7:30 on New Years Eve

I'm sippy a cocktail and getting ready to get into a fly girl party dress and head off to a party at the boyfriend's friend's house.

Wow this isn't where I thought I'd be 365 days ago when I was sitting at Sushiya with Kristin and Kenny and Amber. I wasn't sure what 2010 was going to bring.

It brought a lot of changes. A new job. New love. New house. New city. New friends.

Man who knew?

I didn't.

Last year I wrote a blog on New Years Eve called "Just say F@#k it" because life had just been too hard for too long and I decided to take up the motto "F#@k it." It sort of served me pretty well this year. I did things I never thought I would. Had great experiences. Moved forward (but not completely on, y'all back home are still in my heart big time, always.) and just hoped for things to get better.

I guess they finally did.

Happy New Year.

good bye 2010

You're gonna get two blogs from me today, but let's start with the easiest one, the rest of the music I loved in 2010...

Heard this the first morning I was in Chico as a resident. I was watching MTV every morning while I got ready for work and man, sucker punch.



One of the songs I heard ALOT of when I visited SLO back in September. Such a great trip and I got to see everyone I wanted to.



I loved playing this on Wild because hey, I knew some stuff about Travie McCoy, for once I wasn't a total moron!



This song was the soundtrack to moving. Seriously La Roux get straight up out of my head.



I don't get the video at all but Gaga, I love you. And this song.



OMG epic. Like painfully epic cool. "Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger!"

Gaga you're a freakin' space alien but let's be BFF's, you like Betsey Johnson right?



The Texas Hippie Coalition feels like my personal rock radio discovery this year. I gotta give mad love to Matty Martino over at Landshark Promotions for always turning me on the good stuff. This band is channeling Pantera in a huge way. My listeners have been going NUTS for this one for a long time. And Big Rich gives great interviews. So epic.



Red Line Chemistry is another Matt Martino special, along with my friend Ken Pittman, both of them worked this record to me. As someone who grew up in the 90's my ears do perk up a little at anything that sounds sort of Seattle. RLC came by my station and did a little in studio with us and it was hella fun. Nice guys, I hope they make it!



This Janus song we were already playing when I got here but I'm not gonna lie, I liked it. I think it's mostly the song structure, since it reminds me of a lot of stuff I'd listen to on my own. I know next to nothing about this band but this was one of the songs that stuck out a little more in the waves of active rock I had thrown my way this year.



Yes I realize Shakira makes some of you want to put your fingers in your ears in search of your ear drums to puncture them, but if that's the case, mute it and just watch the video. :)



I tried really hard not to like this song. It goes against all of my beliefs (she says after posting a Ke$ha song like a week ago) but damn if it didn't get me...

Speaking of Ke$ha....



Jojo gave me a copy of the Ke$ha CD while I worked at Wild. Show prep and all that. On FIRST listen I said "Animal" is a single. The next one even. I wasn't wrong... This may not have been as big as "Your Love is My Drug" or "Tik Tok," (please skeezy, learn to spell you're so maddening!) but I think this is actually a better song. That's because I love me some bass. And I'm pretty sure I saw Ke$ha downtown last night in Chico. Who else would make out with four dudes in a row on the street and fall on her head on the concrete in front of Duffy's at 2am? Oh right, half of Chico State.



Pretty sure this one was unavoidable this year too. I go back and forth with Eminem and if I like him or not. I liked a few things off this latest record but I still kind of want to punch him in the face sometimes. I'm sure he's used to that tho, so Marshall let's call it a draw and move on.

But Riri, man I LOVE Rhianna. LOVE HER. Can't understand a word she says in interviews sometimes but who cares? She's freakin' amazing. LOVE HER.



I just put that one in there for my friend Nicole. We used to listen to this at the Black Sheep. Super good times.

I'm sure I forgot some, but whatever... What did you love in 2010?

winter

I went through this blog recently to see what someone who maybe just met me would get out of it... And I realized I keep a lot of my life and feelings out of it. This isn't some place I come to vent or share deep secrets. I dance around a lot of stuff and talk about music and am basically surface. Maybe it's because this blog is public, registered under my own name, maybe it's because anyone could find it or maybe this is the tidy presentation of my life. This is the clean room where everything is stuffed inside the closet.

And I know other people don't approach their blogs that way. I know other people use them as a catch all for their feelings or a place to scream into the void or record important moments in their life. And some people don't mind getting a little messy in their corner of cyber space and letting things out there. Hell some people have probably forgotten they ever posted anything about certain things in the first place. Some people don't take their own blogs to heart.

So I guess I shouldn't either.

This song has been in my head all day.

Angel On My Shoulder

Late in 2009 I got into this show Ghetto House Radio that we played on Wild when I was working there. Every week I'd grab a couple of the mixes and listen to them while I ran the trails in Avila before work in the mornings or while I was driving to and from San Luis. Ghetto House Radio is pretty much in constant rotation still in my life, as a lot of my friends drop mixes for them every week and one of my other friends does the imaging for the show.

