Spin Spin Sugar

movin' on up to the east side

2011-01-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

So I decided after some major research I'm going to go back to wordpress.

If you have this blog bookmarked as www.djstephaniebell.com it won't affect you at all in about 10 minutes, it will just forward to my new site.

Otherwise mark this: http://djstephaniebell.wordpress.com

blogging thoughts

2011-01-04T18:56:00.001-08:00

I've thought about going back to word press with this blog. With the directing url I bought it would be easy I think without losing readers, all 4 you but I don't know. There are definitely pluses and minuses to each service. Wordpress has more layouts, but blogger has the ease of use and gmail intergration.

Please forgive my shoddy typing, I'm trying to get used to my new keyboard

domestic goddess

2011-01-03T19:15:00.000-08:00

So here I sit in my dining area at my pub table, on the boyfriend's computer making dinner and watching the movie "Rudy"

I love this because I can keep an eye on dinner, my movie and the internet all at the same time. Crazy talk!

I really need a laptop of my own in the future.

Lets Go Seahawks

2011-01-03T06:53:00.000-08:00

Shit yeah we're going to the playoffs....

ESPN News - Seahawks (7-9) become 1st team in NFL history to reach playoffs with losing record

ESPN NFL - Seahawks clinch NFC West title with 16-6 win vs. Rams; will host Saints in wild-card round

Dear ESPN- Who cares how we got there, we in the big show now!

2011

2011-01-01T08:44:00.000-08:00

Our first picture of 2011

Looking all sick and sexified

Happy New year

7:30 on New Years Eve

2010-12-31T19:29:00.000-08:00

I'm sippy a cocktail and getting ready to get into a fly girl party dress and head off to a party at the boyfriend's friend's house.

Wow this isn't where I thought I'd be 365 days ago when I was sitting at Sushiya with Kristin and Kenny and Amber. I wasn't sure what 2010 was going to bring.

It brought a lot of changes. A new job. New love. New house. New city. New friends.

Man who knew?

I didn't.

Last year I wrote a blog on New Years Eve called "Just say F@#k it" because life had just been too hard for too long and I decided to take up the motto "F#@k it." It sort of served me pretty well this year. I did things I never thought I would. Had great experiences. Moved forward (but not completely on, y'all back home are still in my heart big time, always.) and just hoped for things to get better.

I guess they finally did.

Happy New Year.

good bye 2010

2010-12-31T11:24:00.000-08:00

You're gonna get two blogs from me today, but let's start with the easiest one, the rest of the music I loved in 2010...

Heard this the first morning I was in Chico as a resident. I was watching MTV every morning while I got ready for work and man, sucker punch.

One of the songs I heard ALOT of when I visited SLO back in September. Such a great trip and I got to see everyone I wanted to.

I loved playing this on Wild because hey, I knew some stuff about Travie McCoy, for once I wasn't a total moron!

This song was the soundtrack to moving. Seriously La Roux get straight up out of my head.

I don't get the video at all but Gaga, I love you. And this song.

OMG epic. Like painfully epic cool. "Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger!"

Gaga you're a freakin' space alien but let's be BFF's, you like Betsey Johnson right?

The Texas Hippie Coalition feels like my personal rock radio discovery this year. I gotta give mad love to Matty Martino over at Landshark Promotions for always turning me on the good stuff. This band is channeling Pantera in a huge way. My listeners have been going NUTS for this one for a long time. And Big Rich gives great interviews. So epic.

Red Line Chemistry is another Matt Martino special, along with my friend Ken Pittman, both of them worked this record to me. As someone who grew up in the 90's my ears do perk up a little at anything that sounds sort of Seattle. RLC came by my station and did a little in studio with us and it was hella fun. Nice guys, I hope they make it!

This Janus song we were already playing when I got here but I'm not gonna lie, I liked it. I think it's mostly the song structure, since it reminds me of a lot of stuff I'd listen to on my own. I know next to nothing about this band but this was one of the songs that stuck out a little more in the waves of active rock I had thrown my way this year.

Yes I realize Shakira makes some of you want to put your fingers in your ears in search of your ear drums to puncture them, but if that's the case, mute it and just watch the video. :)

I tried really hard not to like this song. It goes against all of my beliefs (she says after posting a Ke$ha song like a week ago) but damn if it didn't get me...

Speaking of Ke$ha....

Jojo gave me a copy of the Ke$ha CD while I worked at Wild. Show prep and all that. On FIRST listen I said "Animal" is a single. The next one even. I wasn't wrong... This may not have been as big as "Your Love is My Drug" or "Tik Tok," (please skeezy, learn to spell you're so maddening!) but I think this is actually a better song. That's because I love me some bass. And I'm pretty sure I saw Ke$ha downtown last night in Chico. Who else would make out with four dudes in a row on the street and fall on her head on the concrete in front of Duffy's at 2am? Oh right, half of Chico State.

Pretty sure this one was unavoidable this year too. I go back and forth with Eminem and if I like him or not. I liked a few things off this latest record but I still kind of want to punch him in the face sometimes. I'm sure he's used to that tho, so Marshall let's call it a draw and move on.

But Riri, man I LOVE Rhianna. LOVE HER. Can't understand a word she says in interviews sometimes but who cares? She's freakin' amazing. LOVE HER.

I just put that one in there for my friend Nicole. We used to listen to this at the Black Sheep. Super good times.

I'm sure I forgot some, but whatever... What did you love in 2010?

winter

2010-12-29T20:13:00.001-08:00

I went through this blog recently to see what someone who maybe just met me would get out of it... And I realized I keep a lot of my life and feelings out of it. This isn't some place I come to vent or share deep secrets. I dance around a lot of stuff and talk about music and am basically surface. Maybe it's because this blog is public, registered under my own name, maybe it's because anyone could find it or maybe this is the tidy presentation of my life. This is the clean room where everything is stuffed inside the closet.

And I know other people don't approach their blogs that way. I know other people use them as a catch all for their feelings or a place to scream into the void or record important moments in their life. And some people don't mind getting a little messy in their corner of cyber space and letting things out there. Hell some people have probably forgotten they ever posted anything about certain things in the first place. Some people don't take their own blogs to heart.

So I guess I shouldn't either.

This song has been in my head all day.

Angel On My Shoulder

2010-12-29T06:42:00.000-08:00

Late in 2009 I got into this show Ghetto House Radio that we played on Wild when I was working there. Every week I'd grab a couple of the mixes and listen to them while I ran the trails in Avila before work in the mornings or while I was driving to and from San Luis. Ghetto House Radio is pretty much in constant rotation still in my life, as a lot of my friends drop mixes for them every week and one of my other friends does the imaging for the show.

This song was on a mix earlier this year. Probably at the height of my "what the hell is going on," period. And it does pretty much sum up how I felt almost all the time back then. Also the album "Strobelight Seduction," is one of my favorite whole albums of 2010.

oh M.I.A you so weird

2010-12-28T06:40:00.000-08:00

I got this album sent to me right after I met Ben.

We were still just friends then. We were just friends for awhile after I moved up here. I had no intention of having a relationship with anyone really. But Ben is really endearing and adorable. He gives these fully body hugs that just feel like someone is putting a little protective bubble around you. And he gives them (at least to me) with reckless abandon. He's never been shy about being affectionate towards me, even when we were just friends who ate dinner together or went to the Old Man Bars together because I really didn't know anyone here but him and Sarah.

Anyway I think the first time I ever had an inkling that I really liked Ben for more than his dinner conversations was driving around one day this summer listening to this song. It may have been while he was on the East Coast with his family and I realized that I missed him. I think we talked on the phone more in those couple of weeks than we ever have now. (He lives five minutes away from me, the phone is just to tell me to unlock the door of the apartment.) He listened to all my gripes about being lonely here and assured me that I wouldn't die up here and the cat wouldn't eat my face or any of that. He made me laugh.

So not only does this song remind me of the latter half of 2010, it reminds me of Ben and hearing him laugh over the phone from 3000 miles away when I was still sleeping on the floor and spending every night sitting next to my pool listening to music wondering what the hell I'd done by moving here.

that boy was a monster

2010-12-27T14:40:00.001-08:00

Everyone knows that the very epic "The Fame Monster" came out in 2009. The story of how I got a copy of the record is one of my favorites from my old job... just having my boss walk in and start rummaging through my purse after we bickered on Facebook about the record. And there it was, in my purse all of a sudden. Viola, surprise here's the CD you've been nagging me for, for like ever.

The whole album is a banger. It's amazing. This song though, popped out at me when we started playing it as a single early in the year.

I've definitely danced to this one a few times in 2010.

i wanna watch the world..

2010-12-22T06:45:00.000-08:00

Songs of 2010... Man there are so many more. This is the first one though that will remind me of Chico.

A little backstory, I LOVE the Deftones. Like LOVE them. Back in the Deadsy days they were known in my house as "friends of the Family," because they were. The Deftones are cool dudes who helped out some friends of mine.

They put out the first single "Diamond Eyes" before I moved to Chico. It might have even been during my interview process to come up here. I don't remember. But when I got here the record was out and I snagged a copy and sat around listening to it a lot. People kept telling me that it was all about "Rocket Skates" and it may still be, but for me it was always about "You've Seen the Butcher," which is slowly and steadily climbing the active rock charts while you and I sit here.

I remember listening to this song the first time I was getting ready to go out with Ben (although at the time it wasn't just Ben I was going out with, etc, group outing with friends blah blah blah...) I didn't know why I was nervous and just was pacing around the apartment after I'd gotten dressed and waiting for my ride, listening to this song on my computer LOUD since the apartment below me was empty at that time. The doorbell rang and the song ended...

Off we went.

new stuff

2010-12-21T11:54:00.000-08:00

Look I don't know what's going on here, but I like it.

I want to crank it on a car stereo and drive around or something.

musica de broken heart

2010-12-21T06:53:00.000-08:00

Let me be straight with you, when I first heard this song I was like WTF? I was on the freeway going up to SLO for work and it came on our station and I was like "This makes no sense." Except this song is universal if you've ever been in love with someone you shouldn't be and let's face it everyone has at some point. And the middle of the night (especially after a pint or two) is the loneliest time of the night when you feel like this.

Or they wouldn't have ways to block people from making phone calls after a certain time of night, right?

I could tell you all the things this song reminds me of. I won't though.

This is one of those songs that will always catch my throat a little and remind me of something so strange I'm starting to think I imagined the whole thing.

No. Just. No.

2010-12-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

Are you serious?

News story:

Michael Vick Wants to Own a Dog Again

MICHAEL VICK is legally barred from ever owning a dog again . . . for obvious reasons. But Vick thinks he's ready for a new pet. And he thinks it would actually help him.

--He says, quote, "I would love to get another dog in the future. I think it would be a big step for me in the rehabilitation process.

--"I think just to have a pet in my household and to show people that I genuinely care, and my love, and my passion for animals."

--Vick blames his upbringing for not knowing that dogfighting was wrong . . . quote, "When I was younger I got caught up in dog fighting . . . It was something to do.

--"I hate to use our culture as an excuse. It is what it is. I love animals. I love dogs. I love birds. I love all types of animals. But this is just the way I was brought up. Nobody ever told me it was the wrong thing to do."

--Vick says that he works with the Humane Society and goes out on speaking engagements . . . even though the courts don't make him. And he claims he's learned his lesson.

--He says, quote, "Dogfighting is prominent all across the country, and I know it goes on in a lot of different urban areas.

--"A lot of kids have probably seen it happening before. Hopefully, they're not involved in it, and hopefully they take away from what happened in my situation and avoid it at all costs."

