winter

I went through this blog recently to see what someone who maybe just met me would get out of it... And I realized I keep a lot of my life and feelings out of it. This isn't some place I come to vent or share deep secrets. I dance around a lot of stuff and talk about music and am basically surface. Maybe it's because this blog is public, registered under my own name, maybe it's because anyone could find it or maybe this is the tidy presentation of my life. This is the clean room where everything is stuffed inside the closet.

And I know other people don't approach their blogs that way. I know other people use them as a catch all for their feelings or a place to scream into the void or record important moments in their life. And some people don't mind getting a little messy in their corner of cyber space and letting things out there. Hell some people have probably forgotten they ever posted anything about certain things in the first place. Some people don't take their own blogs to heart.

So I guess I shouldn't either.

This song has been in my head all day.

i wanna watch the world..

Songs of 2010... Man there are so many more. This is the first one though that will remind me of Chico.



A little backstory, I LOVE the Deftones. Like LOVE them. Back in the Deadsy days they were known in my house as "friends of the Family," because they were. The Deftones are cool dudes who helped out some friends of mine.

They put out the first single "Diamond Eyes" before I moved to Chico. It might have even been during my interview process to come up here. I don't remember. But when I got here the record was out and I snagged a copy and sat around listening to it a lot. People kept telling me that it was all about "Rocket Skates" and it may still be, but for me it was always about "You've Seen the Butcher," which is slowly and steadily climbing the active rock charts while you and I sit here.

I remember listening to this song the first time I was getting ready to go out with Ben (although at the time it wasn't just Ben I was going out with, etc, group outing with friends blah blah blah...) I didn't know why I was nervous and just was pacing around the apartment after I'd gotten dressed and waiting for my ride, listening to this song on my computer LOUD since the apartment below me was empty at that time. The doorbell rang and the song ended...

Off we went.

tokens...

I love this song because it really does capture the point of being in love with someone where logic and ration goes out the window. Love is not always logical. Mostly it's not. Mostly it's messy and strange and crazy and the most illogical of all emotions humans feel.

But it's wonderful too. To be loved. To love someone... It's a wonderful thing. I'm terrible at it, but I've seen other people do it really well. I wonder if there is a class on this... I mean come on there was one at the community college back home on how to start a blog! (What was the first step? Pull your head out of your ass and log onto the internet?)

Crazy thing is I'm not even bitter at the moment. I have no reason to be in this department. I just realized over the weekend that I'm not the easiest girl to love sometimes. I'm messy when I'm overworked (that's all of the time pretty much,) I'm not fantastic with money. I can be a flake when I just do not feel like doing something. I'm geeky and love childish things. I'm overly social and I talk a lot. I get my feelings hurt sometimes, very easily. I'm a crazy perfectionist when it comes to work. I swear too much. I forget to wear make up as often as I remember to wear it. I love my cat A LOT. I have a lot of male friends. I'm overly loyal to friends as well and that's caused problems. I'm driven and ambitious and busy an awful lot. I like going out with my friends. I don't ask permission to do things, because I don't need it.

But I'd like to think that some people find all of the reasons I was "the worst girlfriend in the world" to some of my exs, these things make me amazing. Or you know, not intolerable.

me and love

My job has always been an issue in my relationships. I can't remember one that it wasn't. There is always the threat of my needing to move to another city for an opportunity or the long hours or the fact that I spend 90% of my time surrounded by men only, because there aren't a lot of girls in my business. It's always caused friction in my life as I am sure no one likes feeling like they come second to something else, even if they don't actually come second, it sometimes feels like it I'm sure.

I relate to this Gaga quote because I've done it a million times. Been sitting there looking at that decision. That ultimatum. Me or that. Us or radio. Us or the next adventure. Be with me or go be "famous" (I don't think I'm famous but I've had this load of shit thrown at my face before.) I've always chosen work. I've always chosen me. I'm selfish that way.

I've never regretted it though. And I honestly think it's impossible for me to meet someone who understands 100% how my business works. Because if I meet someone like that, they probably work in the same business and they're just as driven as I am. Just as ambitious. Just as focused. Just as much of a geek. I know there are more of "me" out there, I've worked with them. I've admired them. But I also know that given the choice: a relationship or work, they'd chose work, just like me. Work is always there, there is always something to be done, you can always go drown yourself in it when you're lonely.

