time

Yesterday I had to get into the boxes in my closet to look for something and lo and behold I found my box of year books and some photos that I thought I had lost and for a second I was super giddy and couldn't wait to go through them all. And so I popped open this box and sat down on my bed and started digging through it. I mean I haven't seen some of this stuff in over two years.

Process that for a minute.

Two years ago the majority of the people in my yearbooks were alive and well and looking through them probably wouldn't have taken my breath away, but it did yesterday.


I miss Chris every day. Probably more this time of year, because it would be his birthday still if he was still around.

Still around... man I was going through that box yesterday and here is all this physical evidence that my friend, my beautiful amazingly talented, funny, creative, caring friend once walked the planet Earth and made it a far sillier, far out, awesome place to live. And it made me sad because he's not here anymore and then it made me angry...

I can't ever say I will ever understand what happened. What I can say is I will never forget this sparkly eyed, wide smiling, sort of bratty boy who taught me so much and to whom I owe so much. I miss you Chris, still.

More music I like that no one else does

Surprises

It's a good rule of thumb to always be able to surprise people with something good or thoughtful. It really can and does change the mood of the entire day sometimes...

At my old job a co-worker and I unofficially took turns surprising each other with energy drinks. Stupid right? But whenever I came in to my office and saw one sitting on my desk it'd put a smile on my face all day, because hey someone thought of me out of context and did something cool to surprise me. I miss it.

I had a girlfriend J who was also a chronic surpriser. We were constantly leaving tapes or little cards or notes on each others cars or doorsteps. It was just neat to get off work and find some little something that someone saved for me.

And I love having people to surprise as well. Nothing makes me happier than sneaking some little treat into someone's life. Due to lack of people to show love to up here I've been mailing lots of stuff. I'm a giver, what can I say?

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Run this town...

This song came out about a year ago.



About a year ago I worked somewhere that played this song constantly. It's one of the first songs I remember really liking that we played. Every time I hear it I think of how weird it was to go back into the business after a year off. And how alien it was to go back into it, in a format I hadn't done in over 10 years.

I remember one night driving down the 101 to meet Teresa at a party because I was going to DJ a wedding for some friends of her parents that weekend, I was hustlin' pretty hard there for cash at that time. I was listening to our station, because I fell in love with it after about five minutes and I remember hearing this song. It might have been September by that point, and feeling kind of excited... I can't explain it but even then, I knew that going to work in that building was just the start of the next phase, that something was on it's way for me. And maybe it was going to be in SLO, maybe something else would come along, but thanks to a few people who constantly had my back, especially then when everything was new and scary, I knew things were going to get better.

It's funny because here I am in a new situation again. And those same people? Man they have my back still and regularly talk me off of whatever mental ledge I throw myself on. And some of them, I've known forever and some of them I wouldn't know on sight a year ago but now I can't imagine not knowing them and having them in the familia as it were...

This song sounds best cranked up loud in a car, windows down,driving. Doesn't matter where you're going... you'll get there baby.

im a sick bitch baby

So I seem to have some summer allergy attack and or a cold right now because my throat is all sore and swollen. Great.

This naturally led to me having one of those "Oh my god I'm 400 miles away from anyone who would bring me soup or notice if I croaked" moments last night and I slept like crap because of it. Awesome.

It's not that I really think I'm going to die of a sore throat or that I'm a needy girl by any means, but when I don't feel good, sometimes I'd like someone to take care of me. And in the moment I realized I had no one here I could ask for a hug or to buy me some soup or bring me some juice... I felt pretty lonely for the first time since getting here. Such is an occupational hazard of living on the moon.

I ended up talking to Teresa on the phone for awhile last night and Jennifer online and I felt a little bit better.

As evidenced by my post yesterday I'm a little homesick these days. It's not like when I moved from Bakersfield and I could just get up and go home any time I wanted. There's definitely some logicistal night mare ish to get home from here.

This month would've been my year anniversary at Mapleton. Weird.

slo mo home sickness

You might have guessed by now things aren't going awful for S. Beezy in the big C. The Moon is populated with cool people who just want to take me tubing and show me something called the holes and want to watch movies, drink booze and eat raw fish. Rock the eff on, I'm okay with this. I've even gotten used to it being like consistently 90 degrees and the fact that I should probably carry cash and not rely on my debit card like I did back home. I've had a dinner party in my house, pool party in my pool and many adventures. Yay, Chico isn't awful.

What you may or may not have guessed is... I miss home. For a long long time I fought against San Luis Obispo becoming my home because I knew if I got attached I would stay too long, but SLO is a tricky bitch that way and slowly but surely became my home. My heart's home. Yes I left my heart in San Luis O-Cheezy Bitch.