(--Should Michael Vick own a dog? I know very few dog lovers would say yes. But the guy did serve his time, after all. Aren't we supposed to be about giving people second chances? Discuss.)

-------------

No really, I'm curious internets, what do you think?

If you've spent five seconds on this blog you know what I think, but... How the eff can this guy go around saying he loves animals but didn't know brutally murdering them was WRONG? No. Fail. Get the eff out. I have ZERO patience for people who hurt animals for fun. None. It's just flat out wrong.

I was talking with someone the other day that was actually MORE disgusted about Brett Farve and his sexting and apparently small package. Is what Brett Farve did wrong? Sure. But guess what, I'm way more willing to forgive a little sexting than I am an animal murderer.

People often mistake animals as lesser beings. That they don't feel. That they don't have little personalities and memories and love just as much as human beings do. They're wrong. Animals love fiercely, loyally and most of all unconditionally. They put their blind faith in their human companions. And this is why we should protect them. They give us love, companionship, laughter, some help us walk/see/take our medication/call 911 if we pass out, some help kids learn to read, some help people with social anxiety, some comfort the dying... Animals work for us, care for us and trust us. We should protect them and we should see people that hurt them as absolute villains, as we should see any one who preys on anyone that is helpless and or unable to protect themselves.

I can not point to and re-post this article in Sports Illustrated enough. Look at what Michael Vick's dogs did after they were rescued. These are dogs he would have had shot, electrocuted, drowned, mauled, had beaten to death or tied to a tree to die in the woods because he "didn't know" it was wrong.

So no, I don't think Michael Vick should even be allowed to own a goldfish again, much less a dog or a cat or well anything. I'm not even cool with his return to football and the fact that everyone is so ready to stand up and act like he's some kind of a hero because he served his jail time and now can run faster, jump higher and play harder than before.

Sitting here in Bakersfield

2010-12-15T06:51:00.000-08:00

Social Distortion has a new record coming out in 2011 and this song is on it.

It makes me giggle for many reasons, one of which being some old friends of mine were on tour with them when they wrote it. The boys I knew had a couple of days off from the tour and did a show with Guttermouth in San Luis Obispo and moved into my house for three days before we all headed out to Bakersfield so they could rejoin the tour and my roommate and I could see Social Distortion and of course support our friends.

I've seen Social D about 15 times. I think the Bakersfield show was the 15th, because I haven't seen them since. I was standing on the side of the stage at Stramler Park that night, it was summer and I was behind the little fence that keeps "the public" out sipping on a Coors light that someone had handed me and listening to this song for the first time, after learning it was only a few weeks old. I could see all the old people I used to know in town, some now married with their babies on their shoulders in the park and it was just a really great night.

I had a lot of nights like that back in 2005... It was probably the second most fun summer of my life after the summer of 1999, which was for the most part spent in Bakersfield.

I'll be back in Bakersfield next week for three days. Should be a good time. I won't have a car though, so I'm not sure how it's gonna work out. I don't have money to go out anyway so it's not that big of a deal.

the songs of 2010

2010-12-14T06:29:00.000-08:00

I heard this song for the first time driving to work to pick up my time card some time back in March.

Sometime back in March... ha ha I know exactly when I heard it. The words slapped me in the face and I remember getting the phone out to Shazaam it and looking it up when I got to the office. There wasn't any one else there, it was a Saturday after all and I listened to it again while I filled out my unemployment stuff. Maybe twice more.

I remember just sitting there wondering how it was that someone had snuck into my head and stole all the thoughts I'd been having that week out of my head and put them to music. I remember really being sick of that happening at the time. (I later found out that Pink co-wrote this song and it made even more sense, homegirl reads my mind. I sleep in a tin foil hat to prevent it.)

It was kind of a chilly day and I left the station and went to the post office and then because like a lot of the time in the Spring of that year I didn't want to go home, because home made me sad and frustrated, I walked around downtown SLO and ended up in the Black Sheep probably talking to Rachel and maybe Nicole after that. You never know how long you can nurse a cocktail or a glass of iced tea until you absolutely do not want to go home.

Back to the song, this song is beautiful and I think we've all felt this way some time or another. And sue me I like Adam Lambert, a lot more than I thought I would when the American Idol buzz was going on (I still have yet to watch an entire episode of that show. Or well any of it. I know how it works exclusively from the internet.) Anyway this is yet another song that was part of the sound track of 2010.

I don't have time to be sick

2010-12-13T08:10:00.001-08:00

But I think I've got a small cold. I need soup and to be babied please

feminist notebook

2010-12-12T19:43:00.000-08:00

I was a tiny bit too young for Riot Grrrl. Okay that's not true, it was happening while I was happening, turning into my teen years, realizing I could think, realizing that boys didn't get to have all the fun... yeah Riot Grrrl was HAPPENING. But I was twelve and living in Bakersfield and finding out about all of it from Sassy magazine.

I have no idea how I got a subscription to this magazine as a pre-teen. Probably told my mom it was just like Seventeen or Teen or anything else. She really wanted me to stop reading rock music magazines so I cheated a little. Sue me, like crack on the street I would've found the WORD out there somewhere.

My cousin Michelle was a fantastic bad influence, just dropping the names Exene Cervenka and Anais Nin and god knows what else around me. I devoured these little clues that there was something out there for girls like me.

I just read an article on some celeb gossip piece of crap where someone was interviewing one of my first idols (but not my first idol, that's easily Cyndi Lauper) Kathleen Hanna and she said these Riot Grrrl bands were on the verge of being forgotten. of being lost. Kathleen Hanna donated all her papers, the zines, the everything to NYU to keep this from happening. It just makes me crazy that there are girls younger than my sisters out there walking around without a clue that these women, these ball busting amazing women made it okay for Taylor Momsen to be out there with her boobs out or even that these women were around before Britney or X-Tina or even Gaga (and you know I love me some Gaga)

I had my Riot Grrrl moment in the sun in the early 2000's before riotgrrl.com disbanded. They chose me to be a columnist and asked me to write about something that made me a better feminist and I wrote about moving in with my dad who recognized that I was a person and needed to be independent and needed to learn to make some money and get myself from here to there and even knew that if I worked overnights I wouldn't automatically die or get mugged. They approved my article and then the website folded. But for awhile I was bummed. And if I still had it I would repost the story about how my dad made me the bad ass independent (for the most part) take no prisoners woman I am.

When I was 23 I got to see Le Tigre perform. Kathleen Hanna is a genius. I mean come on, she punched out Courtney Love once and married one of the Beastie Boys (the original reformed boy sexist pigs turned feminists). She made me cry. She was so earnest. She believed whatever she was saying in that tiny club.

I guess what I'm saying is that none of this music should be forgotten. I absolutely wouldn't be who I am without ANY OF IT. I think I even mentioned it on the air the first week I was here when I played L7. I wouldn't have had a clue that I could be the biggest bad ass on the block in rock and be a girl.

I won't let any of this music be forgotten. It means everything.

Last Christmas

2010-12-12T08:14:00.000-08:00

I'll admit it, the Christmas season last year was really hard for me. For one it was hard for me to get presents for anyone and I wouldn't have been able to if it hadn't been for Santa Dad dropping a shopping fund into my bank account. Things at home were strained. Things elsewhere were... odd*.

Last Christmas seems like it was a thousand years ago. On another planet even. It's hard to even imagine myself in the situation and I was right there in it, you know? Anyway enough vague musings.. let's get down to the point.

I was watching "Glee" last week (really I'm ashamed, I have a campy side and I can't deny it. It's how my friend Megan and I have stayed friends for YEARS.) and the Glee kids did one of my favorite Christmas songs, (well one of a few of them... shoot me) and I giggled a little. "Last Christmas," by Wham! is one of my favorites ever.

Oh George, that hair!

Why do I love this song? I'm actually a big George Michael fan... Don't even start me... and because it's perfect. Duh. So perfect it's been covered a million times. And I love most of the covers too! Let's investigate shall we...

Before you watch this one, know that this isn't the real band in the video and the audio quality is so much more "HISSY" than I wanted, but I'm at home so I can't clean it and re-upload. Please survive.

I love Jimmy Eat World. I blame Jennifer for it to be honest. She was always playing Jimmy Eat World at our old house. But I love love love this version of this song and when I make CD Christmas cards, it's ALWAYS on it.

Look there's even a trance remix of it. Let's get a glow stick and freak out on E by the tree! Where's my pacifier?

Speaking of dance music, I just found this version today and I'm not gonna lie, I like it. Cascada (Little Miss Natalie Horler sings "Evacuate the Dancefloor") was one of my favorites when I was over at Wild and I enjoy her take on this song:

Nothing sadder than a beautiful girl in a beanie singing about her ex boyfriend effing her over at Christmas right? Even to a dance beat. Actually she looks like my friend Lauren over at KLUC. I imagine if Lauren went to Germany she might get mobbed.

Finally here is the Glee cast version of it.

So yeah.. that's one of my favorite Christmas songs... I'll share a couple of my other favorites before the holiday for sure.

I don't really know what this Christmas is going to be like. What I do know is I'm getting on a train on December 23rd to go home. That drive is straight up murder. The weather here makes it seems like Christmas but other than putting up my tree, I haven't "gotten the spirit" yet. I have "Love Actually," sitting on my hard drive so I may have to hit that up tonight.. :)

(*Definition of odd: knowing something is going on but choosing to ignore it, HARDCORE because you feel like you're hallucinating? I mean one of those "Did I just imagine that ish?" kind of feelings. And being bound and determined to ignore anything going on in your own head because, yeah.)

that's just how the story unfolds

2010-12-08T20:07:00.001-08:00

There is no way I can hear this song and not think of 2010.

This song came out around the time I was interviewing for my job up here. I probably heard it on the radio about 9098908 times on the drive up. It will never not remind me of that very uncertain time in my life when I wasn't sure what Chico was going to hold and if walking away from the friendships and the decent (but far from perfect) life I had back home.

train vs car travel

2010-12-07T06:24:00.000-08:00

Going home to Bakersfield in 16-17 days and I need to decide, train or car.

Both take about the same amount of time and cost about the same. My dad has graciously offered to help me pay for it.

Cons to train:

Train leaves Chico at 3am.

I have no transportation in Bakersfield for the couple of days I'm there, meaning I either have to rely on other people to drive me around or borrow a car.

I have no way to lug any gifts back or down. Back is no problem, I don't want anything this year but down would bum me out.

Also it's cheaper to leave at 3am Christmas Eve and arrive Christmas Eve day at 130pm than the Thursday previous.

Train is slightly more than car in gas (although gas prices could go up before X-Mas eve) but...

I have to get someone to pick me up and drop me off at both ends of the trip.

I have to be more selective in what I pack and when I go and come back.

Definitely no chance to me zipping over to SLO for a day, but then again who is going to be home anyway?

Pros to train:

Train arrives in Bakersfield at 1:15pm

I only have to ride the bus for one hour if I get a certain route. Everything else is glorious train with snack cars and bathrooms and electrical outlets.

I can sleep on the train (no I know I won't, but the idea is there)

I have anxiety when I drive alone on long country roads. I only developed it living in SLO and taking the two shitty roads out of SLO to Bakersfield. I will be going alone this trip I'm pretty sure and the drive back always takes 12 hours. ALWAYS.

Ben can watch the cat, my house, and my car while I'm gone. Other than the 3am drop off/pick up times, I'm sure he'd have no problem with it.

So internet, what do you think I should do?

2010 music continued

2010-12-03T06:27:00.000-08:00

I admit it, I love Hardnox. Even more so because they were responsible for my first visit to my old station's club night. They played at one of our Wednesday nights and I finally got over being too shy to go and went. I had a blast and it was really neat to be around my friends from work in a more social setting. This song is still on my list of stuff I listen to when I'm getting ready to hit the town.

