It's the end of the year

It's the end of the year almost, which is when the "end of the year top whatevers" lists come out.

I'm not going to do that here. What I am going to do is recount some of the songs that define 2010 for me. I may not post every day, but this was quite a year for me and I have a lot of memories centered around music.

Back in January of this year I was quite aware that my life was completely different than it had been in years previous. My taste in music changed in part because of where I worked, where I hung out, who I hung out with and in part because rock music was kind of dead to me at that time last year. Nothing spoke to me.

I was also kind of sad and for some reason hearing this bad ass bad girl anthem from a girl who had gone through a really rough time in the public eye, I don't know it was inspiring and fun and for awhile this song was my theme song. I know I must have spun it on the air a million times, but I listened to it in my car, or on my iPod when I was running. It was the beat, it was the lyrics, it was the toughness, it was Rihanna who I love... Anyway I will always think of the early part of 2010 when I hear this song, driving home from the radio station in the dark, wondering if anything was ever going to change.

I'm gonna tell you a secret

This was not our first date, date. But it was the first time we went out in a group with some friends.

Goofing off at my house before a Seahawks game.

Goofing off at my house before I left for a remote.

Goofing off at Duffy's when the Giants won the World Series.

At Noriega's for my mom's birthday.

Secret time? I love this man. Bigger secret? He loves me too.

Familia

Happy Birthday Mama D

This is my Mama D. AKA Denise, AKA my second mom. Today is her birthday.

I haven't always had a Mama D. She came to our family after I moved to San Luis Obispo and I can honestly say it helped me relax about moving away. I didn't worry so much about my dad being lonely after I left and took our kitty with me for awhile.

I am so excited to be going home tomorrow to see Mom and my Dad. I haven't really been able to spend as much time with them this past year as I would've liked to. I'm glad I get to go home for a few days and see the family and celebrate Denise's birthday too.

Happy Birthday Denise! I love you!!!

Cold, you're so cold

Why in the hell is it so cold in Norcal? I just heard something on the news about sub zero temps in the mountains. Hell No. No.

I'm itching to go home tomorrow. I miss my friends and family. I am ready to see some old/new sights. I'm ready to veg out on the couch with my dad and pet the cats and not worry about things for a few days. This is going to be great.

Dear Pixar

Dear Pixar,

Thank you for your "It Gets Better" video.

(If you haven't seen it, here it is:)



This video had me in tears.

Here is why:

These are "regular" people. These aren't celebrities. These are just people like me and the rest of the world out there who got to find their way in life and they want to show troubled / bullied / scared kids that it does in fact get better.

But also because Pixar is not afraid to support Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered people. Pixar is the one company I least expected to come out and say "Hey a ton of our family/staff is gay and we support them," not because I didn't think this was the way it was, but because this is sort of a dangerous statement to put out there when you are in children's entertainment and when you are marketing to a majority.

I love you Pixar, for looking at this situation like "money be damned, this is who we are and it's okay and it's okay for you to be that way too."

I am probably reading too much into this but big props to you Pixar. This was beautiful.

Love
Stephanie

Another edition of stuff I want

It's winter time in Chico, which means I need winter clothes

By this time next week I could be...

Or we could just stay in Bakersfield all weekend. I don't know. My sister can't come home for Thanksgiving so I might go out there on Friday to see her. Ben hasn't ever been to SLO either. So we'll see.

this is what I think of last night's Danzig show

In other words Glenn Danzig, you can bite me.

Michael Vick is still a dog murdering a-hole, I don't care how many yards he...

My friend Nina over at the Slack Daily wrote a very impassioned wonderful blog about why she is anti-Michael Vick. And I agree with her 100%.

Let me break it down for you. Michael Vick participated in illegal dog fighting. He also participated in the torture and murder of hundreds of innocent dogs. This makes me sick. I can not stand people who could hurt an animal or a child. They are helpless beings and they look to us to protect them, not to cause them harm and fear.

(And no, I'm not comparing your children to dogs, but basically they're both innocent and to a point helpless against attacks)

All day long people were talking about Michael Vick's great effin' Monday night game and talking about him like he was the second coming of whatever and all I could think was, yeah but those same arms that were throwing touchdowns last night helped murder animals for well... no good reason at all. Out of what? Ignorance? Boredom? A gambling problem? But it all seems forgotten to a lot of people because he's so "good" at his game. He's an okay guy now, right?

Just like I'll shake my head at all the new endorsement deals that will probably come out of this and all the new products I'm going to NOT be purchasing because the company who makes them thinks that this is an alright dude, this is someone they support, someone they want to make rich, to make a hero.

