Heather.

Heather may have never remembered me, but I will always remember her. She was around during the best part of my Bakersfield life, the Misbliss days... Heather was the goddess that was my friend's wife.

Heather was a gorgeous, talented, brave, warrior woman. She was an Amazon. She may have even loved us little goth rock rug rats. What I do know is she was always extremely kind to me and a hell of lot of fun to be around.

I feel horrible because I heard what happened while I was home for Thanksgiving but it didn't click who had passed away, because of the way I got the information and because I never knew Heather by her birth last name, but as my friend's wife. My friend's last name.

Heather was never intimidating to me because she was so (excuse me) fucking inspiring to me. I loved her in this very little girl crush way. Because she was so brave and so sure of who she was. She wasn't at least in my eyes scared of anything or anyone. She was my own personal Siouxsie Sioux. I'll never forget her and a lot of my friends won't either.

Tell the people you love that you love them every day. Tell them constantly. Tell them until you're mute and they're deaf. Never let anyone you love slip away. Never let anyone you remotely care about feel alone. Never be afraid to tell people you idolize that you love them, that you care. Never. It's messy and embarrassing but it's real. Be real. Be strong. Be an Amazon.

This. When I think of Heather, this is what I think of:

Familia

we'll be young forever

A year ago I was in a really really weird place.

Deeply unhappy at home but no idea how to express that I was feeling that way. It seemed impossible after all, how could I be unhappy? I'd just gone back to work, had started getting my body back, had a cute house, great friends, I wasn't single and I thought I was in love.

That sounds shitty when I say it that way. I was in love with him. That's true.

When I wasn't working, I didn't long for much but work. That year "off" was really hard on me both emotionally and physically. I guess I just stopped wanting anything but to go back to work and every failed job interview or resume I sent out without getting an answer was devastating. I was pretty sure I was never going to work again actually. I'd just about given up. The week I went in to interview to work at Wild, I had also applied at Starbucks, a jewelry store, a personal assistant, a receptionist... I'd even taken a job I thought was going to be rad at a "publicists" agency, which turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of spoiled rich kids playing "office." (Yeah I said it, wanna fight?) I left after two days.

Under all of this stress, this depression, this rudderlessness, I didn't notice that back at the ranch things were going sour in my love life. Because I didn't have the energy to worry. It was there. He hadn't left in the middle of the night and taken the cat. I was so focused on getting a job again and getting "me" back, that it was almost all I had energy for. Beyond the crying jags and the three or four trips I took to do things I never had time for while working just to do SOMETHING.

So I got the job at Wild. And the fog lifted and I started... I don't know mingling with my kind again. I didn't know how STARVED I was to talk about radio, to talk about music, to just talk about bitchy office bull-ish until there was one day I was at work and I made my boss laugh or something. We had started telling radio stories. In a weird way me and the boys in the back became the Three Amigos or something, because there we were in our little pirate ship doing what we love at any means neccesary. I don't know who did what first but by the time I went home for Thanksgiving, I knew I had a solid foundation back home. Friends. Brothers. People that opened my eyes to two things: I am not that bad and I am alive.

By Christmas, I knew... things weren't ever going to be the way they were again at home, no matter how hard I tried. Because I was someone else again. I was me, and not this defeated little thing. I'll tell you right now I walked into my last job not knowing shit. I knew how to talk on the radio and how to boss my boss around (ha ha, kinda) but not really how to do my actual job. I learned on the fly, on fire, with a team of cheerleaders and from one of the coolest mofo's I've ever known. It was very SoCal touchy feely but they let me in, they held me up and taught me everything they knew. Changed my life really. By Christmas I knew that my heart had changed it's mind and I had to do something with myself.

I didn't know last Thanksgiving, that a year later I'd be here, in Chico, hundreds of miles from everyone who made this possible, doing something I had always said I could do (and did do for awhile) and doing it better than a lot of people will ever let on. I have the professional gig I always wanted more or less. I made friends with lightening fast speed, I am seriously shocked myself, I'm a goober, I don't even want to hang out with me. I tried so many new things and met so many great people and formed my own little radio family up here as well.