The Hardnox boys are down to Earth and cool as hell. It was really neat to see them on the Giants victory parade and getting all that love during the play offs and World Series. (The Giants picked up their song "Fist Pump" for something in the park.)

more music from 2010

2010-12-02T22:02:00.000-08:00

I think we were all embarrassed when we fell in love with this song. I know I was embarrassed that this stupid song put into words something I was going through earlier this year. This dorky assed song could say words I didn't know how to make? Failure, thy name is Stephanie.

A million times in our life we think we meet someone who completes us or makes us whatever. I met someone who is me. And I'm one of their biggest fans. And I know that they are one of mine.

I will be nine hundred and eleven years old and still be grateful for knowing someone like that. Being just what I needed even though I probably drove them crazy. (It's okay they drove me nuts too. You try hanging out with yourself all the time, it's absurdly endearing and annoying at the same time.) This song is always, no matter what going to remind me of that and of this weird year when everything I knew changed so completely drastically and hopefully for the better.

"Hey, Soul Sister" - Train

Heeey heeeey heeeeey

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

Heeey heeeey heeeey

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)

p.s. this post was brought to you by my unhealthy relationship with "Glee."

p.p.s eff Train. Seriously. Get out of my head!

songs that remind me of 2010 part 2

2010-12-01T11:44:00.001-08:00

I was sick of Ke$ha "Tik Tok" the minute I started my job. Bitch be annoying... so I thought. Then one morning I was sitting on South Higuera and heard this song.

And I don't know... maybe I heard something that was already going on in my head in it. Maybe I was in a good mood that day. Maybe I was dressed cute. I don't know but this weird, kinda awful song crept into my heart. I will always associate it with a ridiculous inside joke between me and a friend, dancing my ass off, 4 dollar Long Beach Iced Teas the size of a Big Gulp and the feeling that man, I found my home, if even for a little while and found my family, forever.

I like your beard.

Heather.

2010-12-01T06:50:00.000-08:00

Heather may have never remembered me, but I will always remember her. She was around during the best part of my Bakersfield life, the Misbliss days... Heather was the goddess that was my friend's wife.

Heather was a gorgeous, talented, brave, warrior woman. She was an Amazon. She may have even loved us little goth rock rug rats. What I do know is she was always extremely kind to me and a hell of lot of fun to be around.

I feel horrible because I heard what happened while I was home for Thanksgiving but it didn't click who had passed away, because of the way I got the information and because I never knew Heather by her birth last name, but as my friend's wife. My friend's last name.

Heather was never intimidating to me because she was so (excuse me) fucking inspiring to me. I loved her in this very little girl crush way. Because she was so brave and so sure of who she was. She wasn't at least in my eyes scared of anything or anyone. She was my own personal Siouxsie Sioux. I'll never forget her and a lot of my friends won't either.

Tell the people you love that you love them every day. Tell them constantly. Tell them until you're mute and they're deaf. Never let anyone you love slip away. Never let anyone you remotely care about feel alone. Never be afraid to tell people you idolize that you love them, that you care. Never. It's messy and embarrassing but it's real. Be real. Be strong. Be an Amazon.

This. When I think of Heather, this is what I think of:

It's the end of the year

2010-11-30T11:43:00.000-08:00

It's the end of the year almost, which is when the "end of the year top whatevers" lists come out.

I'm not going to do that here. What I am going to do is recount some of the songs that define 2010 for me. I may not post every day, but this was quite a year for me and I have a lot of memories centered around music.

Back in January of this year I was quite aware that my life was completely different than it had been in years previous. My taste in music changed in part because of where I worked, where I hung out, who I hung out with and in part because rock music was kind of dead to me at that time last year. Nothing spoke to me.

I was also kind of sad and for some reason hearing this bad ass bad girl anthem from a girl who had gone through a really rough time in the public eye, I don't know it was inspiring and fun and for awhile this song was my theme song. I know I must have spun it on the air a million times, but I listened to it in my car, or on my iPod when I was running. It was the beat, it was the lyrics, it was the toughness, it was Rihanna who I love... Anyway I will always think of the early part of 2010 when I hear this song, driving home from the radio station in the dark, wondering if anything was ever going to change.

I'm gonna tell you a secret

2010-11-30T07:06:00.000-08:00

This was not our first date, date. But it was the first time we went out in a group with some friends.

Goofing off at my house before a Seahawks game.

Goofing off at my house before I left for a remote.

Goofing off at Duffy's when the Giants won the World Series.

At Noriega's for my mom's birthday.

Secret time? I love this man. Bigger secret? He loves me too.

Familia

2010-11-29T06:39:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Mama D

2010-11-23T17:55:00.000-08:00

This is my Mama D. AKA Denise, AKA my second mom. Today is her birthday.

I haven't always had a Mama D. She came to our family after I moved to San Luis Obispo and I can honestly say it helped me relax about moving away. I didn't worry so much about my dad being lonely after I left and took our kitty with me for awhile.

I am so excited to be going home tomorrow to see Mom and my Dad. I haven't really been able to spend as much time with them this past year as I would've liked to. I'm glad I get to go home for a few days and see the family and celebrate Denise's birthday too.

Happy Birthday Denise! I love you!!!

Cold, you're so cold

2010-11-23T17:53:00.000-08:00

Why in the hell is it so cold in Norcal? I just heard something on the news about sub zero temps in the mountains. Hell No. No.

I'm itching to go home tomorrow. I miss my friends and family. I am ready to see some old/new sights. I'm ready to veg out on the couch with my dad and pet the cats and not worry about things for a few days. This is going to be great.

Dear Pixar

2010-11-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Pixar,

Thank you for your "It Gets Better" video.

(If you haven't seen it, here it is:)

This video had me in tears.

Here is why:

These are "regular" people. These aren't celebrities. These are just people like me and the rest of the world out there who got to find their way in life and they want to show troubled / bullied / scared kids that it does in fact get better.

But also because Pixar is not afraid to support Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered people. Pixar is the one company I least expected to come out and say "Hey a ton of our family/staff is gay and we support them," not because I didn't think this was the way it was, but because this is sort of a dangerous statement to put out there when you are in children's entertainment and when you are marketing to a majority.

I love you Pixar, for looking at this situation like "money be damned, this is who we are and it's okay and it's okay for you to be that way too."

I am probably reading too much into this but big props to you Pixar. This was beautiful.

Love
Stephanie

Another edition of stuff I want

2010-11-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

It's winter time in Chico, which means I need winter clothes

By this time next week I could be...

2010-11-19T06:49:00.000-08:00

Or we could just stay in Bakersfield all weekend. I don't know. My sister can't come home for Thanksgiving so I might go out there on Friday to see her. Ben hasn't ever been to SLO either. So we'll see.

this is what I think of last night's Danzig show

2010-11-18T13:04:00.000-08:00

In other words Glenn Danzig, you can bite me.

Michael Vick is still a dog murdering a-hole, I don't care how many yards he...

2010-11-16T18:07:00.001-08:00

My friend Nina over at the Slack Daily wrote a very impassioned wonderful blog about why she is anti-Michael Vick. And I agree with her 100%.

Let me break it down for you. Michael Vick participated in illegal dog fighting. He also participated in the torture and murder of hundreds of innocent dogs. This makes me sick. I can not stand people who could hurt an animal or a child. They are helpless beings and they look to us to protect them, not to cause them harm and fear.

(And no, I'm not comparing your children to dogs, but basically they're both innocent and to a point helpless against attacks)

All day long people were talking about Michael Vick's great effin' Monday night game and talking about him like he was the second coming of whatever and all I could think was, yeah but those same arms that were throwing touchdowns last night helped murder animals for well... no good reason at all. Out of what? Ignorance? Boredom? A gambling problem? But it all seems forgotten to a lot of people because he's so "good" at his game. He's an okay guy now, right?

Just like I'll shake my head at all the new endorsement deals that will probably come out of this and all the new products I'm going to NOT be purchasing because the company who makes them thinks that this is an alright dude, this is someone they support, someone they want to make rich, to make a hero.

The real heroes in the Michael Vick story are the countless people and shelters that found homes for his abused dogs and gave them as much of a normal life as those dogs could have after living in the conditions they did. You want to read something that will break your heart and make you have hope? Read this article that Sports Illustrated did a couple of years ago about his dogs. I dare you not to be choked up after that.

I realize that there is a large segment of the population that thinks he paid his dues and should be able to do his thing now and we can all just forget about it. But I'm not one of them. The level of cruelty shown to these dogs can't be "reformed" out of you by sitting in prison for a couple of years. That's crap.

So I'm just gonna keep ignoring the Eagles like I do and hope they don't get into the Super Bowl because I don't want to avoid the big game all together because this bag of dicks is playing in it. But I would.

this one goes out to the girl in the big sunglasses

2010-11-16T06:51:00.000-08:00

What can I say about Teresa that I haven't said already?

I met Teresa when she came to work at Clear Channel way back in the day. Obviously I originally didn't trust her because she was cute and funny and short like me and had great clothes. Obviously the world had sent me some kind of nemesis to battle. Obviously I was used to being the only girl and obviously I was used to being the only girl to get attention from this one guy we both know. Case in point she was sent to the radio station to ruin my life.

Except she wasn't. The first time I really remember Teresa being there for me was the day that Clear Channel sold us. Let's be real, we were all drunk at the radio station that day and crying because a lot of our friends got fired and we were scared. I remember sitting in that meeting with Teresa, this girl I only slightly knew and holding her hand while the new owners started going over everything we were going to be going through the rest of that day.

Not long after Teresa arrived she started doing the Punk Ass Bitches Show with us. It was nice to not be the only girl anymore. I'd been ganged up on by the guys long enough and Teresa is a firecracker! Sometime during the summer we went to see Alkaline Trio together, just us, no boys and we had a blast. At one point we were both pretty buzzed at McBar and I'm pretty sure she dropped her beer so she wouldn't have to drink it but that's neither here nor there.

Then I got laid off. Then Teresa got laid off. And we were both broke and miserable together. We'd meet up for drinks and bitching a few times a month because if not, when would we ever see anyone?

In August of 2009 she called me and told me about a job at the radio station she was doing sales at. I had already applied but she wanted me to meet the general manager and took me out to meet him before my interview. I got the job. The next ten months of my life weren't perfect but having Teresa in my life every day was rad. This girl can make me laugh, can keep my secrets and most of all gets me. She is one of the people who held me up and encouraged me to get where I am now and I'm grateful to her.

Most of all I just miss her though. Teresa is one of those friends who buys people little gifties when she thinks it will make them smile. She's always down to go have a drink and bitch about your crappy day and boys. Or boys. Yes we bitched about boys a lot... ha ha. I had some "issues" going on when I worked with her. She's funny and generous and mean as all hell if you cross someone she loves.

Recently my girl started a new job. She's selling cars and I know she's going to be the freakin' bomb at it. She's good at whatever she does, even if that is cutting the hems off your pants in the office or singing some parody of the Shaft theme song in a commercial. Teresa is one of a kind. I miss her every freakin' day and if I don't see her soon, I'm going to throw up.

Or cry. But I'll probably cry if I see her too. I'm a douche like that.

i just want you back in my head

2010-11-15T06:39:00.000-08:00

My goodness this has been a busy weekend.

Friday night I saw Jeremy in Pontypool over at the Blue Room. Great play. Jeremy was fantastic. I actually forgot I was watching someone I knew while he was on stage.

Saturday I judged a battle of the bands.