This song was on a mix earlier this year. Probably at the height of my "what the hell is going on," period. And it does pretty much sum up how I felt almost all the time back then. Also the album "Strobelight Seduction," is one of my favorite whole albums of 2010.

oh M.I.A you so weird

I got this album sent to me right after I met Ben.



We were still just friends then. We were just friends for awhile after I moved up here. I had no intention of having a relationship with anyone really. But Ben is really endearing and adorable. He gives these fully body hugs that just feel like someone is putting a little protective bubble around you. And he gives them (at least to me) with reckless abandon. He's never been shy about being affectionate towards me, even when we were just friends who ate dinner together or went to the Old Man Bars together because I really didn't know anyone here but him and Sarah.

Anyway I think the first time I ever had an inkling that I really liked Ben for more than his dinner conversations was driving around one day this summer listening to this song. It may have been while he was on the East Coast with his family and I realized that I missed him. I think we talked on the phone more in those couple of weeks than we ever have now. (He lives five minutes away from me, the phone is just to tell me to unlock the door of the apartment.) He listened to all my gripes about being lonely here and assured me that I wouldn't die up here and the cat wouldn't eat my face or any of that. He made me laugh.

So not only does this song remind me of the latter half of 2010, it reminds me of Ben and hearing him laugh over the phone from 3000 miles away when I was still sleeping on the floor and spending every night sitting next to my pool listening to music wondering what the hell I'd done by moving here.

that boy was a monster

Everyone knows that the very epic "The Fame Monster" came out in 2009. The story of how I got a copy of the record is one of my favorites from my old job... just having my boss walk in and start rummaging through my purse after we bickered on Facebook about the record. And there it was, in my purse all of a sudden. Viola, surprise here's the CD you've been nagging me for, for like ever.

The whole album is a banger. It's amazing. This song though, popped out at me when we started playing it as a single early in the year.



I've definitely danced to this one a few times in 2010.

i wanna watch the world..

Songs of 2010... Man there are so many more. This is the first one though that will remind me of Chico.



A little backstory, I LOVE the Deftones. Like LOVE them. Back in the Deadsy days they were known in my house as "friends of the Family," because they were. The Deftones are cool dudes who helped out some friends of mine.

They put out the first single "Diamond Eyes" before I moved to Chico. It might have even been during my interview process to come up here. I don't remember. But when I got here the record was out and I snagged a copy and sat around listening to it a lot. People kept telling me that it was all about "Rocket Skates" and it may still be, but for me it was always about "You've Seen the Butcher," which is slowly and steadily climbing the active rock charts while you and I sit here.

I remember listening to this song the first time I was getting ready to go out with Ben (although at the time it wasn't just Ben I was going out with, etc, group outing with friends blah blah blah...) I didn't know why I was nervous and just was pacing around the apartment after I'd gotten dressed and waiting for my ride, listening to this song on my computer LOUD since the apartment below me was empty at that time. The doorbell rang and the song ended...

Off we went.

new stuff

Look I don't know what's going on here, but I like it.



I want to crank it on a car stereo and drive around or something.

musica de broken heart

Let me be straight with you, when I first heard this song I was like WTF? I was on the freeway going up to SLO for work and it came on our station and I was like "This makes no sense." Except this song is universal if you've ever been in love with someone you shouldn't be and let's face it everyone has at some point. And the middle of the night (especially after a pint or two) is the loneliest time of the night when you feel like this.



Or they wouldn't have ways to block people from making phone calls after a certain time of night, right?

I could tell you all the things this song reminds me of. I won't though.

This is one of those songs that will always catch my throat a little and remind me of something so strange I'm starting to think I imagined the whole thing.

No. Just. No.

Are you serious?

News story:

Michael Vick Wants to Own a Dog Again

MICHAEL VICK is legally barred from ever owning a dog again . . . for obvious reasons. But Vick thinks he's ready for a new pet. And he thinks it would actually help him.

--He says, quote, "I would love to get another dog in the future. I think it would be a big step for me in the rehabilitation process.

--"I think just to have a pet in my household and to show people that I genuinely care, and my love, and my passion for animals."

--Vick blames his upbringing for not knowing that dogfighting was wrong . . . quote, "When I was younger I got caught up in dog fighting . . . It was something to do.

--"I hate to use our culture as an excuse. It is what it is. I love animals. I love dogs. I love birds. I love all types of animals. But this is just the way I was brought up. Nobody ever told me it was the wrong thing to do."

--Vick says that he works with the Humane Society and goes out on speaking engagements . . . even though the courts don't make him. And he claims he's learned his lesson.

--He says, quote, "Dogfighting is prominent all across the country, and I know it goes on in a lot of different urban areas.

--"A lot of kids have probably seen it happening before. Hopefully, they're not involved in it, and hopefully they take away from what happened in my situation and avoid it at all costs."

(--Should Michael Vick own a dog? I know very few dog lovers would say yes. But the guy did serve his time, after all. Aren't we supposed to be about giving people second chances? Discuss.)

-------------

No really, I'm curious internets, what do you think?