And then there's the happiest accident of all, Ben. Last year I wouldn't see myself here, getting ready to go out to tacos with my boyfriend on a random Thursday night because we've been so good living off of boxed meals and staying home (or homes I guess, we don't live together) for over a week! There's a lot to be said for this boy, but the most important part of it is, he sees me for exactly who I am. He knows when I'm broke or simply too overwhelmed to function and he just fixes it. Brings me groceries because he knows I'll just not eat before trying to figure out how to go to the grocery store on 10 bucks, helps me with the dishes, brought me a vaccuum cleaner when I couldn't get mine back from the coast... I don't ask, he just does. I never thought of myself as the girlfriend of a grad student, a teacher, a hydrologist, a scientist, a beer snob who loves to eat Ethnic meals, a lover of music and movies who gives the best hugs in Chico? Forget it, I never would've imagined it.

Doesn't mean it's not awesome. Doesn't mean I'm not happy.

A year ago I was lost and a group of people took me in and gave me the tools to find my own way home. I may still be traveling, in fact I know I am, but I'm closer than I was before.

Yay!

These are my friends Trent and Lora at my going away party...

I met them about two months before I moved to the Moon and they're good people. Always willing to help you with whatever and always always down to have a good time.

I'm excited because Lora's job brought them to Oregon which in turn is bringing them to Chico on their way back to their winter home in Bakersfield. We're probably going to get drinks and laugh loads. I can not wait.

----

On another note, HELLA homesick for SLO lately. I know, I know I was just there two months ago. I just miss a couple of people more than I care to let on. Need one of those big bear hugs and a laugh at my own expense.

Need some time at the Black Sheep with the lovely Nicole. Need to sink my toes in the sand...

Been listening to Lady Gaga Radio on Pandora while I'm home and it's like listening to a time machine.

Things about me you may not know

I'm a pretty sensitive kid. You wouldn't know it because I'm always joking and I laugh a lot. I like making other people laugh. I like to make other people feel like the best person they can be. I live for that kind of a thing. Hell if you think about it, it's kind of what I do for a living. I think the world would be a better place if everyone went around thinking how they could make other people feel good about themselves.

But for all the smiling and joking, I'm really a sensitive kid. I cry pretty easily when I'm alone. How emo, I know, feelings are lame. But it's true. I cry at talking animal movies, any movie where someone dies, I cry at books, I cry at sad songs. I am just this massive ball of emotional retardedness.

Someone asked me recently why I always say "It's fine, don't worry about it." I think it's because I'm telling myself that. Because being so far away from my support system, falling apart every time something hurts my feelings, it's not an option. Because if someone yells at me at work or I misread someone's intentions in my life, I can't just run over to Teresa's house or go to the Black Sheep and tell Nicole about it over some veggie chilli. Hell I can't even go to the radio station and unload on Jojo (which I'm sure he's relieved about, ha ha) or make Tristan go to McCarthy's with me so he can tell me to sack up, rub some dirt on it and walk it off.

On the same level I can't just get in the car and drive two hours and be at my parents house either. Or Jackie's house. Or well... anyone. I'm six hours away at least from everyone who knows me best. So being sad, having a fit, needing something, these aren't options. It has to be okay. I can not worry about it.

Like on Thursday we had this huge event. And some stuff went wrong. And I couldn't freak out. I had no option but to say it was fine, walk it off and put a big smiley face on for the television camera and for my people. So yeah I guess I say "It's fine, don't worry about it," a lot. It's sort of like my mantra any more.

And it is.. it's fine. Moving up here was the scariest thing I have ever done. I don't think anyone understands how good, at least emotionally I had it at my last job. I was safe. I was with friends, hell those people are my family. It was fun and I had very little to account for. (Although Jo would probably tell you I kept trying to get more to do and probably over worked myself for what I was making, but hey you do that for the things/people you love) But with the love and support of my family and friends I made this jump to the moon and I'm here now trying to make my way. Trying. Most of the time it's going well.

goodnight

Last night I got the sad news that one of my former co-workers from the Clear Channel days of SLO and Santa Maria passed away.

