we'll be young forever

A year ago I was in a really really weird place.

Deeply unhappy at home but no idea how to express that I was feeling that way. It seemed impossible after all, how could I be unhappy? I'd just gone back to work, had started getting my body back, had a cute house, great friends, I wasn't single and I thought I was in love.

That sounds shitty when I say it that way. I was in love with him. That's true.

When I wasn't working, I didn't long for much but work. That year "off" was really hard on me both emotionally and physically. I guess I just stopped wanting anything but to go back to work and every failed job interview or resume I sent out without getting an answer was devastating. I was pretty sure I was never going to work again actually. I'd just about given up. The week I went in to interview to work at Wild, I had also applied at Starbucks, a jewelry store, a personal assistant, a receptionist... I'd even taken a job I thought was going to be rad at a "publicists" agency, which turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of spoiled rich kids playing "office." (Yeah I said it, wanna fight?) I left after two days.

Under all of this stress, this depression, this rudderlessness, I didn't notice that back at the ranch things were going sour in my love life. Because I didn't have the energy to worry. It was there. He hadn't left in the middle of the night and taken the cat. I was so focused on getting a job again and getting "me" back, that it was almost all I had energy for. Beyond the crying jags and the three or four trips I took to do things I never had time for while working just to do SOMETHING.

So I got the job at Wild. And the fog lifted and I started... I don't know mingling with my kind again. I didn't know how STARVED I was to talk about radio, to talk about music, to just talk about bitchy office bull-ish until there was one day I was at work and I made my boss laugh or something. We had started telling radio stories. In a weird way me and the boys in the back became the Three Amigos or something, because there we were in our little pirate ship doing what we love at any means neccesary. I don't know who did what first but by the time I went home for Thanksgiving, I knew I had a solid foundation back home. Friends. Brothers. People that opened my eyes to two things: I am not that bad and I am alive.

By Christmas, I knew... things weren't ever going to be the way they were again at home, no matter how hard I tried. Because I was someone else again. I was me, and not this defeated little thing. I'll tell you right now I walked into my last job not knowing shit. I knew how to talk on the radio and how to boss my boss around (ha ha, kinda) but not really how to do my actual job. I learned on the fly, on fire, with a team of cheerleaders and from one of the coolest mofo's I've ever known. It was very SoCal touchy feely but they let me in, they held me up and taught me everything they knew. Changed my life really. By Christmas I knew that my heart had changed it's mind and I had to do something with myself.

I didn't know last Thanksgiving, that a year later I'd be here, in Chico, hundreds of miles from everyone who made this possible, doing something I had always said I could do (and did do for awhile) and doing it better than a lot of people will ever let on. I have the professional gig I always wanted more or less. I made friends with lightening fast speed, I am seriously shocked myself, I'm a goober, I don't even want to hang out with me. I tried so many new things and met so many great people and formed my own little radio family up here as well.

And then there's the happiest accident of all, Ben. Last year I wouldn't see myself here, getting ready to go out to tacos with my boyfriend on a random Thursday night because we've been so good living off of boxed meals and staying home (or homes I guess, we don't live together) for over a week! There's a lot to be said for this boy, but the most important part of it is, he sees me for exactly who I am. He knows when I'm broke or simply too overwhelmed to function and he just fixes it. Brings me groceries because he knows I'll just not eat before trying to figure out how to go to the grocery store on 10 bucks, helps me with the dishes, brought me a vaccuum cleaner when I couldn't get mine back from the coast... I don't ask, he just does. I never thought of myself as the girlfriend of a grad student, a teacher, a hydrologist, a scientist, a beer snob who loves to eat Ethnic meals, a lover of music and movies who gives the best hugs in Chico? Forget it, I never would've imagined it.

Doesn't mean it's not awesome. Doesn't mean I'm not happy.

A year ago I was lost and a group of people took me in and gave me the tools to find my own way home. I may still be traveling, in fact I know I am, but I'm closer than I was before.

me and love

My job has always been an issue in my relationships. I can't remember one that it wasn't. There is always the threat of my needing to move to another city for an opportunity or the long hours or the fact that I spend 90% of my time surrounded by men only, because there aren't a lot of girls in my business. It's always caused friction in my life as I am sure no one likes feeling like they come second to something else, even if they don't actually come second, it sometimes feels like it I'm sure.

I relate to this Gaga quote because I've done it a million times. Been sitting there looking at that decision. That ultimatum. Me or that. Us or radio. Us or the next adventure. Be with me or go be "famous" (I don't think I'm famous but I've had this load of shit thrown at my face before.) I've always chosen work. I've always chosen me. I'm selfish that way.