The real heroes in the Michael Vick story are the countless people and shelters that found homes for his abused dogs and gave them as much of a normal life as those dogs could have after living in the conditions they did. You want to read something that will break your heart and make you have hope? Read this article that Sports Illustrated did a couple of years ago about his dogs. I dare you not to be choked up after that.

I realize that there is a large segment of the population that thinks he paid his dues and should be able to do his thing now and we can all just forget about it. But I'm not one of them. The level of cruelty shown to these dogs can't be "reformed" out of you by sitting in prison for a couple of years. That's crap.

So I'm just gonna keep ignoring the Eagles like I do and hope they don't get into the Super Bowl because I don't want to avoid the big game all together because this bag of dicks is playing in it. But I would.

this one goes out to the girl in the big sunglasses

What can I say about Teresa that I haven't said already?

I met Teresa when she came to work at Clear Channel way back in the day. Obviously I originally didn't trust her because she was cute and funny and short like me and had great clothes. Obviously the world had sent me some kind of nemesis to battle. Obviously I was used to being the only girl and obviously I was used to being the only girl to get attention from this one guy we both know. Case in point she was sent to the radio station to ruin my life.

Except she wasn't. The first time I really remember Teresa being there for me was the day that Clear Channel sold us. Let's be real, we were all drunk at the radio station that day and crying because a lot of our friends got fired and we were scared. I remember sitting in that meeting with Teresa, this girl I only slightly knew and holding her hand while the new owners started going over everything we were going to be going through the rest of that day.

Not long after Teresa arrived she started doing the Punk Ass Bitches Show with us. It was nice to not be the only girl anymore. I'd been ganged up on by the guys long enough and Teresa is a firecracker! Sometime during the summer we went to see Alkaline Trio together, just us, no boys and we had a blast. At one point we were both pretty buzzed at McBar and I'm pretty sure she dropped her beer so she wouldn't have to drink it but that's neither here nor there.

Then I got laid off. Then Teresa got laid off. And we were both broke and miserable together. We'd meet up for drinks and bitching a few times a month because if not, when would we ever see anyone?

In August of 2009 she called me and told me about a job at the radio station she was doing sales at. I had already applied but she wanted me to meet the general manager and took me out to meet him before my interview. I got the job. The next ten months of my life weren't perfect but having Teresa in my life every day was rad. This girl can make me laugh, can keep my secrets and most of all gets me. She is one of the people who held me up and encouraged me to get where I am now and I'm grateful to her.

Most of all I just miss her though. Teresa is one of those friends who buys people little gifties when she thinks it will make them smile. She's always down to go have a drink and bitch about your crappy day and boys. Or boys. Yes we bitched about boys a lot... ha ha. I had some "issues" going on when I worked with her. She's funny and generous and mean as all hell if you cross someone she loves.

Recently my girl started a new job. She's selling cars and I know she's going to be the freakin' bomb at it. She's good at whatever she does, even if that is cutting the hems off your pants in the office or singing some parody of the Shaft theme song in a commercial. Teresa is one of a kind. I miss her every freakin' day and if I don't see her soon, I'm going to throw up.

Or cry. But I'll probably cry if I see her too. I'm a douche like that.

i just want you back in my head

My goodness this has been a busy weekend.

Friday night I saw Jeremy in Pontypool over at the Blue Room. Great play. Jeremy was fantastic. I actually forgot I was watching someone I knew while he was on stage.

Saturday I judged a battle of the bands.

Yesterday Ben and I went to watch the Seahawks game over at the End Zone, until this REALLY OBNOXIOUS broad just ruined the whole day for us so we went home before the 4th Quarter. I was PISSED but the Seahawks won anyway, so really? After that we hung around the house. Ben has been helping me organize the kitchen and I swear it almost looks as good as it did before I had anything in it. So to reward him, I made my famous green bean cassorole last night.

Neither one of can drink milk and we've been drinking Almond Milk at the house which gave dinner a neat flavor actually. It doesn't thicken like regular milk though so I think I am going to add some potato soup next time I make it... You see because HE LIKED IT. I win at food. Actually I love cooking for Ben because he does like everything I make. If he doesn't, he seems to do a good job pretending to and always has seconds.

We also watched U2 "Rattle and Hum" on tv and basically just chilled.

This is a busy week for me as well. I have the Kottonmouth Kings tomorrow night, Danzig on Wednesday and Turkey Bowling on Thursday. Plus I'll be working my ass off to get ready for Thanksgiving. Wheew.