M had been fighting cancer for awhile now. Hard. Four years ago they told her she had like six months live and well... that was four years ago. I think we all held our breath and hoped she'd beat it a little longer, because I can't think of a single person who doesn't love M. She was this gorgeous firecracker of a woman and although I didn't work with her every day, I looked forward to seeing her at our station gatherings. She always had a smile on her face and made everyone else around her smile too.

My heart aches for my former co-workers back home. My thoughts are with you guys. And with M, she'll be missed.

on a Mansion World

A long time ago there was this band Deadsy. My friend Russ got me into them back in 2000 when he took me to one of their first public shows. Actually it was before that, we were going to the Orgy "Vapor Transmissions" signing and he told me about this band he found searching Orgy on Limewire or Napster or whatever thing that isn't around any more. We went to see Deadsy about 3 months later at the Roxy Theatre in West Hollywood. It was the only show I ever got to see where Craig "the Beast" Riker played because unlike a lot of the old school "Legions" I didn't live in Los Angeles.

You wouldn't think so, but this band ended up actually changing my life. Like on a very real level. During the eight years I ran around in their circles I met some people who are still my family, my heart to this day. I've met Legions from all over the country, either that have flown in for a show or just flown to California to meet friends from the band's message board.

There are stories.... They are epic. For instance I met my former roommate and my best friend Jennifer through this band. My closest neighbor here in Chico, the amazing Casey Bowden up in Redding? Met him through this band. Susan, my gorgeous girlfriend who I've spent many a lost weekend with? Definitely through the Deadsy experience.

At first it was about the music. Getting what we thought was this crazy amazing band some exposure. Then honestly it became about the people. The boys in the band (well most of them) were down to Earth and more than happy to hang out with their fans. The fans were all dedicated and maybe we were not the coolest kids on the block at home but we made our own little world. There was message board royalty. Seriously. There were the people you always wanted to meet when you went to shows, either because of their pictures or posts or how rad they were in the weekly Deadsy chats and later because of their Myspace pages or whatever...

A few days ago one of the former board members, Stillbirth was one of his more popular handles, started a group on Facebook called "Deadbook," and we've all been meeting up on there and talking and sharing pictures and stories from the old days and it's almost like no time has passed at all. For some of these people this is like their high school reunion. For me it's like a family reunion. I can absolutely say that these kids saved my sanity when I went through a really shitty break up back in 2007. I was running the West Coast street team when "Phantasmagore" came out and I had to watch the board, mail posters, go to shows, meet people and make phone calls. When I wasn't working at the radio station I was doing Deadsy shit. And it was the only way I didn't go absolutely crazy. Because even if I was sad or depressed about my situation, these kids wanted to talk to me on the phone or chat online. We shared each other's lives. I knew what was going on in each and every one of their lives and they knew mine, even people I've never met. We bonded over this band and then took each other in.

By the time the ride was over, it wasn't even about the amazing music anymore. It was about the amazing people, the great times, and the feeling that at least for awhile, we all had each other. Most of these people are still my friends. Even people that haven't listened to a Deadsy record in years, I still talk to them. Actually it's funny Carlton, one of the guys in the band plays with Berlin part time now, and I saw him back in SLO before I moved and I hadn't seen him for more than five minutes in probably four years and it was like no time at all had passed. He's one of the great ones. I am grateful I got to spend a little bit with him before I moved up here.

And I'm grateful to L for bringing this group online again. I missed the constant interaction and I'm glad that at least for a little while, we're all together again.

This was filmed at the first show I ever went to.

so that was weird

I met a girl last night at the Flyleaf show who is a fan of mine. Like an honest to goodness ran down the street and jumped up to hug me fan. I haven't experienced much of that.

Lacey from Flyleaf is actually smaller than me. She's very sweet and very pretty in person. I could put her in my pocket and taken her home. But Lily might have eaten her. That tiny.

Pretty weird to hug someone who's been nominated for a Grammy. Pretty weird to go on stage and not think a thing of it, but that's what Jeremy and I did last night.

Hung out with Adelle afterwards, while she ate her dinner after getting off work at Duffy's. Came home, watched some tv (I'm trying to see what the big deal is about the Vampire Diaries so I borrowed it. So far I'm not impressed but I was pretty exhausted last night.)

Got my Halloween costume yesterday. ITS PERFECT.