If you've spent five seconds on this blog you know what I think, but... How the eff can this guy go around saying he loves animals but didn't know brutally murdering them was WRONG? No. Fail. Get the eff out. I have ZERO patience for people who hurt animals for fun. None. It's just flat out wrong.

I was talking with someone the other day that was actually MORE disgusted about Brett Farve and his sexting and apparently small package. Is what Brett Farve did wrong? Sure. But guess what, I'm way more willing to forgive a little sexting than I am an animal murderer.

People often mistake animals as lesser beings. That they don't feel. That they don't have little personalities and memories and love just as much as human beings do. They're wrong. Animals love fiercely, loyally and most of all unconditionally. They put their blind faith in their human companions. And this is why we should protect them. They give us love, companionship, laughter, some help us walk/see/take our medication/call 911 if we pass out, some help kids learn to read, some help people with social anxiety, some comfort the dying... Animals work for us, care for us and trust us. We should protect them and we should see people that hurt them as absolute villains, as we should see any one who preys on anyone that is helpless and or unable to protect themselves.

I can not point to and re-post this article in Sports Illustrated enough. Look at what Michael Vick's dogs did after they were rescued. These are dogs he would have had shot, electrocuted, drowned, mauled, had beaten to death or tied to a tree to die in the woods because he "didn't know" it was wrong.

So no, I don't think Michael Vick should even be allowed to own a goldfish again, much less a dog or a cat or well anything. I'm not even cool with his return to football and the fact that everyone is so ready to stand up and act like he's some kind of a hero because he served his jail time and now can run faster, jump higher and play harder than before.

Sitting here in Bakersfield

Social Distortion has a new record coming out in 2011 and this song is on it.

It makes me giggle for many reasons, one of which being some old friends of mine were on tour with them when they wrote it. The boys I knew had a couple of days off from the tour and did a show with Guttermouth in San Luis Obispo and moved into my house for three days before we all headed out to Bakersfield so they could rejoin the tour and my roommate and I could see Social Distortion and of course support our friends.

I've seen Social D about 15 times. I think the Bakersfield show was the 15th, because I haven't seen them since. I was standing on the side of the stage at Stramler Park that night, it was summer and I was behind the little fence that keeps "the public" out sipping on a Coors light that someone had handed me and listening to this song for the first time, after learning it was only a few weeks old. I could see all the old people I used to know in town, some now married with their babies on their shoulders in the park and it was just a really great night.

I had a lot of nights like that back in 2005... It was probably the second most fun summer of my life after the summer of 1999, which was for the most part spent in Bakersfield.

I'll be back in Bakersfield next week for three days. Should be a good time. I won't have a car though, so I'm not sure how it's gonna work out. I don't have money to go out anyway so it's not that big of a deal.

the songs of 2010

I heard this song for the first time driving to work to pick up my time card some time back in March.

Sometime back in March... ha ha I know exactly when I heard it. The words slapped me in the face and I remember getting the phone out to Shazaam it and looking it up when I got to the office. There wasn't any one else there, it was a Saturday after all and I listened to it again while I filled out my unemployment stuff. Maybe twice more.

I remember just sitting there wondering how it was that someone had snuck into my head and stole all the thoughts I'd been having that week out of my head and put them to music. I remember really being sick of that happening at the time. (I later found out that Pink co-wrote this song and it made even more sense, homegirl reads my mind. I sleep in a tin foil hat to prevent it.)

It was kind of a chilly day and I left the station and went to the post office and then because like a lot of the time in the Spring of that year I didn't want to go home, because home made me sad and frustrated, I walked around downtown SLO and ended up in the Black Sheep probably talking to Rachel and maybe Nicole after that. You never know how long you can nurse a cocktail or a glass of iced tea until you absolutely do not want to go home.

Back to the song, this song is beautiful and I think we've all felt this way some time or another. And sue me I like Adam Lambert, a lot more than I thought I would when the American Idol buzz was going on (I still have yet to watch an entire episode of that show. Or well any of it. I know how it works exclusively from the internet.) Anyway this is yet another song that was part of the sound track of 2010.

I don't have time to be sick

But I think I've got a small cold. I need soup and to be babied please

feminist notebook

I was a tiny bit too young for Riot Grrrl. Okay that's not true, it was happening while I was happening, turning into my teen years, realizing I could think, realizing that boys didn't get to have all the fun... yeah Riot Grrrl was HAPPENING. But I was twelve and living in Bakersfield and finding out about all of it from Sassy magazine.

I have no idea how I got a subscription to this magazine as a pre-teen. Probably told my mom it was just like Seventeen or Teen or anything else. She really wanted me to stop reading rock music magazines so I cheated a little. Sue me, like crack on the street I would've found the WORD out there somewhere.

My cousin Michelle was a fantastic bad influence, just dropping the names Exene Cervenka and Anais Nin and god knows what else around me. I devoured these little clues that there was something out there for girls like me.

