi, I'm on the radio, ALOT.


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scenes from the radio world

Jojo and Donelle reading a commercial for me in the production studio

T-Rawk, Donelle and I at Marti's in SLO after work. I do believe we are the Fly Girls, except for Donelle, who is a boy

I don't know what he said, but I can guess, I'm sure.

I love that I love the people I work with. It makes going to work extra fun.

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Strange things you find

So earlier today I was cleaning all the various little slips of paper and crap out of my purse during my break at work and I found a business card I had picked up during my trip home to visit my folks. I had sort of forgotten about it, but it turns out I had a conversation and a drink with a guy that runs a porn website.

Yeah. A porn website, with a name I can't even repeat here!

For the record he was super nice and didn't talk to me about anything other than promotion and radio, but still kind of funny to think I sat at the bar with my dad and some dude that runs a porn website over the holidays.

The thing you should take away from this story is that my life, it's never boring.

i went home for the holidays

Sorry I haven't been posting, I was gone to see some family. So here are some images....

Me and two old school radio friends of mine The Real Bruce Wayne and Joe Brown

The parents

My cat Azriel who not only loves the Boston Red Sox, he also only loves my dad. Which is why he doesn't live with me.

Central Coast wines in the Valley.

My favorite self portrait as of late. This is another of my dad's cats, Cheddarbob who is a love whore and probably an allergists worst nightmare. This is also the blog debut of my new haircut from the lovely Erika at Cost Cutters in SLO.

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Gifts

So if you follow me on twitter you know that my good friend Teresa (aka @tlsquared) works here as well. After watching me jam my sort of expensive headphones (okay pretty darn expensive) into my purse day after day because I don't have a locker here or anything, so decided enough was enough and made me a bag for my "cans," as the radio folks like to call them.

This is so awesome. And better than the whole sticking them in a Crown Royale bag as radio jocks are want to do, because my headphones are too big for a standard Crown bag.

This has always been pretty funny to me since I pretty much have unlimited access to Crown bags since my stepmom works in a bar. I really should just start reselling them to other DJ's.

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get some sleep.

This blog is brought to you by insomnia and my favorite thing in the world: Wikipedia.

Back when I was in grade school I was mad in love with this rap group 3rd Bass. I honestly loved their single "Pop Goes the Weasel," and really still do, it's totally in my iTunes right now.

Eventually I ended up working at the radio station that used to play this song for me constantly when I was 11 and 12 and by the magic of Facebook, this radio station is having a reunion next year, and I am BEYOND excited. And so when I couldn't sleep tonight, I started YouTube-ing old videos from that era and looking up stuff on Wikipedia. Because this is this digital version of warm milk and a boring book usually...

Anyway, I decided to Wikipedia 3rd Bass. Did you know that Prime Minister Pete Nice
is not only a baseball fan but co-owner in a sports bar in Boston? McGreevy's 3rd Base Bar is owened by Peter Nash and... wait... it gets better.... Ken Casey from the Dropkick Murphys, one of my all time favorite bands.

One can only assume this union means that Prime Minister Pete Nice is a Red Sox fan. And I have it on amazing authority (my own, while I was backstage sleeping on the couch) that Ken Casey, nicest man in the world.

What does any of this mean? Either the world is too small or I've always had really good taste. Or I need to sleep more. Either way here's some music to enjoy.....

p.s. do you know who plays Vanilla Ice in the 3rd Bass video? Yeah, Henry Rollins.

i like food

So around what's normally quittin' time here at the radio station, a computer I need to do a really important job died. And I'm hungry. So here's pictures of food I've eaten before. Because I can't eat any now.

Both of these were from Sushi Ya in SLO.

This sushi was in Alaska. No joke.

This sushi was at Eagle Castle Winery in Paso during a bridal shower weekend.

SushiYa in SLO again. I love this place. I go there waaay too much.

Yeah, I'm still hungry. This isn't helping at all.

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blast from the past

While not in this exact room, I forsee myself doing this later on today anyway. Just me and my boyfriend with my other boyfriend Radio, on a date. I'm such a hussy.