Had some sad news from back home. A former co-worker of mine and a fantastic lady has had Cancer for awhile now and yesterday they told her she has a week left. They told her she had six months to live about four years ago though, so obviously her doctors are wrong. Obviously.

Ben has had a cold since Sunday. He let me fuss over him and take care of him Sunday night because we were already together when he started feeling crappy but he's been holed up at home since. I miss him. My friend Cesareo is in town tonight playing a show and I'd like to take Ben if he's up to it.

Blah blah blah.

temper trap

I do not have a bad temper usually. I'm pretty even when it comes to most things, aside from work and people screwing with people I love. For the most part whenever someone metaphorically shits on me, I just let it slide.

Yesterday I did not and I yelled and said some mean shit and hung up on someone. Not classy. Not my style. But I did it and I can't take it back. I may not even want to.

I realize that I hurt people sometimes. And I realize I do a lot of things wrong. But I do not wake up every day thinking how I'm going to screw someone over or hurt them. Sometimes I even panic when I don't know how to deal with a situation and try to do the least hurtful thing. And that usually ends up being wrong too.

I'm being vague because running off and blabbing to the internet about the little incident yesterday not really the thing to do... but I needed to get this off my chest.

People don't realize it, but when a relationship ends, both people are hurt. Continuing to remind a person who ended it doesn't change the fact that even the "dumper" as it were is in pain when they do it. I never take the decision to terminate any kind of relationship, friends or romantic, lightly. And in ending my last relationship, I agonized over that decision for months. Yes months. It wasn't all just the move. Or all just a friendship I had that got out of control. Or all money. There were a lot of reasons. The main one being I felt like I had already been given up on and had stopped mattering. And that's why.

This isn't to say I'm some kind of a saint. I am not. I did a lot of things wrong. Turns out I did some stuff wrong that I didn't even know I did! But I can't change it now and I guess the best thing to do now is let it go. Throw that pain out with the bathwater and hope that by cutting me completely out of their life, the person I hurt can find happiness. Because I want that for them.

It's all I ever wanted for them.

home

So right now I'm trying to play my trip back to Bakersfield for Thanksgiving. Hell, I'm TRYING to go home for Thanksgiving. The way things have been going and the sheer distance involved, I am almost not sure I can. I don't get the day before Thanksgiving off. I basically can not drive at night and it's supposedly six hours to Bako from here, although it took me 10 hours last time I did the drive.

Ben may come with me, which would be cool because then he could drive us down the night before Thanksgiving after I get off work. That'd be great, yeah we'd get into town hella late, but it beats me dragging into town at like Noon on Thanksgiving day. We could stay until Saturday and then swing through SLO for a night if any of my friends are going to be in town (I'm looking at you Teresa!) because he's never been to San Luis Obispo and drive home Sunday morning EARLY. It's gonna depend on his school schedule and his work schedule and if of course he actually decides to come.

If I don't go home, this would be the first holiday in my life I didn't spend with my family. I have no idea what I'd do here. Maybe have an orphans Thanksgiving of my own... I guess I could take the train but I don't even know what that would cost, when it would leave, etc.

I have moved to the damn moon.

Been chatting with some of my people back home at the old stations and maaaaan I miss them. I forgot to mention that when I was home last month, Wild sounds as amazing as ever. I stopped in there twice over the weekend and was shocked at how much I missed it. When I was there on Saturday visiting someone I kept feeling like I should get up and do something. I may have even offered to voice track. It's silly but I felt more at home there at the end than ever did running my own station over across the street. Could've been the people I worked with. Could've been that whole thing where you have to bond when there are like three of you. Could've been working with my best friends. I don't know. I know we were "miserable" there a lot but it was a really special time and place for me and I'll never ever regret it.

Anyway I have radio of my own to make. We're in the middle of planning another huge event and I'm exhausted. Go figure.

signs that I'm not from Nor Cal

Ben and I were drinking sake that his brother just brought back from Japan (like nothing in the box is in English) that comes in a juice box at the Muse show. Hipster much?

Also the crowds in Sacramento? Klassy. Yes with a K.

Even the largest city that's reasonable driving distance to me is moon like.