I just read an article on some celeb gossip piece of crap where someone was interviewing one of my first idols (but not my first idol, that's easily Cyndi Lauper) Kathleen Hanna and she said these Riot Grrrl bands were on the verge of being forgotten. of being lost. Kathleen Hanna donated all her papers, the zines, the everything to NYU to keep this from happening. It just makes me crazy that there are girls younger than my sisters out there walking around without a clue that these women, these ball busting amazing women made it okay for Taylor Momsen to be out there with her boobs out or even that these women were around before Britney or X-Tina or even Gaga (and you know I love me some Gaga)

I had my Riot Grrrl moment in the sun in the early 2000's before riotgrrl.com disbanded. They chose me to be a columnist and asked me to write about something that made me a better feminist and I wrote about moving in with my dad who recognized that I was a person and needed to be independent and needed to learn to make some money and get myself from here to there and even knew that if I worked overnights I wouldn't automatically die or get mugged. They approved my article and then the website folded. But for awhile I was bummed. And if I still had it I would repost the story about how my dad made me the bad ass independent (for the most part) take no prisoners woman I am.

When I was 23 I got to see Le Tigre perform. Kathleen Hanna is a genius. I mean come on, she punched out Courtney Love once and married one of the Beastie Boys (the original reformed boy sexist pigs turned feminists). She made me cry. She was so earnest. She believed whatever she was saying in that tiny club.

I guess what I'm saying is that none of this music should be forgotten. I absolutely wouldn't be who I am without ANY OF IT. I think I even mentioned it on the air the first week I was here when I played L7. I wouldn't have had a clue that I could be the biggest bad ass on the block in rock and be a girl.

I won't let any of this music be forgotten. It means everything.

Last Christmas

I'll admit it, the Christmas season last year was really hard for me. For one it was hard for me to get presents for anyone and I wouldn't have been able to if it hadn't been for Santa Dad dropping a shopping fund into my bank account. Things at home were strained. Things elsewhere were... odd*.

Last Christmas seems like it was a thousand years ago. On another planet even. It's hard to even imagine myself in the situation and I was right there in it, you know? Anyway enough vague musings.. let's get down to the point.

I was watching "Glee" last week (really I'm ashamed, I have a campy side and I can't deny it. It's how my friend Megan and I have stayed friends for YEARS.) and the Glee kids did one of my favorite Christmas songs, (well one of a few of them... shoot me) and I giggled a little. "Last Christmas," by Wham! is one of my favorites ever.

Oh George, that hair!

Why do I love this song? I'm actually a big George Michael fan... Don't even start me... and because it's perfect. Duh. So perfect it's been covered a million times. And I love most of the covers too! Let's investigate shall we...

Before you watch this one, know that this isn't the real band in the video and the audio quality is so much more "HISSY" than I wanted, but I'm at home so I can't clean it and re-upload. Please survive.



I love Jimmy Eat World. I blame Jennifer for it to be honest. She was always playing Jimmy Eat World at our old house. But I love love love this version of this song and when I make CD Christmas cards, it's ALWAYS on it.

Look there's even a trance remix of it. Let's get a glow stick and freak out on E by the tree! Where's my pacifier?

Speaking of dance music, I just found this version today and I'm not gonna lie, I like it. Cascada (Little Miss Natalie Horler sings "Evacuate the Dancefloor") was one of my favorites when I was over at Wild and I enjoy her take on this song:

Nothing sadder than a beautiful girl in a beanie singing about her ex boyfriend effing her over at Christmas right? Even to a dance beat. Actually she looks like my friend Lauren over at KLUC. I imagine if Lauren went to Germany she might get mobbed.

Finally here is the Glee cast version of it.

So yeah.. that's one of my favorite Christmas songs... I'll share a couple of my other favorites before the holiday for sure.

I don't really know what this Christmas is going to be like. What I do know is I'm getting on a train on December 23rd to go home. That drive is straight up murder. The weather here makes it seems like Christmas but other than putting up my tree, I haven't "gotten the spirit" yet. I have "Love Actually," sitting on my hard drive so I may have to hit that up tonight.. :)

(*Definition of odd: knowing something is going on but choosing to ignore it, HARDCORE because you feel like you're hallucinating? I mean one of those "Did I just imagine that ish?" kind of feelings. And being bound and determined to ignore anything going on in your own head because, yeah.)

that's just how the story unfolds

There is no way I can hear this song and not think of 2010.

This song came out around the time I was interviewing for my job up here. I probably heard it on the radio about 9098908 times on the drive up. It will never not remind me of that very uncertain time in my life when I wasn't sure what Chico was going to hold and if walking away from the friendships and the decent (but far from perfect) life I had back home.

train vs car travel

Going home to Bakersfield in 16-17 days and I need to decide, train or car.

Both take about the same amount of time and cost about the same. My dad has graciously offered to help me pay for it.

Cons to train:

Train leaves Chico at 3am.

I have no transportation in Bakersfield for the couple of days I'm there, meaning I either have to rely on other people to drive me around or borrow a car.

I have no way to lug any gifts back or down. Back is no problem, I don't want anything this year but down would bum me out.

Also it's cheaper to leave at 3am Christmas Eve and arrive Christmas Eve day at 130pm than the Thursday previous.

Train is slightly more than car in gas (although gas prices could go up before X-Mas eve) but...