Yesterday Ben and I went to watch the Seahawks game over at the End Zone, until this REALLY OBNOXIOUS broad just ruined the whole day for us so we went home before the 4th Quarter. I was PISSED but the Seahawks won anyway, so really? After that we hung around the house. Ben has been helping me organize the kitchen and I swear it almost looks as good as it did before I had anything in it. So to reward him, I made my famous green bean cassorole last night.

Neither one of can drink milk and we've been drinking Almond Milk at the house which gave dinner a neat flavor actually. It doesn't thicken like regular milk though so I think I am going to add some potato soup next time I make it... You see because HE LIKED IT. I win at food. Actually I love cooking for Ben because he does like everything I make. If he doesn't, he seems to do a good job pretending to and always has seconds.

We also watched U2 "Rattle and Hum" on tv and basically just chilled.

This is a busy week for me as well. I have the Kottonmouth Kings tomorrow night, Danzig on Wednesday and Turkey Bowling on Thursday. Plus I'll be working my ass off to get ready for Thanksgiving. Wheew.

Still trying to finalize my plans for that weekend. I do want to go to the Central Coast but don't know if its possible and I haven't spent an extended period of time with my family since last Christmas so we'll see.

hazy shade of winter

2010-11-14T09:41:00.000-08:00

Last night I judged a high school battle of the bands at Cafe Coda here in Chico and it was pretty crazy how much NOTHING has changed about these scenes/kids since I was a little live music rat at fifteen. The fashion isn't honestly that different, and the little cliques of kids, very similar.

And the bands... man the bands, so heart stoppingly earnest and not technically good, but their little hearts are just splattered all over everything. And yeah, there are still the dorky joke bands ala the Dead Milkmen and the jocky rich kid bands ala Pennywise. It's alarmingly similar to my life 15 years ago.

For some reason though instead of seeming comical to me, it was just sweet. It made me smile. I'm glad to see that this home for "outsiders" exists in the world still and even still in a really small place like Chico where they only have two high schools and being "normal" is just the only way to be.

Emily kept apologizing for keeping me so long yesterday, but I didn't mind. I liked watching the kids have their night out and talking to a few of them that know me from the radio. They seemed pretty blown away that I was there (which honestly is a far nicer reception than any radio person would've gotten in our scene back in Bakersfield at that time. "Effin sellouts! Raaarr") and the band that won, Color Me Plaid were this cute little acoustic duo, think half of early Paramore, this probably 14-16 year old girl with braces and pink hair singing her heart out. And I was glad for her band to have won, because it is incredibly brave to get up there on stage in front of other mean little teenagers and sing your heart out. So good for her. I wanted to talk to her afterwards but didn't. I mean who cares what some creepy old lady thinks?

All in all though, it was an enjoyable evening and I need to go back and check out Cafe Coda again for food and breakfast.

two days in the valley

2010-11-12T08:46:00.000-08:00

In a couple of weeks, Ben and I are driving down to my parents house for Thanksgiving weekend. This is pretty cool since Ben has never been further south than Fresno. Bakersfield is completely alien to him and as far as I know he doesn't really have preconceived notions of what it will be like.

So the question becomes what do I show him in the limited amount of time we have down on Earth?

Obviously we're going to go to the VIP for a spell. (Did I just say "spell?" I am turning into my grandma.) And maybe here:

Because who hates Mexicali?

And I might be a douchebag if I don't at least show Ben The Mint.

Don't believe the hype, yeah this place is a total hole, but I've had a lot of fun there.

I am beyond excited though, because I get to show him Noriega's which you may remember is where I celebrated my 30th birthday. I pulled up the menu the other day to show him what was being served and explained how you eat there and I think he went into a food coma just listening to me talk. Ha ha.

In a word, it's going to be glorious. Time/Money permitting we may jet over to SLO for the day on Friday since Mom's birthday party is Saturday but this is also only of course if I can get Dad to pet sit Lily for the day, since Lily is coming with us.

Yes, I'm the lunatic who travels with her cat. So?

Anyway what else in the big bad Bakersfield do I show this guy? No clue when I'll ever drag him out of Nor Cal again so any suggestions? I'll take em.

See you guys in a couple of weeks.

we'll be young forever

2010-11-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

A year ago I was in a really really weird place.

Deeply unhappy at home but no idea how to express that I was feeling that way. It seemed impossible after all, how could I be unhappy? I'd just gone back to work, had started getting my body back, had a cute house, great friends, I wasn't single and ~~I thought I was in love.~~

That sounds shitty when I say it that way. I was in love with him. That's true.

When I wasn't working, I didn't long for much but work. That year "off" was really hard on me both emotionally and physically. I guess I just stopped wanting anything but to go back to work and every failed job interview or resume I sent out without getting an answer was devastating. I was pretty sure I was never going to work again actually. I'd just about given up. The week I went in to interview to work at Wild, I had also applied at Starbucks, a jewelry store, a personal assistant, a receptionist... I'd even taken a job I thought was going to be rad at a "publicists" agency, which turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of spoiled rich kids playing "office." (Yeah I said it, wanna fight?) I left after two days.

Under all of this stress, this depression, this rudderlessness, I didn't notice that back at the ranch things were going sour in my love life. Because I didn't have the energy to worry. It was there. He hadn't left in the middle of the night and taken the cat. I was so focused on getting a job again and getting "me" back, that it was almost all I had energy for. Beyond the crying jags and the three or four trips I took to do things I never had time for while working just to do SOMETHING.

So I got the job at Wild. And the fog lifted and I started... I don't know mingling with my kind again. I didn't know how STARVED I was to talk about radio, to talk about music, to just talk about bitchy office bull-ish until there was one day I was at work and I made my boss laugh or something. We had started telling radio stories. In a weird way me and the boys in the back became the Three Amigos or something, because there we were in our little pirate ship doing what we love at any means neccesary. I don't know who did what first but by the time I went home for Thanksgiving, I knew I had a solid foundation back home. Friends. Brothers. People that opened my eyes to two things: I am not that bad and I am alive.

By Christmas, I knew... things weren't ever going to be the way they were again at home, no matter how hard I tried. Because I was someone else again. I was me, and not this defeated little thing. I'll tell you right now I walked into my last job not knowing shit. I knew how to talk on the radio and how to boss my boss around (ha ha, kinda) but not really how to do my actual job. I learned on the fly, on fire, with a team of cheerleaders and from one of the coolest mofo's I've ever known. It was very SoCal touchy feely but they let me in, they held me up and taught me everything they knew. Changed my life really. By Christmas I knew that my heart had changed it's mind and I had to do something with myself.

I didn't know last Thanksgiving, that a year later I'd be here, in Chico, hundreds of miles from everyone who made this possible, doing something I had always said I could do (and did do for awhile) and doing it better than a lot of people will ever let on. I have the professional gig I always wanted more or less. I made friends with lightening fast speed, I am seriously shocked myself, I'm a goober, I don't even want to hang out with me. I tried so many new things and met so many great people and formed my own little radio family up here as well.

And then there's the happiest accident of all, Ben. Last year I wouldn't see myself here, getting ready to go out to tacos with my boyfriend on a random Thursday night because we've been so good living off of boxed meals and staying home (or homes I guess, we don't live together) for over a week! There's a lot to be said for this boy, but the most important part of it is, he sees me for exactly who I am. He knows when I'm broke or simply too overwhelmed to function and he just fixes it. Brings me groceries because he knows I'll just not eat before trying to figure out how to go to the grocery store on 10 bucks, helps me with the dishes, brought me a vaccuum cleaner when I couldn't get mine back from the coast... I don't ask, he just does. I never thought of myself as the girlfriend of a grad student, a teacher, a hydrologist, a scientist, a beer snob who loves to eat Ethnic meals, a lover of music and movies who gives the best hugs in Chico? Forget it, I never would've imagined it.

Doesn't mean it's not awesome. Doesn't mean I'm not happy.

A year ago I was lost and a group of people took me in and gave me the tools to find my own way home. I may still be traveling, in fact I know I am, but I'm closer than I was before.

spun

2010-11-11T06:52:00.000-08:00

I have to believe that women my age are still looking for that pop song kind of love, or I'm just going to feel silly.

Musica

2010-11-09T12:25:00.001-08:00

I've been listening to Taio Cruz a lot lately. No one knows why.

tokens...

2010-11-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

I love this song because it really does capture the point of being in love with someone where logic and ration goes out the window. Love is not always logical. Mostly it's not. Mostly it's messy and strange and crazy and the most illogical of all emotions humans feel.

But it's wonderful too. To be loved. To love someone... It's a wonderful thing. I'm terrible at it, but I've seen other people do it really well. I wonder if there is a class on this... I mean come on there was one at the community college back home on how to start a blog! (What was the first step? Pull your head out of your ass and log onto the internet?)

Crazy thing is I'm not even bitter at the moment. I have no reason to be in this department. I just realized over the weekend that I'm not the easiest girl to love sometimes. I'm messy when I'm overworked (that's all of the time pretty much,) I'm not fantastic with money. I can be a flake when I just do not feel like doing something. I'm geeky and love childish things. I'm overly social and I talk a lot. I get my feelings hurt sometimes, very easily. I'm a crazy perfectionist when it comes to work. I swear too much. I forget to wear make up as often as I remember to wear it. I love my cat A LOT. I have a lot of male friends. I'm overly loyal to friends as well and that's caused problems. I'm driven and ambitious and busy an awful lot. I like going out with my friends. I don't ask permission to do things, because I don't need it.

But I'd like to think that some people find all of the reasons I was "the worst girlfriend in the world" to some of my exs, these things make me amazing. Or you know, not intolerable.

Yay!

2010-11-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

These are my friends Trent and Lora at my going away party...

I met them about two months before I moved to the Moon and they're good people. Always willing to help you with whatever and always always down to have a good time.

I'm excited because Lora's job brought them to Oregon which in turn is bringing them to Chico on their way back to their winter home in Bakersfield. We're probably going to get drinks and laugh loads. I can not wait.

----

On another note, HELLA homesick for SLO lately. I know, I know I was just there two months ago. I just miss a couple of people more than I care to let on. Need one of those big bear hugs and a laugh at my own expense.

Need some time at the Black Sheep with the lovely Nicole. Need to sink my toes in the sand...

Been listening to Lady Gaga Radio on Pandora while I'm home and it's like listening to a time machine.

mushy

2010-11-03T06:26:00.001-07:00

There's something about Ben that turns me into a mush monster. Seriously. I am not a giggly crushy crush girl but I do in fact have a crush on my boyfriend. He came over last night and we had dinner and cocktails and I watched "The Walking Dead" while he graded papers.

Do you know how cute it is to watch your man grade papers? It's damn cute. I never thought I'd be a girl with a boyfriend who grades papers on her couch. He has a red pen and everything. What?

Or there are times when he is saying something incredibly odd and that I'm pretty sure most people would just go "What the eff?" and I just laugh. I like how quirky he is and I like that he's quick to laugh and always smiles for me. He never thinks anything I have to say is weird and once told me "Everything you do is so cool."

Trust me a girl likes hearing that.

This is a guy who brought me warm socks and pastries at my biggest event ever. He took care of me when I got home and was sore beyond all reason. He surprises me sometimes by taking out my trash or loading my dishwasher. I'll come dragging home from work after he's stayed here only to find a dishwasher full of clean glasses and spoons and my pots and pans soaking in the sink to make it easier on me to load them later. He plays with my cat (she still likes the fishing pole game) because "Mommy" is boring and usually just wants to pet her. He's a stuff fixer.

In short, we are very happy. He said to me once that I am his best friend and I think that's pretty rad.