To be fair, nothing is wrong now. I'm not terribly lonely or having issues really, just saw this today and it really struck me. Kinda weird to know one of the most famous women in the world has the same world view as me....

temper trap

I do not have a bad temper usually. I'm pretty even when it comes to most things, aside from work and people screwing with people I love. For the most part whenever someone metaphorically shits on me, I just let it slide.

Yesterday I did not and I yelled and said some mean shit and hung up on someone. Not classy. Not my style. But I did it and I can't take it back. I may not even want to.

I realize that I hurt people sometimes. And I realize I do a lot of things wrong. But I do not wake up every day thinking how I'm going to screw someone over or hurt them. Sometimes I even panic when I don't know how to deal with a situation and try to do the least hurtful thing. And that usually ends up being wrong too.

I'm being vague because running off and blabbing to the internet about the little incident yesterday not really the thing to do... but I needed to get this off my chest.

People don't realize it, but when a relationship ends, both people are hurt. Continuing to remind a person who ended it doesn't change the fact that even the "dumper" as it were is in pain when they do it. I never take the decision to terminate any kind of relationship, friends or romantic, lightly. And in ending my last relationship, I agonized over that decision for months. Yes months. It wasn't all just the move. Or all just a friendship I had that got out of control. Or all money. There were a lot of reasons. The main one being I felt like I had already been given up on and had stopped mattering. And that's why.

This isn't to say I'm some kind of a saint. I am not. I did a lot of things wrong. Turns out I did some stuff wrong that I didn't even know I did! But I can't change it now and I guess the best thing to do now is let it go. Throw that pain out with the bathwater and hope that by cutting me completely out of their life, the person I hurt can find happiness. Because I want that for them.

It's all I ever wanted for them.

Day 16 - A song that you used to love but now hate

The Starting Line - "Bedroom Talk"

I discovered this song on a road trip with an ex of mine I'll call Q. I'm gonna be straight up here, Q was a jerk. He was mean and manipulative and he'll never admit it or apologize. But I was in love with him in this really weird oblivious way because I thought he was THE ONE or something equally idiotic. This was our first road trip, we'd gone to Santa Barbara so he could cover some film conference for work and I walked around at the downtown area and went to a few record stores.

I bought a couple of "punk" compilations for the punk show I used to host and this song was on one of them. It came on as we were leaving Santa Barbara on our way to some wineries and he asked me if I'd spend the night at his house again that night (two nights in a row?!) and everything felt perfect.

Later when he dumped me in this really cruel manner and then fell off the face of the Earth, I decided that song sucked and I never wanted to hear it again.

the unstuck

You ever think you completely have someone figured out or at least are starting to? And then something happens that is probably not even what you think it is and wham, you feel like an idiot and want very much to take back a lot of stuff you've said and just disappear off the face of the Earth?

.... yeah me either.

I'm going to work.

Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail

Well first of all... love comes in many flavors as it were. I mean there is the love for your family. The love of your friends.

I don't know meme, you're asking the wrong girl if you want to know about romantic love, or relationship style love. I don't have a damn clue, I think this much is obvious.

I don't know if I believe in that happily ever after that the movies puts out there that is supposed to be love. I don't know.

Love is being able to look at someone and know everything about them and not hate them for any of it. Love is wanting to know that much about someone that well in the first place.

My ideal, someone who will always challenge me to learn more, be better, try harder and support me while I do. Someone who will always make me laugh and always cares what I have to say. Someone I want to do all of these things for. That seems like a good kind of love.

this one time

A long time ago, the last time I was a single girl in the world, this song was very very popular.



I remember one time, driving home from a date,(this one of course more promising than the last, ain't that always the way? Ha) and hearing it. It was summer time, wasn't it always back then and I had my windows down and was driving down the 101 back to Grover Beach and for a minute, just one minute, I felt like I was in a movie, or that life was always going to be the most beautiful thing or even, I don't know, my own little happy ending was out there...

That freeway, that person (good lord this was at least six five or six years ago, right?) and that time is gone. But I still love this song...