I have to get someone to pick me up and drop me off at both ends of the trip.

I have to be more selective in what I pack and when I go and come back.

Definitely no chance to me zipping over to SLO for a day, but then again who is going to be home anyway?

Pros to train:

Train arrives in Bakersfield at 1:15pm

I only have to ride the bus for one hour if I get a certain route. Everything else is glorious train with snack cars and bathrooms and electrical outlets.

I can sleep on the train (no I know I won't, but the idea is there)

I have anxiety when I drive alone on long country roads. I only developed it living in SLO and taking the two shitty roads out of SLO to Bakersfield. I will be going alone this trip I'm pretty sure and the drive back always takes 12 hours. ALWAYS.

Ben can watch the cat, my house, and my car while I'm gone. Other than the 3am drop off/pick up times, I'm sure he'd have no problem with it.

So internet, what do you think I should do?

2010 music continued

I admit it, I love Hardnox. Even more so because they were responsible for my first visit to my old station's club night. They played at one of our Wednesday nights and I finally got over being too shy to go and went. I had a blast and it was really neat to be around my friends from work in a more social setting. This song is still on my list of stuff I listen to when I'm getting ready to hit the town.

The Hardnox boys are down to Earth and cool as hell. It was really neat to see them on the Giants victory parade and getting all that love during the play offs and World Series. (The Giants picked up their song "Fist Pump" for something in the park.)

more music from 2010

I think we were all embarrassed when we fell in love with this song. I know I was embarrassed that this stupid song put into words something I was going through earlier this year. This dorky assed song could say words I didn't know how to make? Failure, thy name is Stephanie.

A million times in our life we think we meet someone who completes us or makes us whatever. I met someone who is me. And I'm one of their biggest fans. And I know that they are one of mine.

I will be nine hundred and eleven years old and still be grateful for knowing someone like that. Being just what I needed even though I probably drove them crazy. (It's okay they drove me nuts too. You try hanging out with yourself all the time, it's absurdly endearing and annoying at the same time.) This song is always, no matter what going to remind me of that and of this weird year when everything I knew changed so completely drastically and hopefully for the better.

"Hey, Soul Sister" - Train

Heeey heeeey heeeeey

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

Heeey heeeey heeeey

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)

p.s. this post was brought to you by my unhealthy relationship with "Glee."

p.p.s eff Train. Seriously. Get out of my head!

songs that remind me of 2010 part 2

I was sick of Ke$ha "Tik Tok" the minute I started my job. Bitch be annoying... so I thought. Then one morning I was sitting on South Higuera and heard this song.

And I don't know... maybe I heard something that was already going on in my head in it. Maybe I was in a good mood that day. Maybe I was dressed cute. I don't know but this weird, kinda awful song crept into my heart. I will always associate it with a ridiculous inside joke between me and a friend, dancing my ass off, 4 dollar Long Beach Iced Teas the size of a Big Gulp and the feeling that man, I found my home, if even for a little while and found my family, forever.

I like your beard.

Heather.

Heather may have never remembered me, but I will always remember her. She was around during the best part of my Bakersfield life, the Misbliss days... Heather was the goddess that was my friend's wife.

Heather was a gorgeous, talented, brave, warrior woman. She was an Amazon. She may have even loved us little goth rock rug rats. What I do know is she was always extremely kind to me and a hell of lot of fun to be around.

I feel horrible because I heard what happened while I was home for Thanksgiving but it didn't click who had passed away, because of the way I got the information and because I never knew Heather by her birth last name, but as my friend's wife. My friend's last name.

Heather was never intimidating to me because she was so (excuse me) fucking inspiring to me. I loved her in this very little girl crush way. Because she was so brave and so sure of who she was. She wasn't at least in my eyes scared of anything or anyone. She was my own personal Siouxsie Sioux. I'll never forget her and a lot of my friends won't either.

Tell the people you love that you love them every day. Tell them constantly. Tell them until you're mute and they're deaf. Never let anyone you love slip away. Never let anyone you remotely care about feel alone. Never be afraid to tell people you idolize that you love them, that you care. Never. It's messy and embarrassing but it's real. Be real. Be strong. Be an Amazon.

This. When I think of Heather, this is what I think of:

It's the end of the year

It's the end of the year almost, which is when the "end of the year top whatevers" lists come out.

I'm not going to do that here. What I am going to do is recount some of the songs that define 2010 for me. I may not post every day, but this was quite a year for me and I have a lot of memories centered around music.

Back in January of this year I was quite aware that my life was completely different than it had been in years previous. My taste in music changed in part because of where I worked, where I hung out, who I hung out with and in part because rock music was kind of dead to me at that time last year. Nothing spoke to me.

I was also kind of sad and for some reason hearing this bad ass bad girl anthem from a girl who had gone through a really rough time in the public eye, I don't know it was inspiring and fun and for awhile this song was my theme song. I know I must have spun it on the air a million times, but I listened to it in my car, or on my iPod when I was running. It was the beat, it was the lyrics, it was the toughness, it was Rihanna who I love... Anyway I will always think of the early part of 2010 when I hear this song, driving home from the radio station in the dark, wondering if anything was ever going to change.