Don't stop believing

2010-11-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

Last night the San Francisco Giants became the World Series champions. The Giants are my 2nd team. I'm a Red Sox fan through and through but there is just something about those Giants that I love. Could be Brian Wilson....

Actually Brian Wilson kind of looks like my boyfriend... Anyway Ben isn't a big baseball guy but he went out with me last night because he knew it was important to me. This is one of those reasons he rocks. He also didn't blink an eye when I called Todd to congratulate him. Yes I did. I know, it's not needed but I'm happy for him.

Did I mention Ben gave me a Giants shirt? Because he likes seeing me smile.

This is after they won at Duffy's.

As a trade I'm going to try to watch hockey with Ben this season. He used to play hockey as a kid. He's a Sharks fan, and I don't know that I can go there when I've had the Bruins beat into my skull by my friends (and the Kings, Hi Michael) but I'll try, since he puts up with me and my baseball and football. We're trying to go to a Sharks game this year together.

Anyway I'm off track. Yay Giants. Yay baseball for making it possible for me to have a civilized conversation with someone...

And Brian Wilson needs to call me.

crush crush crush

2010-11-01T05:10:00.000-07:00

Halloween was so fun this year. Ben and I went to see my friend Dain's cover band and throughly rocked out. We had tacos before hand. Ben was a bunny. I was of course the Lady Hello Kitty.

Speaking of Ladies, I only saw two Lady Gaga's this year. One did have her hair rolled up in cans like in the "Telephone" video though.

Treat Street was fun. There was one other Hello Kitty and she was adorable. Probably about four years old. She took of RUNNING across a booth to hug me. It was really sweet. Actually most of the kids were very sweet and cute.

Ben came over last night and we ate Jack O'Lantern pizza and tried to watch movies but we couldn't get into either movie he brought. We talked a lot and he ate some of the candy he told me I needed to buy (not one trick or treater came by the way, I'm going to have candy for months) and he giggled at me because I got irrationally jealous of these two broads he knew before me. Yeah, hi, I'm SANE. Ha ha.

The thing about Ben is that I can say anything to him. And he makes me laugh. And reminds me to eat and sometimes I wake up and see that he's done my dishes or fixed some other disaster in my house. Like when the cat broke my dvd player (no really she snapped a wire) he fixed it. He fixed my computer. He came to rescue me when I ran out of gas. He fusses over me a little bit, I think because he knows I'm kind of a baby and need that sort of thing. At least at home. And his parents seem to like me for some reason or another, even when I show up at their house dressed like Hello Kitty.

My parents are mostly to thank for my Halloween. My gosh my dad and Mama D bought my costume and gave me a little Halloween Bonus so I could have some fun. Ben helped a ton too but with the way Chico is, it was nice to have some extra scratch in case I wanted to take a cab.

It was definitely fun to celebrate again. I do LOVE Halloween but for the last three years didn't really celebrate at all. Last year I did dress up but ended up in a fight with my ex at the end of the night so really...

Anyway I had a nice weekend. I have a band rolling through the station today at 1 to play and Novembeard starts tonight as well. I have to roll out to Duffy's after work to support all my guys in growing their beards "for the kids."

Looking forward to Thanksgiving. I miss my folks and I can't wait to go home. Seriously.

Happy Halloween from Hello Kitty

2010-10-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

It's dumb but I freakin' love Slayer. Sue me. (And yes, I saw them live once with Static-X and Pantera.)

I also love cover songs. It was a big part of the Punk Ass Bitches Halloween Show.. Covers are like a band is wearing a costume, so let's play...

Unwritten Law - "Goodie Two Shoes" further evidence that my future ex husband Scott Russo wants me. Duh I love Adam Ant. And this cover is pretty fun. I love these boys though, so I might be biased. But whatever, this is Unwritten Law dressed up as Adam Ant.

If Rise Against can take Journey, I can too. By the way Journey isn't the go-to in Nor Cal. That might be a SLO thing.

Okay so those are two of my favorites...

So last night I went to see a Ramones cover band called Pinhead that my friend Dain is in. Dain was the first person I met outside of work when I moved to Chico. Dain is rad.

His cover band actually pulled this one out last night!

Awesome.

Goddamnit I know there are more. But Hello Kitty is tired.

More spooky gems for you

2010-10-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

Let's play Stephanie Listened to Goth Rock like a lame theatre part 2

Siouxsie and The Banshees - "Halloween"

My god I love Siouxsie. If I look as good as this woman when I'm her age... well jeeze.

This picture is from her last album 2 years ago.

Ministry - "Every Day is Halloween"

Ministry has a special place in my heart. The fact that Al Jorgenson HATES this album makes me giggle. It is pretty silly. But I do love it. And Ministry, man I wouldn't have my BFF Jen-Wa the Destroyer if it weren't for Ministry. Truly an important band in my life.

Here, have some "real" Ministry because I feel generous. This is beyond not safe for work. I think he says the "F" word about 70 times.

Moving on:

The Cramps are amazing. "Human Fly" is a great song. I was super sad when Lux Interior died a couple of years ago and I read all these comments in the gossip blogs from little 12 year olds going "OMG WHOZ?" Parents, educate your children.

I suppose I'd be a bad American if I didn't include Oingo Boingo among my Halloween favorites. But this is my favorite before "Dead Man's Party," sorry guys.

However this is cool:

I once spent a Halloween watching Johnny Vatos from Oingo Boingo play drums in a cafe. That was pretty rad.

Let's talk about Son of Sam. This is not AFI. They put out this great album called "Songs From Earth" and I haven't heard the follow up. Sorry, I'm a bad music fan.

I'll have more for you tomorrow I'm sure.

Things about me you may not know

2010-10-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

I'm a pretty sensitive kid. You wouldn't know it because I'm always joking and I laugh a lot. I like making other people laugh. I like to make other people feel like the best person they can be. I live for that kind of a thing. Hell if you think about it, it's kind of what I do for a living. I think the world would be a better place if everyone went around thinking how they could make other people feel good about themselves.

But for all the smiling and joking, I'm really a sensitive kid. I cry pretty easily when I'm alone. How emo, I know, feelings are lame. But it's true. I cry at talking animal movies, any movie where someone dies, I cry at books, I cry at sad songs. I am just this massive ball of emotional retardedness.

Someone asked me recently why I always say "It's fine, don't worry about it." I think it's because I'm telling myself that. Because being so far away from my support system, falling apart every time something hurts my feelings, it's not an option. Because if someone yells at me at work or I misread someone's intentions in my life, I can't just run over to Teresa's house or go to the Black Sheep and tell Nicole about it over some veggie chilli. Hell I can't even go to the radio station and unload on Jojo (which I'm sure he's relieved about, ha ha) or make Tristan go to McCarthy's with me so he can tell me to sack up, rub some dirt on it and walk it off.

On the same level I can't just get in the car and drive two hours and be at my parents house either. Or Jackie's house. Or well... anyone. I'm six hours away at least from everyone who knows me best. So being sad, having a fit, needing something, these aren't options. It has to be okay. I can not worry about it.

Like on Thursday we had this huge event. And some stuff went wrong. And I couldn't freak out. I had no option but to say it was fine, walk it off and put a big smiley face on for the television camera and for my people. So yeah I guess I say "It's fine, don't worry about it," a lot. It's sort of like my mantra any more.

And it is.. it's fine. Moving up here was the scariest thing I have ever done. I don't think anyone understands how good, at least emotionally I had it at my last job. I was safe. I was with friends, hell those people are my family. It was fun and I had very little to account for. (Although Jo would probably tell you I kept trying to get more to do and probably over worked myself for what I was making, but hey you do that for the things/people you love) But with the love and support of my family and friends I made this jump to the moon and I'm here now trying to make my way. Trying. Most of the time it's going well.

Happy Halloween

2010-10-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

I love Halloween. No joke. I like black cats and most scary movies and fall weather and all that stuff. But what I love most is the music... ahhh yes, it's true, I was a goth kid at an embarrassingly late age. It served me well once a year for four years though, when I was the co-creator/co-host/music director for a specialty show. On Halloween weekend, I brought out the best of the "spooky" best and I am beyond proud to say it is a tradition that has been continued in my absence. My friend Tristan emailed me the playlist for this weekend's show this morning and I was so proud. If you're near a computer on Saturday night at 11, punch up www.newrock1073.com and listen to the Punk Ass Bitches show. Definitely one of the best things I was ever a part of.

Anyway since this music is what I do best, let's explore some of the songs I used to throw on the Halloween edition of the show:

The Virgin Prunes- "Baby Turns Blue"

You might not know this, but this band is loosely connected to U2.

I owe my friend Johnny Davies full credit for introducing me to this great band. Their stuff was at one point very hard to find but I think it's back out in circulation...

Christian Death-"Romeo's Distress"

You have to understand Christian Death is kind of offensive. But I love this band. Don't care. One of the stranger things I think I've ever seen was the Rozz Williams exhibit at the Museum of Death. Seriously they had the door he hung himself from and his ashes there. The Museum of Death is creepy. Anyway I have Jeremy Cross, the renowned artist to thank for bringing this band into my life. The album "Only Theatre of Pain" is amazing.

Bauhaus- "In the Flat Field"
Doesn't seem like the obvious choice, I mean that's "Bela Lugosi's Dead," but I've danced to this gem a few times in the goth clubs of LA and I love it. It's just as creepy. Peter Murphy is one of my all time favorite artists and I've seen his solo show a handful of times. This song is begging to be featured in a scary movie.

45 Grave - "Riboflavin"

Sure it's silly. So is the "Monster Mash" but you like that too. 45 Grave is another one of those Death Punk bands that never got their due. Dinah Cancer once gave me a Halloween pumpkin full of skull and spider rings. She's so cool. Anyway they did have one minute of fame if you can call it that:

"Party was featured in "The Return of the Living Dead," which I need to get on DVD.

Misfits - "London Dungeon"

Yeah there are more obvious choices for the Misfits, but damn if this song isn't great too. I mean you're hard pressed to find a Misfits song that's not about skulls or dead shit or whatever, so forgive the fact I skipped "Skulls."

And now I'm just going to blow out a handful of songs from my favorite cover band of all time, The Electric Hellfire Club, who seems to cover all my favorite goth/industrial/darkwave bands... Yes I just said darkwave, eat it.

They do one of Type O Negative "Black No. 1" but I can't find it on the Youtubes.

While we're on creepy covers, how about this one from Coil? "Tainted Love." Man I like it better than the Marilyn Manson cover.

The Sisters of Mercy- "Marian"
This is just another of those "creepy" bands I really really like and love to drag out on a rainy night to listen to. It's definitely not out of place on a Halloween party soundtrack...

I could keep doing this all night. Maybe I'll throw some more at you before Halloween night...

sigh

2010-10-29T06:54:00.001-07:00

Nothing like getting paid and already being broke. I have this great costume and don't even get to go out this weekend because taaa daaa I don't have any money. Being grown up sucks.

me and love

2010-10-27T12:07:00.001-07:00

My job has always been an issue in my relationships. I can't remember one that it wasn't. There is always the threat of my needing to move to another city for an opportunity or the long hours or the fact that I spend 90% of my time surrounded by men only, because there aren't a lot of girls in my business. It's always caused friction in my life as I am sure no one likes feeling like they come second to something else, even if they don't actually come second, it sometimes feels like it I'm sure.

I relate to this Gaga quote because I've done it a million times. Been sitting there looking at that decision. That ultimatum. Me or that. Us or radio. Us or the next adventure. Be with me or go be "famous" (I don't think I'm famous but I've had this load of shit thrown at my face before.) I've always chosen work. I've always chosen me. I'm selfish that way.