But from now on whenever I go to an arena show I'm renting a pregnant woman to go with. Adele made us all look responsible and people gave us a lot of space. Ha ha. But the baby enjoyed the show from what Adele said. Baby girl was dancing up a storm.

Day 24 - A song that you want to play at your funeral

Flogging Molly - If I Ever Leave This World Alive

And obviously I want all my friends (all four of them here in Chico, ha ha) to have a huge party. No one is supposed to be sad. Jennifer already agreed to make sure it's quite a party, and she's younger than me so she'll make it happen when she's 85 and I'm 90. ;-) Bring your drinking boots.

Muse!

Tonight, my afternoon guy and annoying brother I never knew I had, Jeremy, the lovely Adele and that one guy Ben ;-) and I are all heading down to Sacramento to see Muse at the Arco Arena with some other people from Chico, who I haven't met yet, but all of Jeremy's friends are cool so I'm not worried.

Road Trip! Concerts! Tailgating! Del Taco! Yes please!

thoughts on my trip to SLO

Man first of all I was glad to be home. It was great to know where everything was and see my friends and feel like I belonged. Don't get me wrong, I'm getting that way here, but to be able to walk into my Black Sheep and have something amazing dropped in front of me or an understanding face when I came back from visiting with someone else down there? Magic. Or seeing the amazing Jenn Wynn who doesn't facebook at Mr Ricks. Or putting my feet in the ocean...

Or my wonderful family there. The always amazing Tristan Negranti. My sister Teresa Lara. My hearts, Kristin, Micheala, and Jon! So cool of everyone to come out to see me. And of course the lovely Nicole who I missed like crazy. And yeah then there was my brother from another mother, the guy who kicked my ass up to the moon, Jojo Lopez, who probably didn't miss me one damn bit, but annoying the hell out of him was the best part of my day for about a year. No seriously, seeing everyone was crazy amazing and rad and I thank all of you for taking the time to put in facetime with me.

Leaving was hard. Not bawling my eyes out hard like when I moved, but definitely unpleasant. But I was grateful after many hours in the car to come home and find my amazing cat Lily had been well cared for by this boy person I know named Ben, who I have never mentioned by name here before. But there it is. I know a boy named Ben and he watched my cat and my apartment while I was gone. And he's pretty rad. So there's that.

Tonight I'm going downtown to see some live musics and probably eat tacos. Tacos morning noon and night people. It's how we roll in Chico.

I don't know when the next time I drop down from the moon will be. Hopefully before the end of the year. I miss you all dearly. I miss you more than I'll ever say out loud or on this blog. Yes, especially you...

Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail

Again little meme, I'm gonna bend the rules and change this up a bit. I have a few best friends so picking one isn't fair. So I will write about instead my best friend that I have known the longest... My friend Megan, who ironically enough is coming to town to hang out with me tonight.

I met Megan in grade school. We were kinda opposites even then. She wore ribbons in her hair and I think they sometimes had to tie me down to get a dress on me when I was younger. At any rate I don't remember dressing nearly as cute as she did.

Megan and I on my 10th birthday.

We were friends all through elementary school and then her mom dragged her off to Nevada for awhile in Jr. High. I was so bummed and we used to write letters back and forth. When we started hanging out again in high school I was so glad. Megan is the best kind of girlfriend, up for anything, tougher than she looks, sillier than she'll tell you and kinder than anyone on the face of the Earth. We were together so much I'm pretty sure 50% of the school thought we were dating. Oh well.

Megan and I on Halloween our Senior year.

At the prom. We had dates too but eff them. Or mine at least. My date to this can definitely suck it.

We had many adventures together over the years. Most of which the statute of limitations hasn't run out on yet, so I can't write about them... ;) Something about auto theft or something and maybe a fist fight on someone's yard... Uhh I mean I'm kidding, all we ever did was bake cookies and go to the movies and shop!

Then we became grown ups somewhere down the road and Megan met the best guy in the world when she met this guy Grant.

Grant is a bad ass, all the way around.

Grant is Megan's perfect other half. How do I know this? I love Grant. We get a long very well and he's very understanding of Megan's shopping habits and of course of her having me as a friend. I'm a lot of hard work. No seriously Grant's rad and he just really made me and Megan's friendship that more rad.