I've never regretted it though. And I honestly think it's impossible for me to meet someone who understands 100% how my business works. Because if I meet someone like that, they probably work in the same business and they're just as driven as I am. Just as ambitious. Just as focused. Just as much of a geek. I know there are more of "me" out there, I've worked with them. I've admired them. But I also know that given the choice: a relationship or work, they'd chose work, just like me. Work is always there, there is always something to be done, you can always go drown yourself in it when you're lonely.

To be fair, nothing is wrong now. I'm not terribly lonely or having issues really, just saw this today and it really struck me. Kinda weird to know one of the most famous women in the world has the same world view as me....

familia

I'm not an only child by any means. I have two sisters, but I am the oldest. I've never had any brothers and have no idea what it would be like.

However when I was working at the Sea Shanty down in SLO I seemed to acquire a few of them. My two favorites being my boy Jojo and my big brother Danny.

This is at my going away party. This picture is on my desk.

I think about these two all the time. My last few months in San Luis Obispo, man I wouldn't have made it if it hadn't been for them listening to me freak out and cry and these two knuckleheads constantly making me laugh and putting up with the fact I would just walk into their office and sit on the floor and cry like an idiot. I could be 811 years old and I will always consider them not just my friends, but my family.

It's funny I miss them like crazy and am often reminded of this fact when I'm on the Facebook, like this morning. I was very blessed with my time there at the Sea Shanty and I'll probably never not be grateful for it.

There are more, the lovely DJ Slick, the amazing Sauve Javi, the very cool, talented and extremely nice DJ SOL... Damn man, I miss you all so much. There isn't anything like that going in Nor Cal, this is certain.

I'm grateful because all of these people helped me find my way when I was so lost. I can't thank them enough, which means you'll hear about them again someday.

Love you guys lots. xoxoxo

Muse!

Tonight, my afternoon guy and annoying brother I never knew I had, Jeremy, the lovely Adele and that one guy Ben ;-) and I are all heading down to Sacramento to see Muse at the Arco Arena with some other people from Chico, who I haven't met yet, but all of Jeremy's friends are cool so I'm not worried.

Road Trip! Concerts! Tailgating! Del Taco! Yes please!

state of the Chico address

So since moving to the Planet Chico I've acquired some bitchin' free cable. I seriously have every channel out there. And internet. And a phone. Rad. Oh and I get paid to have it. Not too shabby if you ask me. Then I acquired a gym membership to what I am told is the best gym in town. Stoked, I just need to go in and sign up and turn in my certificates. Then I can start working out again (yay!) and continue to be the incredible shrinking Stephanie. Seriously I look NOTHING like I did a year ago. It's awesome.

Now I've just left a meeting where I'm getting a new bed. This is my first BRAND NEW BED that I didn't buy off of some one or have purchased for me by a parent or whatever. My very first grown up bed! LOL. No really though, I get to go to the store and pick out the bed of my dreams. I am more than excited about it.

And grateful. Seriously I was so scared to move up here and there are still days when I'm laying on the Craigslist futon and wonder if I can get up and do this again another day, or if it's ever going to stop being NEW and confusing and mildly scary, but at least once a week something cool surprises me and I feel... almost at home I guess.

My heart is still in San Luis Obispo, that's for sure. I mean I miss everyone and everything thing there constantly. Like there are still days I'd give anything to go walk into the Black Sheep with Teresa and drink a red drink and bitch about our jobs and boys with Nicole. Or to walk out to Pete's Pierside and eat an incredible fish taco and see my friends Trent and Lora and laugh and drink beers. And don't even get me started on how much I miss my Mr Rick's family or the incredibly bad ass staff over at Wild 106.1 because even as crappy as some stuff was (or silly or flat out inappropriate in the best way, really) my time there was, it's all in my heart and I am better for my time in "radio hell" (Or did I used to call it the 7th Level of Radio Hell. Or Where Radio Goes to Die, I can't remember, but I was WRONG on all counts.)

But I'm definitely finding my feet here. Making friends. Realizing my jocks are total bad asses. Finding places I like to go. Getting my grown up house together. Laying at my pool and reading lots of books and doing whatever the hell I feel like when I want to, because I can.

Like for instance the other day I looked up how far it is to go to Seattle. Did you know that I can drive to Seattle, Washington in 11 hours? It takes 8 hours to get to SLO for reference. I'm thinking about getting a couple of friends and making a road trip up there. I haven't been since I was a little kid and I'd love to see it again. And not be the only Seahawks fan for 1000000s of miles.