Here's what I miss, in no particular order:

The Black Sheep and their fantastic food. Mac and Cheese or Chili, holy baaaajeezus. And of course the amazing "make me something red" game. Nicole, who became my friend over the last year, mommying me through many of my little nervous breakdowns, including this move. Daaaayammn girl, I miss you. I miss Teresa Leigh Lara and her amazing family... always being there when I missed my own and Teresa and I having the SIP AND BITCH sessh after work... I love this girl like a fat kid loves cake dude, alot and often and I miss her and wanted to surprise her this weekend but I couldn't. I miss SushiYa. Best goddamn sushi joint on the west coast, don't let anyone tell you differently. I miss the Lovely and Talented Darcy and our SIP AND BITCH sesshes on the promenade or her deck. I need to get home and hug that girl. Of course when talking about the ladies in my life I'd be remiss to leave out my BFF Kristin and all the times she has held me up when I was about to fall over, and all the times I stopped into her work to decompress and gossip. I miss you baby girl!

I miss Wild 106.1. No joke, this is hands down one of the best radio stations in the world and I am completely blown away that I ever worked there. The man behind this monster won't ever agree with me, because he's shy like that, but you could take Wild straight up and throw it down next to any huge CHR and it will hold it's own. I am proud of that beast as if it was my own and for a minute or so, I got to play on the team. But I honestly miss listening to it as much as working on it, although not as much as I miss the studio there because let's face it, you could put ten of my studios in it and still have room for a napping couch.

Speaking of Wild... I miss my boys back home. I miss the insanely inappropriate Danny P, who sucks at staying in touch via Facebook but pretty much rules at life and doesn't know it, but held my head on straight more times than not. I miss our mixers, DJ Slick-nicest mother grabbin' dude on the coast, DJ Sauve Javi- new dad and old friend of mine, DJ Sol- who won't tell you this, but he's radder than eff and crazy talented. Also I'd be remiss in forgetting that snotty brat morning guy Jojo Lopez, who without I would have probably spent my last months in SLO with my head in the oven. Watch out for that kid, he's a genius, maybe even an evil genius and one of the best people in the world. Hands. Effing. Down. Love that snot.

I miss Mr Ricks and having drinks with my boy Steven Murray after work. He's not there anymore but I love him like family just the same. I miss Jenn Wynn. I miss Justin V like eff. Steve and Beau and of course the formidable Levi Caron, who will one day book the largest bands in the world. That kid has an ear for music that will blow you away. I miss my Avila Beach Familia- Jay, Courtney, Lora, Trent, Monkey, all y'all because you've always had my back and gave me more than I ever could repay. I love you bitches and I'm homesick for you.

I miss my BFF Tristan Negranti, which shouldn't even be possible because we talk every day and he's still a raging bag of dicks, just like I like him. I miss the possibility of running into that Jon Hansen asshat, because I love him too and love arguing with him. Don't know if he knows this but I used to just save up crap to make him mad because Jon yelling... funniest thing ever. I miss my Scott Taylor. I miss Amy Jacobs. I miss Mardi Hall. I miss the lovely Micheala Tanner which I didn't bring up in my blurb about Wild since she doesn't work there anymore, she can be with the El Dorado peeps. No SERIOUSNESS Kella was so kind to bring me out of my shell at Mapelton and MAKE ME play with the others. I'm beyond glad she did.

What else do I miss... Man I miss walking down to the sand on a Sunday, popping my ear buds on and checking out for four hours. I miss dancing at the Grad (no really I do, the Grad here aint like back home.) I miss going wine tasting. I miss Mc Bar. I miss Sunday Funday.

Anyway... its all good. I'm finding my way here. I just want y'all back home to know you are insanely loved and not forgotten. I HOPE to be down before the book starts to visit for a night or two, so cross your fingers, I'll hollah at you.

Love you all!

music and i

Music makes me dopey. This is a point of fact, a very important thing to know about knowing me. I meet people and wham a song is usually attached to them immediately. Or several songs in some cases. I mean music is around me all of the time and I will be in the middle of a situation and hear some song and think to myself "This song belongs to you and I and this place and time." You do do it too by the way, you probably just aren't as hyper aware of it as I am.

There were a couple of songs that just killed me when I was living in SLO, especially during that last month or so while going through the interview process and the leaving process. I won't say who or what they remind me of but when they come on, I can remember exactly what I was doing when I first heard them, who I was talking to, what was going on in my life, etc.

There was a lot going on back then. Behind the scenes I mean, stuff I'll never blog about because it's not just my story to tell, you know? And it wasn't anything horrible or dangerous or bad really, just stuff I didn't know how to process.

Anyway, there is this one Train song we used to play and pretty much every time I hear it I want to laugh. Or cry. Or track Train down and rip their faces off for ever writing it and putting it in my life, because it's like they straight up sucked it out of my head and are making millions of dollars off of it in a way.

I heard it again this morning, doing the Music Choice thing on my cable, and man... I had to sit down for a second. I let myself forget sometimes how much I miss certain people. Because you have to, sometimes, you just have to. Today, I guess I was just reminded how much I miss some people. And honestly that's all the detail you're going to get from me on that.

PS Eff Train. Eff Music Choice and Eff my brain. KTHNXBYE