Rides of March 2009

Making an honest woman out of my bff!

I am so not skinny here.

My beautiful, most long timest best friend Megan is asleep in my living room now. We had quite the time last night and they may stay one more night. I love her more than words could ever say. She's family at this point. She's my sister. She is my heart and some day we'll be at the old BFF's home talking about this one time we stole a car.

Except we won't cos that TOTES DIDN'T HAPPEN ;-)

Chico, CA 2010. I mean who the eff else would come see me on the Moon?

Epic Day for mail yesterday

In ONE day I got four things sent to me from Earth!

1- My Ghetto House Radio shirt that I'm hella stoked about and will be wearing today.

2-Two packages of books from my gorgeous friend Kristin back in the SLO area. So very needed!

3-A card and STICKERS from my friend Robin who assumed the duties of being me back in Bakersfield at the amazing and rad KRAB radio where I worked for seven years back in the 90's/Early 2000's.

4-A card and letter from the gorgeous and wonderful Nicole M at the Black Sheep. There was some hilarious news inside and of course the card was cute and wonderful.

I love all of my friends and really appreciate them thinking of me and taking the time to send me a little note here and there.

xoxox

state of the Chico address

So since moving to the Planet Chico I've acquired some bitchin' free cable. I seriously have every channel out there. And internet. And a phone. Rad. Oh and I get paid to have it. Not too shabby if you ask me. Then I acquired a gym membership to what I am told is the best gym in town. Stoked, I just need to go in and sign up and turn in my certificates. Then I can start working out again (yay!) and continue to be the incredible shrinking Stephanie. Seriously I look NOTHING like I did a year ago. It's awesome.

Now I've just left a meeting where I'm getting a new bed. This is my first BRAND NEW BED that I didn't buy off of some one or have purchased for me by a parent or whatever. My very first grown up bed! LOL. No really though, I get to go to the store and pick out the bed of my dreams. I am more than excited about it.

And grateful. Seriously I was so scared to move up here and there are still days when I'm laying on the Craigslist futon and wonder if I can get up and do this again another day, or if it's ever going to stop being NEW and confusing and mildly scary, but at least once a week something cool surprises me and I feel... almost at home I guess.

My heart is still in San Luis Obispo, that's for sure. I mean I miss everyone and everything thing there constantly. Like there are still days I'd give anything to go walk into the Black Sheep with Teresa and drink a red drink and bitch about our jobs and boys with Nicole. Or to walk out to Pete's Pierside and eat an incredible fish taco and see my friends Trent and Lora and laugh and drink beers. And don't even get me started on how much I miss my Mr Rick's family or the incredibly bad ass staff over at Wild 106.1 because even as crappy as some stuff was (or silly or flat out inappropriate in the best way, really) my time there was, it's all in my heart and I am better for my time in "radio hell" (Or did I used to call it the 7th Level of Radio Hell. Or Where Radio Goes to Die, I can't remember, but I was WRONG on all counts.)

But I'm definitely finding my feet here. Making friends. Realizing my jocks are total bad asses. Finding places I like to go. Getting my grown up house together. Laying at my pool and reading lots of books and doing whatever the hell I feel like when I want to, because I can.

Like for instance the other day I looked up how far it is to go to Seattle. Did you know that I can drive to Seattle, Washington in 11 hours? It takes 8 hours to get to SLO for reference. I'm thinking about getting a couple of friends and making a road trip up there. I haven't been since I was a little kid and I'd love to see it again. And not be the only Seahawks fan for 1000000s of miles.

Later this week, Megan and Grant will be here. My first overnight guests since I moved to Planet Chico. I'm pretty excited to see them because duh, Megan is my BFF and I adore Grant. But it will be neat to show someone around my new town and introduce them to friends I've made here.

I remember the week or so before I left SLO, sitting in my boss Jojo's office and just bawling constantly thinking I was never going to make any friends and how I was just going to come up here and fall on my face. He always told me I was wrong. That brat, he just always has to be right...

look at this sweet ride

I mean would you look at this bitch? I honestly thought I was going to hate it, but I love the damn thing.