I'm gonna tell you a secret

This was not our first date, date. But it was the first time we went out in a group with some friends.

Goofing off at my house before a Seahawks game.

Goofing off at my house before I left for a remote.

Goofing off at Duffy's when the Giants won the World Series.

At Noriega's for my mom's birthday.

Secret time? I love this man. Bigger secret? He loves me too.

Familia

Happy Birthday Mama D

This is my Mama D. AKA Denise, AKA my second mom. Today is her birthday.

I haven't always had a Mama D. She came to our family after I moved to San Luis Obispo and I can honestly say it helped me relax about moving away. I didn't worry so much about my dad being lonely after I left and took our kitty with me for awhile.

I am so excited to be going home tomorrow to see Mom and my Dad. I haven't really been able to spend as much time with them this past year as I would've liked to. I'm glad I get to go home for a few days and see the family and celebrate Denise's birthday too.

Happy Birthday Denise! I love you!!!

Cold, you're so cold

Why in the hell is it so cold in Norcal? I just heard something on the news about sub zero temps in the mountains. Hell No. No.

I'm itching to go home tomorrow. I miss my friends and family. I am ready to see some old/new sights. I'm ready to veg out on the couch with my dad and pet the cats and not worry about things for a few days. This is going to be great.

Dear Pixar

Dear Pixar,

Thank you for your "It Gets Better" video.

(If you haven't seen it, here it is:)



This video had me in tears.

Here is why:

These are "regular" people. These aren't celebrities. These are just people like me and the rest of the world out there who got to find their way in life and they want to show troubled / bullied / scared kids that it does in fact get better.

But also because Pixar is not afraid to support Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered people. Pixar is the one company I least expected to come out and say "Hey a ton of our family/staff is gay and we support them," not because I didn't think this was the way it was, but because this is sort of a dangerous statement to put out there when you are in children's entertainment and when you are marketing to a majority.

I love you Pixar, for looking at this situation like "money be damned, this is who we are and it's okay and it's okay for you to be that way too."

I am probably reading too much into this but big props to you Pixar. This was beautiful.

Love
Stephanie

Another edition of stuff I want

It's winter time in Chico, which means I need winter clothes

By this time next week I could be...

Or we could just stay in Bakersfield all weekend. I don't know. My sister can't come home for Thanksgiving so I might go out there on Friday to see her. Ben hasn't ever been to SLO either. So we'll see.

this is what I think of last night's Danzig show

In other words Glenn Danzig, you can bite me.

Michael Vick is still a dog murdering a-hole, I don't care how many yards he...

My friend Nina over at the Slack Daily wrote a very impassioned wonderful blog about why she is anti-Michael Vick. And I agree with her 100%.

Let me break it down for you. Michael Vick participated in illegal dog fighting. He also participated in the torture and murder of hundreds of innocent dogs. This makes me sick. I can not stand people who could hurt an animal or a child. They are helpless beings and they look to us to protect them, not to cause them harm and fear.

(And no, I'm not comparing your children to dogs, but basically they're both innocent and to a point helpless against attacks)

All day long people were talking about Michael Vick's great effin' Monday night game and talking about him like he was the second coming of whatever and all I could think was, yeah but those same arms that were throwing touchdowns last night helped murder animals for well... no good reason at all. Out of what? Ignorance? Boredom? A gambling problem? But it all seems forgotten to a lot of people because he's so "good" at his game. He's an okay guy now, right?

Just like I'll shake my head at all the new endorsement deals that will probably come out of this and all the new products I'm going to NOT be purchasing because the company who makes them thinks that this is an alright dude, this is someone they support, someone they want to make rich, to make a hero.

The real heroes in the Michael Vick story are the countless people and shelters that found homes for his abused dogs and gave them as much of a normal life as those dogs could have after living in the conditions they did. You want to read something that will break your heart and make you have hope? Read this article that Sports Illustrated did a couple of years ago about his dogs. I dare you not to be choked up after that.

I realize that there is a large segment of the population that thinks he paid his dues and should be able to do his thing now and we can all just forget about it. But I'm not one of them. The level of cruelty shown to these dogs can't be "reformed" out of you by sitting in prison for a couple of years. That's crap.

So I'm just gonna keep ignoring the Eagles like I do and hope they don't get into the Super Bowl because I don't want to avoid the big game all together because this bag of dicks is playing in it. But I would.

this one goes out to the girl in the big sunglasses

What can I say about Teresa that I haven't said already?

I met Teresa when she came to work at Clear Channel way back in the day. Obviously I originally didn't trust her because she was cute and funny and short like me and had great clothes. Obviously the world had sent me some kind of nemesis to battle. Obviously I was used to being the only girl and obviously I was used to being the only girl to get attention from this one guy we both know. Case in point she was sent to the radio station to ruin my life.