Still trying to finalize my plans for that weekend. I do want to go to the Central Coast but don't know if its possible and I haven't spent an extended period of time with my family since last Christmas so we'll see.

hazy shade of winter

Last night I judged a high school battle of the bands at Cafe Coda here in Chico and it was pretty crazy how much NOTHING has changed about these scenes/kids since I was a little live music rat at fifteen. The fashion isn't honestly that different, and the little cliques of kids, very similar.

And the bands... man the bands, so heart stoppingly earnest and not technically good, but their little hearts are just splattered all over everything. And yeah, there are still the dorky joke bands ala the Dead Milkmen and the jocky rich kid bands ala Pennywise. It's alarmingly similar to my life 15 years ago.

For some reason though instead of seeming comical to me, it was just sweet. It made me smile. I'm glad to see that this home for "outsiders" exists in the world still and even still in a really small place like Chico where they only have two high schools and being "normal" is just the only way to be.

Emily kept apologizing for keeping me so long yesterday, but I didn't mind. I liked watching the kids have their night out and talking to a few of them that know me from the radio. They seemed pretty blown away that I was there (which honestly is a far nicer reception than any radio person would've gotten in our scene back in Bakersfield at that time. "Effin sellouts! Raaarr") and the band that won, Color Me Plaid were this cute little acoustic duo, think half of early Paramore, this probably 14-16 year old girl with braces and pink hair singing her heart out. And I was glad for her band to have won, because it is incredibly brave to get up there on stage in front of other mean little teenagers and sing your heart out. So good for her. I wanted to talk to her afterwards but didn't. I mean who cares what some creepy old lady thinks?

All in all though, it was an enjoyable evening and I need to go back and check out Cafe Coda again for food and breakfast.

two days in the valley

In a couple of weeks, Ben and I are driving down to my parents house for Thanksgiving weekend. This is pretty cool since Ben has never been further south than Fresno. Bakersfield is completely alien to him and as far as I know he doesn't really have preconceived notions of what it will be like.

So the question becomes what do I show him in the limited amount of time we have down on Earth?

Obviously we're going to go to the VIP for a spell. (Did I just say "spell?" I am turning into my grandma.) And maybe here:


Because who hates Mexicali?

And I might be a douchebag if I don't at least show Ben The Mint.


Don't believe the hype, yeah this place is a total hole, but I've had a lot of fun there.

I am beyond excited though, because I get to show him Noriega's which you may remember is where I celebrated my 30th birthday. I pulled up the menu the other day to show him what was being served and explained how you eat there and I think he went into a food coma just listening to me talk. Ha ha.

In a word, it's going to be glorious. Time/Money permitting we may jet over to SLO for the day on Friday since Mom's birthday party is Saturday but this is also only of course if I can get Dad to pet sit Lily for the day, since Lily is coming with us.

Yes, I'm the lunatic who travels with her cat. So?

Anyway what else in the big bad Bakersfield do I show this guy? No clue when I'll ever drag him out of Nor Cal again so any suggestions? I'll take em.

See you guys in a couple of weeks.

we'll be young forever

A year ago I was in a really really weird place.

Deeply unhappy at home but no idea how to express that I was feeling that way. It seemed impossible after all, how could I be unhappy? I'd just gone back to work, had started getting my body back, had a cute house, great friends, I wasn't single and I thought I was in love.

That sounds shitty when I say it that way. I was in love with him. That's true.

When I wasn't working, I didn't long for much but work. That year "off" was really hard on me both emotionally and physically. I guess I just stopped wanting anything but to go back to work and every failed job interview or resume I sent out without getting an answer was devastating. I was pretty sure I was never going to work again actually. I'd just about given up. The week I went in to interview to work at Wild, I had also applied at Starbucks, a jewelry store, a personal assistant, a receptionist... I'd even taken a job I thought was going to be rad at a "publicists" agency, which turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of spoiled rich kids playing "office." (Yeah I said it, wanna fight?) I left after two days.

Under all of this stress, this depression, this rudderlessness, I didn't notice that back at the ranch things were going sour in my love life. Because I didn't have the energy to worry. It was there. He hadn't left in the middle of the night and taken the cat. I was so focused on getting a job again and getting "me" back, that it was almost all I had energy for. Beyond the crying jags and the three or four trips I took to do things I never had time for while working just to do SOMETHING.