The day it came back from the shop was kind of a crap day for me at work. I was just having a really bad day and then Bryan came in and told me it was back. You have to understand I've been here about two months and this is the first time I've ever seen it. I felt positively giddy! Stupid, right? It's a radio station vehicle...

But damn, this thing is pretty special. Meatwad and I took it for a spin around the area and I just kept saying "This is so f#@king cool" over and over and hanging my head out the window, like a big dork.

It was one of those moments that's made this move worth it. The little cool things that pop up unexpectedly. Be it this beautiful bitch of a car or the many friends I've made in a short time or the fact that the a couple of the guys at Rawbar remember what I like to eat when I go in there or that the bartenders at Johnnie's know me by name, not because I go there a lot but because when I do, I sit and visit with them. Or you know finding out my air staff are a bunch of cool ass people and that my promotions director rocks the free world... It's just little stuff that makes me pause and go "Yeah, it's hard as hell, but I know I did the right thing."

back into your head

When I lived in San Luis Obispo, my home "office," as it were was the Black Sheep Bar and Grill on Chorro. It wasn't always the case but during my employment drought a friend of mine started working the day shift there and a couple of times a week just to get out of the house, I'd take my laptop or a book up there and go hang out with John while he worked. John and I would shoot the bull about music and I'd get to talk to someone other than my cat for an hour or so.

John moved on to another job about the same time I started working at Wild and Nicole came back from her hiatus. I love Nicole. Since the Sheep is a lunch spot too, I'd stop in and see her a couple of times a week and have the vegetarian chili and talk music and fashion and Hello Kitty and of course boys, I mean what is good girl time without gossip about boys. Also the Black Sheep became our after work happy hour spot. No idea why, there are a million bars in SLO county, but Teresa and I would go to the Sheep after work for a Safety Meeting, which was basically us whining about our jobs and boys. Hey what's girl time without some whining about boys? You know this is 50% of what we do, when you're not around guys...

While I was making the transition from SLO to Chico I used to go the Black Sheep and make phone calls on their back patio. AT&T picked that week to just destroy service in my home area, so my phone was useless at the house. I had to go to SLO for one thing or another every day anyway, so I just blocked out time to sit in the back where it was quiet and do my thing. And gossip with Nicole about my plans and sometimes, yeah I'd get weepy and scared and Nicole was always ready to tell me I was doing the right thing, that I was going to be great and that I was going to be happy, just like a good friend does. And a couple of weeks ago she sent me a card that made me laugh so hard...

It's funny to think you can miss a bar. And really it's not the bar I miss, it's the familiarity, the friendships I made with a few people who worked there and the ability to walk in, ask for "something red," to drink (I tried that here, man that didn't go as well as I would have liked) and pick up mid conversation where you left off.

It's a Monday morning, which was normally a Black Sheep lunch day for me. Vegetarian chili, Tegan and Sara, Betsy Johnson bags, gossip gossip gossip and a hug to get my week started. I miss it.

next step

Hey Stephanie, what are you doing in Chico?

-Taking huge leaps with my eyes closed at all times. The surprise is the pay off right?

-Missing my friends back home like crazy. I talk to most of them every single day. People you wouldn't expect even... People I didn't expect. Man I carry you guys in my heart like you don't even know.

-Finding my way around town. This hasn't been too much of a problem in awhile.

-listening to a lot of music, laying in the sun, day dreaming, thinking about radio.

-Did I mention missing people? There are people I miss like a limb. I don't want to call them out here, because that just swells egos, but they know who they are. Or they should. If they don't, they're deaf and blind and just as silly as ever. So they probably don't. So, hey I miss you.

-Meeting people. You have to, you know when you don't know anyone, making friends is the name of the game, and I'm trying to do it.

-Joining a gym. Or I will be in the next couple of weeks. Hollah, it's trade bitches.

-eating sushi. Which I need to knock off.

-Feeling like me again, which wasn't happening much in the last couple of months in SLO. Nothing dramatic, I just really started to question my path in life and if I was doing the right thing for a living (i.e. do you HAVE to love what you do, or can you just do something for money? Me and a few other bad asses I know HAVE to love it.)

-taking pictures. seeing new things. sitting in creeks. going to bikini car washes. seeing new dj's.

-Sleeping on the floor.

So now you're caught up.