I've never regretted it though. And I honestly think it's impossible for me to meet someone who understands 100% how my business works. Because if I meet someone like that, they probably work in the same business and they're just as driven as I am. Just as ambitious. Just as focused. Just as much of a geek. I know there are more of "me" out there, I've worked with them. I've admired them. But I also know that given the choice: a relationship or work, they'd chose work, just like me. Work is always there, there is always something to be done, you can always go drown yourself in it when you're lonely.

To be fair, nothing is wrong now. I'm not terribly lonely or having issues really, just saw this today and it really struck me. Kinda weird to know one of the most famous women in the world has the same world view as me....

goodnight

2010-10-27T05:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I got the sad news that one of my former co-workers from the Clear Channel days of SLO and Santa Maria passed away.

M had been fighting cancer for awhile now. Hard. Four years ago they told her she had like six months live and well... that was four years ago. I think we all held our breath and hoped she'd beat it a little longer, because I can't think of a single person who doesn't love M. She was this gorgeous firecracker of a woman and although I didn't work with her every day, I looked forward to seeing her at our station gatherings. She always had a smile on her face and made everyone else around her smile too.

My heart aches for my former co-workers back home. My thoughts are with you guys. And with M, she'll be missed.

Shades of Scar

2010-10-25T11:51:00.001-07:00

My friend Carlton has this new record out by his side project Shades of Scar. The album is called "The Hollow Season," and it is available via iTunes. I am so excited to be listening to it because I remember when "Zen Rivers" and a couple of these songs were just demos.

Carlton is insanely talented and I am so glad to hear him making music that he loves and believes in. If you like Skinny Puppy and the like... you will like this. Go to iTunes and download it.

familia

2010-10-23T11:42:00.001-07:00

I'm not an only child by any means. I have two sisters, but I am the oldest. I've never had any brothers and have no idea what it would be like.

However when I was working at the Sea Shanty down in SLO I seemed to acquire a few of them. My two favorites being my boy Jojo and my big brother Danny.

This is at my going away party. This picture is on my desk.

I think about these two all the time. My last few months in San Luis Obispo, man I wouldn't have made it if it hadn't been for them listening to me freak out and cry and these two knuckleheads constantly making me laugh and putting up with the fact I would just walk into their office and sit on the floor and cry like an idiot. I could be 811 years old and I will always consider them not just my friends, but my family.

It's funny I miss them like crazy and am often reminded of this fact when I'm on the Facebook, like this morning. I was very blessed with my time there at the Sea Shanty and I'll probably never not be grateful for it.

There are more, the lovely DJ Slick, the amazing Sauve Javi, the very cool, talented and extremely nice DJ SOL... Damn man, I miss you all so much. There isn't anything like that going in Nor Cal, this is certain.

I'm grateful because all of these people helped me find my way when I was so lost. I can't thank them enough, which means you'll hear about them again someday.

Love you guys lots. xoxoxo

on a Mansion World

2010-10-22T06:50:00.001-07:00

A long time ago there was this band Deadsy. My friend Russ got me into them back in 2000 when he took me to one of their first public shows. Actually it was before that, we were going to the Orgy "Vapor Transmissions" signing and he told me about this band he found searching Orgy on Limewire or Napster or whatever thing that isn't around any more. We went to see Deadsy about 3 months later at the Roxy Theatre in West Hollywood. It was the only show I ever got to see where Craig "the Beast" Riker played because unlike a lot of the old school "Legions" I didn't live in Los Angeles.

You wouldn't think so, but this band ended up actually changing my life. Like on a very real level. During the eight years I ran around in their circles I met some people who are still my family, my heart to this day. I've met Legions from all over the country, either that have flown in for a show or just flown to California to meet friends from the band's message board.

There are stories.... They are epic. For instance I met my former roommate and my best friend Jennifer through this band. My closest neighbor here in Chico, the amazing Casey Bowden up in Redding? Met him through this band. Susan, my gorgeous girlfriend who I've spent many a lost weekend with? Definitely through the Deadsy experience.

At first it was about the music. Getting what we thought was this crazy amazing band some exposure. Then honestly it became about the people. The boys in the band (well most of them) were down to Earth and more than happy to hang out with their fans. The fans were all dedicated and maybe we were not the coolest kids on the block at home but we made our own little world. There was message board royalty. Seriously. There were the people you always wanted to meet when you went to shows, either because of their pictures or posts or how rad they were in the weekly Deadsy chats and later because of their Myspace pages or whatever...

A few days ago one of the former board members, Stillbirth was one of his more popular handles, started a group on Facebook called "Deadbook," and we've all been meeting up on there and talking and sharing pictures and stories from the old days and it's almost like no time has passed at all. For some of these people this is like their high school reunion. For me it's like a family reunion. I can absolutely say that these kids saved my sanity when I went through a really shitty break up back in 2007. I was running the West Coast street team when "Phantasmagore" came out and I had to watch the board, mail posters, go to shows, meet people and make phone calls. When I wasn't working at the radio station I was doing Deadsy shit. And it was the only way I didn't go absolutely crazy. Because even if I was sad or depressed about my situation, these kids wanted to talk to me on the phone or chat online. We shared each other's lives. I knew what was going on in each and every one of their lives and they knew mine, even people I've never met. We bonded over this band and then took each other in.

By the time the ride was over, it wasn't even about the amazing music anymore. It was about the amazing people, the great times, and the feeling that at least for awhile, we all had each other. Most of these people are still my friends. Even people that haven't listened to a Deadsy record in years, I still talk to them. Actually it's funny Carlton, one of the guys in the band plays with Berlin part time now, and I saw him back in SLO before I moved and I hadn't seen him for more than five minutes in probably four years and it was like no time at all had passed. He's one of the great ones. I am grateful I got to spend a little bit with him before I moved up here.

And I'm grateful to L for bringing this group online again. I missed the constant interaction and I'm glad that at least for a little while, we're all together again.

This was filmed at the first show I ever went to.

Baseball

2010-10-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

As you may know my Red Sox took their ball and went home awhile ago. My back up team over the years has evolved into being the San Francisco Giants, and tonight they could clinch and go to the World Series.

My ex is a HUGE Giants fan. He probably loves Giants baseball more than anything on the planet. As much as we're not talking right now and as much as I think we both hurt each other over the past year or so, I know he's had a really hard year in 2010. This would be a huge deal to him, and I'd like to see it happen for him.

And for the rest of the fans out there. It's pretty neat to go to a sports bar here and see so many Giants fans totally freaking out. I sort of picked up the team from watching countless games with my ex and last year I took him to AT&T park to see a game and man it's a bad ass ball park. I'd love to go back again in the future, especially when I have more time to hang around the city, etc.

View from our seats

I was so freakin' fat last year, why didn't anyone tell me? It was also incredibly humid that day.

Irish Heritage night!

Beer! I still have those cups.

The gates of the park.

Then of course there is the man, Brian Wilson, who's number I'm wearing today:

This is of course without the weird beard.

Serious face.

This is the sign of a good game.

I don't know why, but this guy cracks me up and I love watching his interviews. He never does anything he's supposed to and he throws a baseball like he's shooting a bullet out of a gun. Love him. Seriously. Hate away, I love this guy.

Anyway after work I'm debating going somewhere to watch the game, because if they win tonight, I don't want to be home alone celebrating with the cat. She wouldn't be into it, the cat is a Red Sox fan.

spirit day (or why I'm wearing purple today)

2010-10-20T06:47:00.001-07:00

Today is now called Spirit Day

It's a day to show support for LGBT kids who are bullied and to try to call attention to the "recent rash" of suicides among young children/teens because they are being bullied for either being gay or being perceived to be gay.

I support the idea of calling attention to this. It is disgusting. It is horrible that kids are this mean to each other. I wonder where all these people who are so "concerned" now were before, because bullying isn't new. It isn't a fad.

As someone who was relentlessly picked on by the "popular" kids from about 5th grade until either my Senior year or graduation, I wonder where these people were when I didn't want to go to school (and some times just didn't) because I was sick of people picking on me. I was basically told by several people that if I would be more "normal," the "popular" kids would accept me and life would be grand. But I didn't want them to accept me, I thought they were total shit heads. I just wanted them to leave me the hell alone. Yeah, I was shorter than almost everyone. So I didn't ask to be short. And yeah I didn't have the "right" clothes because what freakin 5th grader needs designer jeans? Or 150 dollar shoes? Or why does it matter if I don't like the same things as you? But what went on with me was "just" kids being kids.

I like to think this awareness campaign is a lot of people my age, who got sick of being told to "be normal" and "just ignore it, it will go away," realizing that hey, we're the grown ups now, we get to make the rules and some other child or teen will not have to go through this on our watch. I look around at the celebrities coming out against this, Lady Gaga, Eve, Adam Lambert, Sarah Silverman, Ke$ha, etc and I realize that age wise these people are my peer group. We are the grown ups now. We're the adults. We get to "make the rules," and set the pace and we've decided this is NOT OKAY.

The other reason I am so fired up about this is I hate the stigma of being a "suicide survivor." I lost a very good friend and a huge part of my heart to suicide a couple of years ago and you know what is the worst? When people look at you like you're a freak because of that, or when people just won't let you talk about it, because yeah it's uncomfortable. If it's uncomfortable for you to hear about, how do you think someone who lost someone that way feels? How do you think it feels? I know people don't always know the right things to say but sometimes you just have to listen. There is no shame in knowing someone who chose to take their own life. It isn't your fault and you have every right to be angry, to be hurt, to be sad.

And I want any one to know that if they are considering something so drastic as to end their own lives, wait. Listen, I don't even know you and I love you. I will listen to you. I will hug you and take you for coffee/ice cream/lemonade and I will listen to you. If it isn't me, I promise you there is someone out there who will. Take a deep breath my tiny darlings and realize that the whole world is out there for you. I am living breathing proof that the bullying stops, it gets better. And the people picking on you? They may even apologize to you later in life. It's happened to me. Stand up, stand proud and realize that you are so freakin' amazing just the way you are, and that when you get older, people are going to fall all over themselves to know you. We "freaks" know this about each other. We stick together.

It's hard and it sucks to be a teenager. But when it's over and you survive it all, guess what? You get to lead your life the way you want. You get to make the rules.

Even now, YOU define who you are. Seriously mother eff any one who tells you that's wrong. You are more than ONE thing. You are not just gay, bisexual, lesbian, trans-gendered, short, black, white, Asian, Mexican, Puerto Rican, Muslim, Christian, Jewish, etc. You are artists, you are scientists waiting to happen, you are musicians, you are soon to be famous actors and directors, you are writers, you are future cops, firefighters, politicians. You are what's next. I am standing up for you now, because I need someone to run the world when I'm done. You're what is next, just hang in there. Just make it. Just know that this world is YOURS next and we need you and we love you.

so that was weird

2010-10-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

I met a girl last night at the Flyleaf show who is a fan of mine. Like an honest to goodness ran down the street and jumped up to hug me fan. I haven't experienced much of that.

Lacey from Flyleaf is actually smaller than me. She's very sweet and very pretty in person. I could put her in my pocket and taken her home. But Lily might have eaten her. That tiny.

Pretty weird to hug someone who's been nominated for a Grammy. Pretty weird to go on stage and not think a thing of it, but that's what Jeremy and I did last night.

Hung out with Adelle afterwards, while she ate her dinner after getting off work at Duffy's. Came home, watched some tv (I'm trying to see what the big deal is about the Vampire Diaries so I borrowed it. So far I'm not impressed but I was pretty exhausted last night.)

Got my Halloween costume yesterday. ITS PERFECT.