Except she wasn't. The first time I really remember Teresa being there for me was the day that Clear Channel sold us. Let's be real, we were all drunk at the radio station that day and crying because a lot of our friends got fired and we were scared. I remember sitting in that meeting with Teresa, this girl I only slightly knew and holding her hand while the new owners started going over everything we were going to be going through the rest of that day.

Not long after Teresa arrived she started doing the Punk Ass Bitches Show with us. It was nice to not be the only girl anymore. I'd been ganged up on by the guys long enough and Teresa is a firecracker! Sometime during the summer we went to see Alkaline Trio together, just us, no boys and we had a blast. At one point we were both pretty buzzed at McBar and I'm pretty sure she dropped her beer so she wouldn't have to drink it but that's neither here nor there.

Then I got laid off. Then Teresa got laid off. And we were both broke and miserable together. We'd meet up for drinks and bitching a few times a month because if not, when would we ever see anyone?

In August of 2009 she called me and told me about a job at the radio station she was doing sales at. I had already applied but she wanted me to meet the general manager and took me out to meet him before my interview. I got the job. The next ten months of my life weren't perfect but having Teresa in my life every day was rad. This girl can make me laugh, can keep my secrets and most of all gets me. She is one of the people who held me up and encouraged me to get where I am now and I'm grateful to her.

Most of all I just miss her though. Teresa is one of those friends who buys people little gifties when she thinks it will make them smile. She's always down to go have a drink and bitch about your crappy day and boys. Or boys. Yes we bitched about boys a lot... ha ha. I had some "issues" going on when I worked with her. She's funny and generous and mean as all hell if you cross someone she loves.

Recently my girl started a new job. She's selling cars and I know she's going to be the freakin' bomb at it. She's good at whatever she does, even if that is cutting the hems off your pants in the office or singing some parody of the Shaft theme song in a commercial. Teresa is one of a kind. I miss her every freakin' day and if I don't see her soon, I'm going to throw up.

Or cry. But I'll probably cry if I see her too. I'm a douche like that.

i just want you back in my head

My goodness this has been a busy weekend.

Friday night I saw Jeremy in Pontypool over at the Blue Room. Great play. Jeremy was fantastic. I actually forgot I was watching someone I knew while he was on stage.

Saturday I judged a battle of the bands.

Yesterday Ben and I went to watch the Seahawks game over at the End Zone, until this REALLY OBNOXIOUS broad just ruined the whole day for us so we went home before the 4th Quarter. I was PISSED but the Seahawks won anyway, so really? After that we hung around the house. Ben has been helping me organize the kitchen and I swear it almost looks as good as it did before I had anything in it. So to reward him, I made my famous green bean cassorole last night.

Neither one of can drink milk and we've been drinking Almond Milk at the house which gave dinner a neat flavor actually. It doesn't thicken like regular milk though so I think I am going to add some potato soup next time I make it... You see because HE LIKED IT. I win at food. Actually I love cooking for Ben because he does like everything I make. If he doesn't, he seems to do a good job pretending to and always has seconds.

We also watched U2 "Rattle and Hum" on tv and basically just chilled.

This is a busy week for me as well. I have the Kottonmouth Kings tomorrow night, Danzig on Wednesday and Turkey Bowling on Thursday. Plus I'll be working my ass off to get ready for Thanksgiving. Wheew.

Still trying to finalize my plans for that weekend. I do want to go to the Central Coast but don't know if its possible and I haven't spent an extended period of time with my family since last Christmas so we'll see.

hazy shade of winter

Last night I judged a high school battle of the bands at Cafe Coda here in Chico and it was pretty crazy how much NOTHING has changed about these scenes/kids since I was a little live music rat at fifteen. The fashion isn't honestly that different, and the little cliques of kids, very similar.

And the bands... man the bands, so heart stoppingly earnest and not technically good, but their little hearts are just splattered all over everything. And yeah, there are still the dorky joke bands ala the Dead Milkmen and the jocky rich kid bands ala Pennywise. It's alarmingly similar to my life 15 years ago.

For some reason though instead of seeming comical to me, it was just sweet. It made me smile. I'm glad to see that this home for "outsiders" exists in the world still and even still in a really small place like Chico where they only have two high schools and being "normal" is just the only way to be.

Emily kept apologizing for keeping me so long yesterday, but I didn't mind. I liked watching the kids have their night out and talking to a few of them that know me from the radio. They seemed pretty blown away that I was there (which honestly is a far nicer reception than any radio person would've gotten in our scene back in Bakersfield at that time. "Effin sellouts! Raaarr") and the band that won, Color Me Plaid were this cute little acoustic duo, think half of early Paramore, this probably 14-16 year old girl with braces and pink hair singing her heart out. And I was glad for her band to have won, because it is incredibly brave to get up there on stage in front of other mean little teenagers and sing your heart out. So good for her. I wanted to talk to her afterwards but didn't. I mean who cares what some creepy old lady thinks?

All in all though, it was an enjoyable evening and I need to go back and check out Cafe Coda again for food and breakfast.

two days in the valley

In a couple of weeks, Ben and I are driving down to my parents house for Thanksgiving weekend. This is pretty cool since Ben has never been further south than Fresno. Bakersfield is completely alien to him and as far as I know he doesn't really have preconceived notions of what it will be like.