So I got the job at Wild. And the fog lifted and I started... I don't know mingling with my kind again. I didn't know how STARVED I was to talk about radio, to talk about music, to just talk about bitchy office bull-ish until there was one day I was at work and I made my boss laugh or something. We had started telling radio stories. In a weird way me and the boys in the back became the Three Amigos or something, because there we were in our little pirate ship doing what we love at any means neccesary. I don't know who did what first but by the time I went home for Thanksgiving, I knew I had a solid foundation back home. Friends. Brothers. People that opened my eyes to two things: I am not that bad and I am alive.

By Christmas, I knew... things weren't ever going to be the way they were again at home, no matter how hard I tried. Because I was someone else again. I was me, and not this defeated little thing. I'll tell you right now I walked into my last job not knowing shit. I knew how to talk on the radio and how to boss my boss around (ha ha, kinda) but not really how to do my actual job. I learned on the fly, on fire, with a team of cheerleaders and from one of the coolest mofo's I've ever known. It was very SoCal touchy feely but they let me in, they held me up and taught me everything they knew. Changed my life really. By Christmas I knew that my heart had changed it's mind and I had to do something with myself.

I didn't know last Thanksgiving, that a year later I'd be here, in Chico, hundreds of miles from everyone who made this possible, doing something I had always said I could do (and did do for awhile) and doing it better than a lot of people will ever let on. I have the professional gig I always wanted more or less. I made friends with lightening fast speed, I am seriously shocked myself, I'm a goober, I don't even want to hang out with me. I tried so many new things and met so many great people and formed my own little radio family up here as well.

And then there's the happiest accident of all, Ben. Last year I wouldn't see myself here, getting ready to go out to tacos with my boyfriend on a random Thursday night because we've been so good living off of boxed meals and staying home (or homes I guess, we don't live together) for over a week! There's a lot to be said for this boy, but the most important part of it is, he sees me for exactly who I am. He knows when I'm broke or simply too overwhelmed to function and he just fixes it. Brings me groceries because he knows I'll just not eat before trying to figure out how to go to the grocery store on 10 bucks, helps me with the dishes, brought me a vaccuum cleaner when I couldn't get mine back from the coast... I don't ask, he just does. I never thought of myself as the girlfriend of a grad student, a teacher, a hydrologist, a scientist, a beer snob who loves to eat Ethnic meals, a lover of music and movies who gives the best hugs in Chico? Forget it, I never would've imagined it.

Doesn't mean it's not awesome. Doesn't mean I'm not happy.

A year ago I was lost and a group of people took me in and gave me the tools to find my own way home. I may still be traveling, in fact I know I am, but I'm closer than I was before.

spun

I have to believe that women my age are still looking for that pop song kind of love, or I'm just going to feel silly.

Musica

I've been listening to Taio Cruz a lot lately. No one knows why.

tokens...

I love this song because it really does capture the point of being in love with someone where logic and ration goes out the window. Love is not always logical. Mostly it's not. Mostly it's messy and strange and crazy and the most illogical of all emotions humans feel.

But it's wonderful too. To be loved. To love someone... It's a wonderful thing. I'm terrible at it, but I've seen other people do it really well. I wonder if there is a class on this... I mean come on there was one at the community college back home on how to start a blog! (What was the first step? Pull your head out of your ass and log onto the internet?)

Crazy thing is I'm not even bitter at the moment. I have no reason to be in this department. I just realized over the weekend that I'm not the easiest girl to love sometimes. I'm messy when I'm overworked (that's all of the time pretty much,) I'm not fantastic with money. I can be a flake when I just do not feel like doing something. I'm geeky and love childish things. I'm overly social and I talk a lot. I get my feelings hurt sometimes, very easily. I'm a crazy perfectionist when it comes to work. I swear too much. I forget to wear make up as often as I remember to wear it. I love my cat A LOT. I have a lot of male friends. I'm overly loyal to friends as well and that's caused problems. I'm driven and ambitious and busy an awful lot. I like going out with my friends. I don't ask permission to do things, because I don't need it.

But I'd like to think that some people find all of the reasons I was "the worst girlfriend in the world" to some of my exs, these things make me amazing. Or you know, not intolerable.

Yay!

These are my friends Trent and Lora at my going away party...

I met them about two months before I moved to the Moon and they're good people. Always willing to help you with whatever and always always down to have a good time.

I'm excited because Lora's job brought them to Oregon which in turn is bringing them to Chico on their way back to their winter home in Bakersfield. We're probably going to get drinks and laugh loads. I can not wait.

----

On another note, HELLA homesick for SLO lately. I know, I know I was just there two months ago. I just miss a couple of people more than I care to let on. Need one of those big bear hugs and a laugh at my own expense.

Need some time at the Black Sheep with the lovely Nicole. Need to sink my toes in the sand...