Had some sad news from back home. A former co-worker of mine and a fantastic lady has had Cancer for awhile now and yesterday they told her she has a week left. They told her she had six months to live about four years ago though, so obviously her doctors are wrong. Obviously.

Ben has had a cold since Sunday. He let me fuss over him and take care of him Sunday night because we were already together when he started feeling crappy but he's been holed up at home since. I miss him. My friend Cesareo is in town tonight playing a show and I'd like to take Ben if he's up to it.

Blah blah blah.

photo dump

2010-10-18T12:16:00.001-07:00

Beautiful at the Sacramento River

Ben and I at a fundraiser

Beer!

i'm a hypocrite

2010-10-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

It's true. I just saw this website www.thathigh.com and instead of laughing at the funny stories of the one time this one dude got high, I just got kinda mad. Anyone who knows me probably know why. I don't know I just feel like a large portion of the last few years of my life were ruled by someone else's need to smoke pot and I just don't even want to be around it anymore. Like I don't even want to smell it, which is not easy in Chico, especially at harvest. This whole town smells like Cheech and Chong's house.

Looks I know the benefits of weed. I do. I've been subject to many "legalize it" speeches and whatever. I get it. Weed can do all these miraculous things. I just don't really have any need to be around it or people that smoke constantly again. I'm good, thanks. And I guess maybe this site bugs me because it's just encouraging all the dumb stuff that people do while high. I realize textsfromlastnight.com does that for drunks and maybe that makes me a hypocrite, because I like to drink and because I think that site is funny. Or maybe I just don't find pot head humor funny. I don't know. I just got irrationally angry after seeing That High. Ugh whatever!

stuff i like/want

2010-10-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

Yes please

I took this running on the Bob Jones trail. I miss running on the Bob Jones trail. Yes I've kept the weight off that I lost doing it, but if it wasn't for this trail in the final months of my SLO life, I would've gone crazy.

I miss going dancing. I miss fresh new mixes every day. I miss having DJ's in my life. SEND ME YOUR MIXES, I WILL PIMP YOUR STUFF HERE ON THE BLOG!

This is Hello Kitty wearing headphones. On an iPhone case. WHY ISN'T THIS IN MY LIFE?

Jeremy (my ex, not the one I work with) and I used to go to countless art galleries. I fell in love with Shag. It's kitchy but I don't give a... Anyway this has always been one of my favorites but honestly anything with his cats is. Shag makes cats look great.

This is a square plate. I would like a new dinner set of square plates. I used to love my dishes SO FREAKIN MUCH but it's odd when someone breaks/loses/molds up to the point of not being able to be washed, your precious plates, they loose their luster. I am due for a new pattern. I want them square because I'm a freak.

So much want... I want a new bed set for my new bed so bad that I can TASTE IT. It tastes like Egyptian Cotton.

MMM sushi. Been so long since I've been....
Not real sushi, this ish stores data.

temper trap

2010-10-14T06:37:00.000-07:00

I do not have a bad temper usually. I'm pretty even when it comes to most things, aside from work and people screwing with people I love. For the most part whenever someone metaphorically shits on me, I just let it slide.

Yesterday I did not and I yelled and said some mean shit and hung up on someone. Not classy. Not my style. But I did it and I can't take it back. I may not even want to.

I realize that I hurt people sometimes. And I realize I do a lot of things wrong. But I do not wake up every day thinking how I'm going to screw someone over or hurt them. Sometimes I even panic when I don't know how to deal with a situation and try to do the least hurtful thing. And that usually ends up being wrong too.

I'm being vague because running off and blabbing to the internet about the little incident yesterday not really the thing to do... but I needed to get this off my chest.

People don't realize it, but when a relationship ends, both people are hurt. Continuing to remind a person who ended it doesn't change the fact that even the "dumper" as it were is in pain when they do it. I never take the decision to terminate any kind of relationship, friends or romantic, lightly. And in ending my last relationship, I agonized over that decision for months. Yes months. It wasn't all just the move. Or all just a friendship I had that got out of control. Or all money. There were a lot of reasons. The main one being I felt like I had already been given up on and had stopped mattering. And that's why.

This isn't to say I'm some kind of a saint. I am not. I did a lot of things wrong. Turns out I did some stuff wrong that I didn't even know I did! But I can't change it now and I guess the best thing to do now is let it go. Throw that pain out with the bathwater and hope that by cutting me completely out of their life, the person I hurt can find happiness. Because I want that for them.

It's all I ever wanted for them.

home

2010-10-13T06:47:00.000-07:00

So right now I'm trying to play my trip back to Bakersfield for Thanksgiving. Hell, I'm TRYING to go home for Thanksgiving. The way things have been going and the sheer distance involved, I am almost not sure I can. I don't get the day before Thanksgiving off. I basically can not drive at night and it's supposedly six hours to Bako from here, although it took me 10 hours last time I did the drive.

Ben may come with me, which would be cool because then he could drive us down the night before Thanksgiving after I get off work. That'd be great, yeah we'd get into town hella late, but it beats me dragging into town at like Noon on Thanksgiving day. We could stay until Saturday and then swing through SLO for a night if any of my friends are going to be in town (I'm looking at you Teresa!) because he's never been to San Luis Obispo and drive home Sunday morning EARLY. It's gonna depend on his school schedule and his work schedule and if of course he actually decides to come.

If I don't go home, this would be the first holiday in my life I didn't spend with my family. I have no idea what I'd do here. Maybe have an orphans Thanksgiving of my own... I guess I could take the train but I don't even know what that would cost, when it would leave, etc.

I have moved to the damn moon.

Been chatting with some of my people back home at the old stations and maaaaan I miss them. I forgot to mention that when I was home last month, Wild sounds as amazing as ever. I stopped in there twice over the weekend and was shocked at how much I missed it. When I was there on Saturday visiting someone I kept feeling like I should get up and do something. I may have even offered to voice track. It's silly but I felt more at home there at the end than ever did running my own station over across the street. Could've been the people I worked with. Could've been that whole thing where you have to bond when there are like three of you. Could've been working with my best friends. I don't know. I know we were "miserable" there a lot but it was a really special time and place for me and I'll never ever regret it.

Anyway I have radio of my own to make. We're in the middle of planning another huge event and I'm exhausted. Go figure.

the rah rah rah heard round the world

2010-10-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

"Bad Romance" just turned one. One song... Seriously changed my life. Ask anyone.

Brian Wilson

2010-10-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

In all your epic doucheyness you need to call me.

While I'm up, I need this shirt

Just so you know, he's from Mass... as in the Boston area of... So I'm not a total sell out. He's just a really hot douchebag. So I should probably date him. Stat.

This ends my being a girly moron portion of the day

blog-o-rama

2010-10-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

So a few years ago every one I knew was blogging like crazy. Now it's just a few of us left and some people I don't really know but I've been reading for awhile...

Anyway who do you read? I'm always looking for new people to check out. Leave your suggestions in the comments.

nights

2010-10-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

Last night Ben and I went to Chronic Tacos and then for drinks at the Bear and the Banshee with our friend Sarah.

This is us at the Bear

The funny thing about pictures of me, I rarely smile even when I'm having a great time. And last night was one of those great times. We were very silly, wandering downtown Chico, laughing at random stuff. It was good.

Sometimes things being simple is really awesome. Life got a little complicated back in San Luis Obispo at the end. Nothing I wouldn't have worked out and nothing I didn't work out but sometimes it feels like I was supposed to come here. Maybe for work. Maybe to save a friendship that could've gone really wrong if I hadn't made the jump. Maybe to help someone find the person they were supposed to be with. I never know why. But it's pretty good here most of the time, when people aren't trying to blow up my apartment or I'm not thinking of making the cat get a job.

Now if only my maid would show up and clean my damn house...when you work 10 hours a day, five days a week, you really don't usually feel like cleaning house on your day off.

eff chico

2010-10-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

So last night I was sitting in my apartment talking to Ben when I heard this "boom" sound.

It sounded like someone hit my car, so I ran outside. Nope, someone LIT MY LANDLORD'S CAR ON FIRE. Needless to say I FREAKED OUT. And ran outside to move mine. But then the tree next to our houses went up in flames and I don't know I just started crying.

I've had a really bad week. Like epically bad. I'm broker than shit, I am seriously trying to figure out how to live off of sixty dollars for the next 7 days without borrowing any money or whatever. I've had a couple of other ishy things happen to me in my personal life that aren't worth blogging about and the last thing in the world I wanted/needed is my house to burn the eff down.

I screamed up the stairs and Ben called the fire department. My neighbors came out. Ben came down and dragged me away from any of the cars because I didn't need to move mine and in case my landlord's new car exploded he kinda didn't want me to explode. So we stood there, me in my Hello Kitty pj's, and watched my house almost burn down.

The fire department came. The cops came. My poor landlord looked pretty upset. Duh, her brand new car had just exploded. Apparently my amazingly cool landlord had evicted someone and well, this was their idea of a good time and pay back.

I'm exhausted. I'm broke. I'm angry. I'm grateful my house didn't actually burn down.

Anyway...

We need you

2010-10-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

And my favorite one

Seriously. What the hell? I remember how mean other kids were growing up. It isn't harmless. It isn't "kids just being kids," and it is AWFUL. It sucks. I got picked on so much growing up for everything, and even yeah, a crap ton of people in my high school thought I was a lesbian (and that didn't bother me, it was the fact they were mean to me BECAUSE OF IT that bothered me.) and if it wasn't for my family and my friends and honestly my radio job I picked up when I was still in high school, I don't know how I would have dealt with it. Kids are ruthless and mean.

School and growing up... doesn't have to be like Lord of the Flies. Watch what you say around your kids... And you can cuss me all day every day for daring to tell America they might be doing something wrong, but constantly demon-izing a section of society because you don't agree with who or how they love? Eff that. You're wrong. Period. Argue with me all day. You're still wrong.

Two consenting, non related people in love? Why is that so freakin scary? Why is that cause for alarm?

mmmm

2010-10-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

I have never seen this show the Vampire Diaries, although I did read the books it was based on when they first came out. (I was in junior high.)

The soundtrack landed on my desk the other day and I have to say it's pretty sexy. This song is gorgeous. I'm in a pretty mushy mood today outside of the office and this song fits perfectly...

I'm getting well by the way. No more fever, just kinda run down still. I'm trying to take it easy the next couple of days but the gym is kinda calling my name too...

Dear Outside World....

2010-10-05T10:00:00.000-07:00

I am sick.

I knew it was going to happen. I felt pretty run down yesterday and kept assuming it was because I had a little too much fun over the weekend. I went taco tasting with Jeremy and eventually grabbed our friend Chris from the awesome La Cocina Economica and we ended up at Jeremy's watching the football game. Around 9 last night though it hit me, I was going to die. I wasn't just tired, I was actually going to die if I didn't go home.

I called Ben to come and get me because my car wasn't where we were when the feeling of DREAD hit me. He brought me home and I went to bed. This morning I woke up with a fever and a head cold. I went into work for a little while and got the station going for the day but basically got told by several people I should go home. So I took a sick day.

There's some bug going around at the office and I likely picked it up as well. Bryan's out sick today too. Small office, lots of germs.

Ben promised to check on me later. While I was curled up in a ball in my floor this morning willing away my possessions because obviously a 99 degree fever means I'm going to die, I mentioned to him that I wanted my dad and that I was certain I'd moved to the moon, 400 miles away from anyone who would miss me if I died so I could die of the Mongolian Death Flu and Lily was going to eat my face. Ben assures me he would notice if I died and will check on me and bring me some gatorade later. He helped me get ready for work this morning and told me it was okay if I had to puke. Ha ha. I didn't but it was nice of him to tell me that he wouldn't be grossed out.