So the question becomes what do I show him in the limited amount of time we have down on Earth?

Obviously we're going to go to the VIP for a spell. (Did I just say "spell?" I am turning into my grandma.) And maybe here:


Because who hates Mexicali?

And I might be a douchebag if I don't at least show Ben The Mint.


Don't believe the hype, yeah this place is a total hole, but I've had a lot of fun there.

I am beyond excited though, because I get to show him Noriega's which you may remember is where I celebrated my 30th birthday. I pulled up the menu the other day to show him what was being served and explained how you eat there and I think he went into a food coma just listening to me talk. Ha ha.

In a word, it's going to be glorious. Time/Money permitting we may jet over to SLO for the day on Friday since Mom's birthday party is Saturday but this is also only of course if I can get Dad to pet sit Lily for the day, since Lily is coming with us.

Yes, I'm the lunatic who travels with her cat. So?

Anyway what else in the big bad Bakersfield do I show this guy? No clue when I'll ever drag him out of Nor Cal again so any suggestions? I'll take em.

See you guys in a couple of weeks.

we'll be young forever

A year ago I was in a really really weird place.

Deeply unhappy at home but no idea how to express that I was feeling that way. It seemed impossible after all, how could I be unhappy? I'd just gone back to work, had started getting my body back, had a cute house, great friends, I wasn't single and I thought I was in love.

That sounds shitty when I say it that way. I was in love with him. That's true.

When I wasn't working, I didn't long for much but work. That year "off" was really hard on me both emotionally and physically. I guess I just stopped wanting anything but to go back to work and every failed job interview or resume I sent out without getting an answer was devastating. I was pretty sure I was never going to work again actually. I'd just about given up. The week I went in to interview to work at Wild, I had also applied at Starbucks, a jewelry store, a personal assistant, a receptionist... I'd even taken a job I thought was going to be rad at a "publicists" agency, which turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of spoiled rich kids playing "office." (Yeah I said it, wanna fight?) I left after two days.

Under all of this stress, this depression, this rudderlessness, I didn't notice that back at the ranch things were going sour in my love life. Because I didn't have the energy to worry. It was there. He hadn't left in the middle of the night and taken the cat. I was so focused on getting a job again and getting "me" back, that it was almost all I had energy for. Beyond the crying jags and the three or four trips I took to do things I never had time for while working just to do SOMETHING.

So I got the job at Wild. And the fog lifted and I started... I don't know mingling with my kind again. I didn't know how STARVED I was to talk about radio, to talk about music, to just talk about bitchy office bull-ish until there was one day I was at work and I made my boss laugh or something. We had started telling radio stories. In a weird way me and the boys in the back became the Three Amigos or something, because there we were in our little pirate ship doing what we love at any means neccesary. I don't know who did what first but by the time I went home for Thanksgiving, I knew I had a solid foundation back home. Friends. Brothers. People that opened my eyes to two things: I am not that bad and I am alive.

By Christmas, I knew... things weren't ever going to be the way they were again at home, no matter how hard I tried. Because I was someone else again. I was me, and not this defeated little thing. I'll tell you right now I walked into my last job not knowing shit. I knew how to talk on the radio and how to boss my boss around (ha ha, kinda) but not really how to do my actual job. I learned on the fly, on fire, with a team of cheerleaders and from one of the coolest mofo's I've ever known. It was very SoCal touchy feely but they let me in, they held me up and taught me everything they knew. Changed my life really. By Christmas I knew that my heart had changed it's mind and I had to do something with myself.

I didn't know last Thanksgiving, that a year later I'd be here, in Chico, hundreds of miles from everyone who made this possible, doing something I had always said I could do (and did do for awhile) and doing it better than a lot of people will ever let on. I have the professional gig I always wanted more or less. I made friends with lightening fast speed, I am seriously shocked myself, I'm a goober, I don't even want to hang out with me. I tried so many new things and met so many great people and formed my own little radio family up here as well.

And then there's the happiest accident of all, Ben. Last year I wouldn't see myself here, getting ready to go out to tacos with my boyfriend on a random Thursday night because we've been so good living off of boxed meals and staying home (or homes I guess, we don't live together) for over a week! There's a lot to be said for this boy, but the most important part of it is, he sees me for exactly who I am. He knows when I'm broke or simply too overwhelmed to function and he just fixes it. Brings me groceries because he knows I'll just not eat before trying to figure out how to go to the grocery store on 10 bucks, helps me with the dishes, brought me a vaccuum cleaner when I couldn't get mine back from the coast... I don't ask, he just does. I never thought of myself as the girlfriend of a grad student, a teacher, a hydrologist, a scientist, a beer snob who loves to eat Ethnic meals, a lover of music and movies who gives the best hugs in Chico? Forget it, I never would've imagined it.

Doesn't mean it's not awesome. Doesn't mean I'm not happy.

A year ago I was lost and a group of people took me in and gave me the tools to find my own way home. I may still be traveling, in fact I know I am, but I'm closer than I was before.