Been listening to Lady Gaga Radio on Pandora while I'm home and it's like listening to a time machine.

mushy

There's something about Ben that turns me into a mush monster. Seriously. I am not a giggly crushy crush girl but I do in fact have a crush on my boyfriend. He came over last night and we had dinner and cocktails and I watched "The Walking Dead" while he graded papers.

Do you know how cute it is to watch your man grade papers? It's damn cute. I never thought I'd be a girl with a boyfriend who grades papers on her couch. He has a red pen and everything. What?

Or there are times when he is saying something incredibly odd and that I'm pretty sure most people would just go "What the eff?" and I just laugh. I like how quirky he is and I like that he's quick to laugh and always smiles for me. He never thinks anything I have to say is weird and once told me "Everything you do is so cool."

Trust me a girl likes hearing that.

This is a guy who brought me warm socks and pastries at my biggest event ever. He took care of me when I got home and was sore beyond all reason. He surprises me sometimes by taking out my trash or loading my dishwasher. I'll come dragging home from work after he's stayed here only to find a dishwasher full of clean glasses and spoons and my pots and pans soaking in the sink to make it easier on me to load them later. He plays with my cat (she still likes the fishing pole game) because "Mommy" is boring and usually just wants to pet her. He's a stuff fixer.

In short, we are very happy. He said to me once that I am his best friend and I think that's pretty rad.

Don't stop believing

Last night the San Francisco Giants became the World Series champions. The Giants are my 2nd team. I'm a Red Sox fan through and through but there is just something about those Giants that I love. Could be Brian Wilson....

Actually Brian Wilson kind of looks like my boyfriend... Anyway Ben isn't a big baseball guy but he went out with me last night because he knew it was important to me. This is one of those reasons he rocks. He also didn't blink an eye when I called Todd to congratulate him. Yes I did. I know, it's not needed but I'm happy for him.

Did I mention Ben gave me a Giants shirt? Because he likes seeing me smile.

This is after they won at Duffy's.

As a trade I'm going to try to watch hockey with Ben this season. He used to play hockey as a kid. He's a Sharks fan, and I don't know that I can go there when I've had the Bruins beat into my skull by my friends (and the Kings, Hi Michael) but I'll try, since he puts up with me and my baseball and football. We're trying to go to a Sharks game this year together.

Anyway I'm off track. Yay Giants. Yay baseball for making it possible for me to have a civilized conversation with someone...

And Brian Wilson needs to call me.

crush crush crush

Halloween was so fun this year. Ben and I went to see my friend Dain's cover band and throughly rocked out. We had tacos before hand. Ben was a bunny. I was of course the Lady Hello Kitty.

Speaking of Ladies, I only saw two Lady Gaga's this year. One did have her hair rolled up in cans like in the "Telephone" video though.

Treat Street was fun. There was one other Hello Kitty and she was adorable. Probably about four years old. She took of RUNNING across a booth to hug me. It was really sweet. Actually most of the kids were very sweet and cute.

Ben came over last night and we ate Jack O'Lantern pizza and tried to watch movies but we couldn't get into either movie he brought. We talked a lot and he ate some of the candy he told me I needed to buy (not one trick or treater came by the way, I'm going to have candy for months) and he giggled at me because I got irrationally jealous of these two broads he knew before me. Yeah, hi, I'm SANE. Ha ha.

The thing about Ben is that I can say anything to him. And he makes me laugh. And reminds me to eat and sometimes I wake up and see that he's done my dishes or fixed some other disaster in my house. Like when the cat broke my dvd player (no really she snapped a wire) he fixed it. He fixed my computer. He came to rescue me when I ran out of gas. He fusses over me a little bit, I think because he knows I'm kind of a baby and need that sort of thing. At least at home. And his parents seem to like me for some reason or another, even when I show up at their house dressed like Hello Kitty.

My parents are mostly to thank for my Halloween. My gosh my dad and Mama D bought my costume and gave me a little Halloween Bonus so I could have some fun. Ben helped a ton too but with the way Chico is, it was nice to have some extra scratch in case I wanted to take a cab.

It was definitely fun to celebrate again. I do LOVE Halloween but for the last three years didn't really celebrate at all. Last year I did dress up but ended up in a fight with my ex at the end of the night so really...

Anyway I had a nice weekend. I have a band rolling through the station today at 1 to play and Novembeard starts tonight as well. I have to roll out to Duffy's after work to support all my guys in growing their beards "for the kids."

Looking forward to Thanksgiving. I miss my folks and I can't wait to go home. Seriously.