Later this week, Megan and Grant will be here. My first overnight guests since I moved to Planet Chico. I'm pretty excited to see them because duh, Megan is my BFF and I adore Grant. But it will be neat to show someone around my new town and introduce them to friends I've made here.

I remember the week or so before I left SLO, sitting in my boss Jojo's office and just bawling constantly thinking I was never going to make any friends and how I was just going to come up here and fall on my face. He always told me I was wrong. That brat, he just always has to be right...

look at this sweet ride

I mean would you look at this bitch? I honestly thought I was going to hate it, but I love the damn thing.

The day it came back from the shop was kind of a crap day for me at work. I was just having a really bad day and then Bryan came in and told me it was back. You have to understand I've been here about two months and this is the first time I've ever seen it. I felt positively giddy! Stupid, right? It's a radio station vehicle...

But damn, this thing is pretty special. Meatwad and I took it for a spin around the area and I just kept saying "This is so f#@king cool" over and over and hanging my head out the window, like a big dork.

It was one of those moments that's made this move worth it. The little cool things that pop up unexpectedly. Be it this beautiful bitch of a car or the many friends I've made in a short time or the fact that the a couple of the guys at Rawbar remember what I like to eat when I go in there or that the bartenders at Johnnie's know me by name, not because I go there a lot but because when I do, I sit and visit with them. Or you know finding out my air staff are a bunch of cool ass people and that my promotions director rocks the free world... It's just little stuff that makes me pause and go "Yeah, it's hard as hell, but I know I did the right thing."

photo dump

At LaSalles with Jeremy aka V-Rawk on Friday.

Rice Bowl dinner

Rice Bowl has a Marilyn Monroe roll....

Hanging out with the Z-Rock vehicle

Chada Thai

I went to this winery ran by monks....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

365 days later...

This is me on the last day of being 30 years old. Tomorrow I turn 31, if I like it or not. Oddly enough although I dreaded my 30th birthday like I was going to the gallows, being 30 ended up being kind of a roller coaster ride of sorts...

365 days ago I wasn't working. I didn't think I'd ever work again to be honest, I was ready to get a job (shudder) outside of radio and just do what I had to do. I wasn't particularly happy with my weight, my situation in life and I just sort of felt like... well like being 30 was going to just suck.

Then about a month into it, my friend Teresa called me. She'd been working at some radio group in town and they had an opening. And I applied and through some miracle of miracles I got that job and went to work with a bunch of people I've come to think of as my family. I made new friends, I became closer with friends I already had (hello Teresa is my SISTER these days, yo) I tried new things and started running, for my health, not because a big damn bear was chasing me.

And then another job came along. And it was like job Christmas, this was the job I'd been waiting for my whole life and suddenly there it was. Waiting for me to come take it and take a big scary leap. Which I did, because hey, what's life but a series of big scary leaps, one right after the next? So off I went.

So here I am. 30 for just a few more hours. It's a trip to think about how much has changed in just one year and to think how many people became so important to me in that short time and really touched my life. I just feel blessed. And oddly enough calm about turning 31. I have a feeling everything is just getting started for me...

The last great San Luis Obispo mystery

When I was working in SLO at Mapleton part of my job was to cut up and load this talk show hosted by a guy named Karel for our AM station. Karel is an openly gay liberal talk show host and his show is GREAT. Seriously if you're still in SLO or a market that broadcasts him, listen dude, he's fantastic (he also pod casts!)

Anyway part of loading the shows was listening to his bumper music which for lack of a better word was always FABULOUS! My former boss and I would crack up at all the Timbaland and Justin Timberlake and Cher going out over the AM airwaves, but Karel had this one song that Jo would sing all the time and we never knew who did it. Why I never thought of looking it up via the lyrics while I was still in SLO, I'll never ever know. Probably because when we were joking and singing this song, I didn't think two weeks later I'd be 300+ miles away.

At any rate, yesterday some conversation I was having with someone brought this song back up in my mind and I was determined to figure out who the hell sang it and I finally did! Yay me!





Enjoy

To catch you up...

If you're one of my five readers here and you're not my facebook friend, you haven't read this yet. This is a repost of a note I wrote about two weeks ago during the last week of my job at 95.3 the Beach and WiLD 106.1, two stations I will forever and ever treasure working for.... Enjoy!

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So if you've been watching my Facebook you know that I am leaving for the moon AKA Chico, CA this weekend. After eight years (and six years longer than I meant to be here) I'm taking my Sennheisers and my radio and going on to be a mother effing program director, again and or finally. Depending on who you ask. ;) I mean it was on allaccess yesterday so I guess I've gotta go!

But first, let me do this: let me hand out love to the people who got me here:

First and foremost my Dad deserves props for getting me into the family business. Yeah, radio is an unholy dog from hell but it turns out that I'm adequate at it and I've made some of the greatest friends in the world because of it. So even when I've struggled and couldn't always get my way in the business I've been thankful to my dad for getting me into it and supporting me when Ive needed it. I love you!

Also huge crazy love to my friend, my brother, my protégée the amazing Tristan Negranti who I have taught everything I know and who I have learned from as well. Never hire people who can't teach you things, you're only ripping yourself off. This guy is now the gaurdian of two of the first things Ive ever loved, New Rock and our amazing brain baby the Punk Ass Bitches Show (and about 15000 dollars worth of my music collection) and I am so proud of him. Thanks brother for everything.

Speaking of the Punk Ass Bitches Show, I love you brats too, past and present. Taylor Stevens is a force to be reckoned with and has amazing hair ;). No seriously he's the annoying brother I never wanted and watching him book shows and be freaking amazing over the years fills me with pride. You done good son. And of course the other Punk Ass Bitch in my life, Jon Hansen, there aren't words dude. We fought a war together and probably with each other too but this kid's brain is scary and you should run and hide when he wants something, because he'll get it. Get out the way people, this guy will cut you. I love you both so much and Im honored to have shared a studio/mic legacy with you.

Then there is the legendary Teresa Lara. Tee lee, t-rawk, sister of mine... Damn dude nothing I can say about you is public appropriate but that's why were friends. To the grave damnit. You're my blood and my heart and goddamn I do not know how Im going to do anything without you. Thank you for being my agent, my friend, my Mexican mafia and thanks for sharing your parents with me when I've been 200 miles away from mine. And hemming my pants. And cutting my jeans off. At the office. Ha ha. Remember that you are the best in the world and even when I'm on the moon you only need to call if you need a damn thing. We's family now, polite left three exits back.

On the family tip let me throw this out there; thank you and holy hella love to Danny Palicios, DJ Slick, Javi and DJ Sol for bringing me into the WiLD 106 family and never once making me feel like an outsider even when I clearly didn't know what I was doing. You all have been like brothers to me which is crazy because I've never had brothers but Im assuming this is what it's like. You guys are the best and I love you!

Hugs and holy crap thank yous to Rich Hawkins, Jason Squires, Jason Griffin, Jennifer Lea Goodwin, Amber Vanek, k-Dizzle, Darcy and freaking everyone who told me to do this. This includes you Steve Murray, Jenn Wynn, gorgeous Nicole no longer Sigman, amazing Rachel, Rob Weldon, all my awesome listeners who are now and always will be my friends, just wow thank you. Yes you too beautiful Tiffany Olguin, Micheala Tanner my social director for the last bit here. Vance Fahie, you're a prince and Im so glad we got to work together before we left. Scott Taylor and his amazing wife too, thank you thank you!

And finally there is this: a year ago I wasn't working at all and some dork with a funny name gave me a job and while it wasn't at the time the job I dreamed of, it was a life raft and it was a board and it was a mic and me talking on the air again and it was just what the eff I needed. If there's is anyone on the planet that I owe anything to that I'm not related to, it is the lovely and talented, the supremely amazing, crazy to still be here in SLO because he's that goddamn good, kind, paitent and above all slightly scary Jojo Mother Effing Lopez. When I am 900 years old living on the moon I will still remember and be grateful this guy, because even though my leaving is sucking donkey ass at work he pushed me to do this and helped me to go through it. I couldn't and wouldn't have done it without his support and I am enternally grateful. My brother from another mother, my friend, yeah dude, gonna miss you like hell.

And so that's it. Eight years. Over and out.

Thank you Central Coast. Visit me on the moon sometime.

Oxoxox

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On that note I'll try to keep up on my blog in the future. It will be easier once I get the internet turned on at my new place.

all six of you should know this

So if you caught my show or follow me on twitter, you know that yesterday was my good friend / boss's birthday.

I had promised not to embarrass Jojo yesterday, but today I can. (ha ha!)

I have never been so blessed to work for someone in all of my radio career. I consider this kid (who is always going to be older than me) family and always will.

Thank you for everything, and Happy Birthday, brat.