I've never been good at being sick. I feel useless right now, even though I'm on my laptop in bed like a good little patient. I brought some work home with me too, like an idiot. I may be on death's door but goddamn it those taco tasting videos can get posted or something...

Bleh.

the mystery of the boy

2010-10-04T12:03:00.000-07:00

Danhella asked about Ben.

I've said his name a few times here and haven't really talked about him much, which is silly since I see him more than anyone else in Chico. I guess I was trying to be respectful of the feelings of my last boyfriend, because I do care how he feels, but he's known about Ben for a minute and from what I have heard out of his own mouth, is seeing someone else already as well, so... yeah let's talk about Ben.

This is Ben and I at Johnnie's. This was probably taken like a week ago. This is my favorite old man bar to drink at and I've turned Ben on to it. As of today I've known Ben for three months. We haven't been dating this entire time mind you, but I met him the weekend of my birthday. At first I was just stoked to have a friend, who was a local and who knew where I could get some tasty Thai food or when the best time to go to Duffy's was. Or you know a friend with horrible taste in Netflix movies, because he has horrible taste in Netflix movies, but excellent taste in tacos.

Ben has always been kinda protective of me and has taken care of me since I moved up here, weather it be feeding me when I've been broke or running me some cash at the golf tournament in Paradise or fixing my computer. He's always made me laugh and he has this great smile and silly sense of humor that I get. Plus he loves cats. A major requirement for the mom of a Lily Monster. And Lily likes Ben.

This is from when we went wine tasting. He'd never been before so I took him. We had a great time. We always have fun together. Even doing nothing, like when he comes over and brings his papers to grade and I catch up on Weeds and True Blood. Like that stuff is fun with us. Or when I cook these big elaborate meals because he likes my cooking. And he likes going to shows with me and hanging out with my two or three friends I do have here. I took him to Del Taco for his very first time last week on the way to and from Muse... Can you believe that, he's lived 45 minutes from Del Taco his whole life and had never been! Insane!

When I was in San Luis Obispo a couple of weeks back, I missed him. He watched my cat while I was gone. And he did my dishes and mopped my floor. He doesn't even live here, he just wanted to do something nice for me. He talked to me on the phone while I made my 10 hour trek back and was here waiting when I got home at 2 am. When my dad had to put Choco to sleep two weeks ago, Ben bought me flowers and went out with me and drove me home. And that was the night we decided that yeah, we're going to do this. We're together right now.

Ben hates football and won't play a long and wear a Seahawks hat on Sundays, but he goes with me every week if I want to. Even though it's not his thing, because he knows I like it. And there is generally booze at Sunday Funday. I'll convert him yet. He looks really cute in my Seahawks hat, but I promised I wouldn't post the picture. (It's really cute though.)

Ben's a little younger than me, no big deal. He's a grad student and scary smart. Total nerd. He's also teaching and installing something to do with dirt at some place in Oroville. He won't tell you this, but he's a great photographer and actually knows about music I've never heard before. He's also a fanatic about brushing his teeth and bought me some seriously awesome toothpaste once because I'd never tried it. (Toms of Maine, get some, its great.) He's also really cool about certain attachments I have to certain friends and either understands it or has given up trying to change my mind. Either way, he's rad about it.

The other thing I like about Ben.. he's no bullshit. He doesn't have a bullshit bone in his body. He's straight forward, even if I'm not going to like the answer. He gives great hugs, super comforting and he thinks I'm gorgeous and classy. So he can stay for now. Ha ha.

And that's the truth about Ben. Mystery solved

Day 30 - Your favorite song at this time last year

2010-10-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

Last day of the meme!

I wrote about this song another time, but yeah this was my first "favorite" at Wild. I used to drive home after work listening to it with my windows rolled down, feeling all pimp and stuff...

But there are more!

It's weird to think this was just a year ago.

To be honest, working over there in the Sea Shanty was one of the best/worst times of my life. I miss it, on the real.

Anyway... meme over, now what do I write about?

Day 29 - A song from your childhood

2010-10-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

I was a kid when MTV was new, so there are a ton of songs but here are two.

Madonna - Open Your Heart

I love Madonna. Sue me. I listened to a lot of Madonna growing up. But I remember this video from being little.

I also listened to a metric ton of Prince but he's a butthole and won't let his music be posted on Youtube. This is annoying.

The Bangles - Hazy Shade of Winter

I also LOVED the Bangles when I was in 2nd & 3rd grade. My friend Ria and I tried out for the talent show lip syncing to Walk Like an Egyptian. We didn't make it obviously but we had great outfits. Ria had all the best clothes. I can't remember when she moved away, but I do remember her mom telling her we couldn't be best friends anymore after she moved away. Stupid, who tells their kids that?

Tomorrow is the last day of this meme and I'm actually going to have to write real posts after this. Wow. Should be...fascinating.

Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

2010-10-02T09:10:00.000-07:00

I have two actually... So there.

Lady Gaga - Monster

The Veronicas- Untouched

No explanation today kids... if you think you know why, maybe you're right, maybe you're not.

Guilt is weird... You can feel guilty for doing something. You can feel guilty for NOT doing something. Maybe I feel guilty for a combination of both...

Either way both of these songs are bomb. Enjoy.

Day 27 - A song that you wish you could play

2010-10-02T09:09:00.001-07:00

I don't really have one. I'm just going to skip ahead to the next question...

sing for absolution

2010-10-01T06:40:00.000-07:00

Oh.

Here's what I hate: I hate that I've been feeling guilty, been keeping one of the best parts of my Chico experience a secret to spare feelings... Alot of people's feelings actually because I was flat out sure people back home would judge me for meeting someone so quickly after moving and I don't know, getting involved or whatever. It was never my intention and I don't wake up in the morning and think "How am I going to hurt people today?" because I was raised better than that.

I hate that I've been doing that and surprise some of the people I've been trying to avoid hurting? They've been hiding the same damn thing from me. And some people knew and didn't say anything. Not that I expected them to but for real?

At any rate, I don't feel guilty or bad or even wrong anymore.

I'm dating someone. There. It's out there. He's rad and as my friend Dain would say, he's a "stuff do-er." This Ben person, the cat even likes him. (Then again the cat is kind of a whore, but we love her anyway.)

I'm not mad. I'm not even like... what's the word I'm looking for... who cares? I'm sad because from everything I've been told about this next venture in the life of this boy I used to think I was going to marry? I was never his type anyway. We may have just been wasting each other's time for a long time.

Typical.

Anyway happy Friday bitches. I'm gonna be Lady Gaga about this and be a free bitch, baby.

Day 26 - A song that you can play on an instrument

2010-10-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

I can't play anything anymore. At one point I could play the clarinet, oboe, some sax and I learned the bells. Now I play Adobe Audition.

Thank god this meme is winding down.

Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh

2010-09-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

Another one from the friends of the program Hardnox. "Fist Pump," is hilarious. It's also currently being used by the play off seeking San Francisco Giants on their "Fist Pump Cam." Make sure you check out the 10.2.10 Giants Game to see Hardnox perform this at AT&T park.

signs that I'm not from Nor Cal

2010-09-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

Ben and I were drinking sake that his brother just brought back from Japan (like nothing in the box is in English) that comes in a juice box at the Muse show. Hipster much?

Also the crowds in Sacramento? Klassy. Yes with a K.

Even the largest city that's reasonable driving distance to me is moon like.

But from now on whenever I go to an arena show I'm renting a pregnant woman to go with. Adele made us all look responsible and people gave us a lot of space. Ha ha. But the baby enjoyed the show from what Adele said. Baby girl was dancing up a storm.

Day 24 - A song that you want to play at your funeral

2010-09-29T06:26:00.000-07:00

Flogging Molly - If I Ever Leave This World Alive

And obviously I want all my friends (all four of them here in Chico, ha ha) to have a huge party. No one is supposed to be sad. Jennifer already agreed to make sure it's quite a party, and she's younger than me so she'll make it happen when she's 85 and I'm 90. ;-) Bring your drinking boots.

Muse!

2010-09-28T05:54:00.001-07:00

Tonight, my afternoon guy and annoying brother I never knew I had, Jeremy, the lovely Adele and that one guy Ben ;-) and I are all heading down to Sacramento to see Muse at the Arco Arena with some other people from Chico, who I haven't met yet, but all of Jeremy's friends are cool so I'm not worried.

Road Trip! Concerts! Tailgating! Del Taco! Yes please!

Day 23 - A song that you want to play at your wedding

2010-09-28T05:46:00.000-07:00

This is a dumb question little meme, because I'm never going to get married. And that's not a woe as me statement, I just don't see it in the cards/stars for me. Let's be real, I've been asked twice. And almost a year later exactly, I was out the door. I'm just not the marrying type I guess. Too stubborn.

That being said, when I was younger and thought that it may happen and maybe I did have a big moon eyed crush on some guy I thought was just *perfect* (he is mind you, just not for me) I'm sure the idea crossed my mind. Sometime before I was even 21. And in this silly immature happily ever after senario, this was the song:

Back here in reality, when my ex and I were really talking about getting married (and yeah, we had all the fun parts planned out) this was going to be our first dance, because think about where we lived and who our friends were:

But hey, that never happened either.

Only a few days left of this meme, then I might actually have to make blog posts again!

Day 22 - A song that you listen to when you’re sad

2010-09-27T05:34:00.000-07:00

This is another odd/hard one, so I'm going to post a couple:

Dashboard Prophets - "Ballad For A Dead Friend"

Oddly enough I heard this song for the first time during an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I know next to nothing about this band and wasn't surprised that every video I found on youtube of it had something to do with some television show that had extremely dedicated fans that make fan videos. Don't ask me why, I just wasn't. Anyway this song always makes it into my sad bastard playlist. It's really the perfect song to feel sorry for yourself to.

Incubus - "Love Hurts"

It's very Junior High of me, but in the recent past I was often sad or at least bummed out because of this one guy I knew. We both really like Incubus. So when I was sitting around moping about this one guy I knew, this would be a song I'd listen to. Quelle immature. And no it's not who you think it is. Or maybe it is who you think it is. I'll never tell.

Bush - "Out of This World"

Another song I heard for the first time during an episode of Buffy. Seems odd, given what I do for a living, but Bush isn't really a band I listen to much, and this wasn't a radio single. Anyway this is pretty good sad bastard music. I listened to this a lot when I first got up here to Chico, on my iPod at night next to the pool.

Day 21 - A song that you listen to when you’re happy

2010-09-26T10:01:00.000-07:00

Hardnox - "Going Out Tonight"

These guys are so silly and friends of the show. I had the pleasure of hanging out with them when they played in SLO last year and they're rad dudes. Totes happy for them, they're playing at AT&T park next weekend because the Giants are using "Fist Pump" as a rally song.

I listen to this song every time I'm getting ready to head out. It reminds me of some fun times back home and also puts me in the mood to go out and dance.

Day 20 - A song that you listen to when you’re angry

2010-09-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

Against Me! -Turn those Clapping hands into Angry Balled Fists

This was on a mix cd Jennifer made me back in the Grover Beach days. We were both having a crappy winter and she made some CD for us both that reflected this. I listened to this song every single morning driving up the 101 for the entire month of November in 2005. Because I think we both felt like this that year. If something didn't do SOMETHING we were going to lose our minds and we were so bored we were actually angry about it.

"Turn those Clapping Hands Into Angry Balled Fists" - Against Me!

Sleep on pillows made in Singapore
Wrapped in comforters
Sweating through sheets
Drinking coffee in the morning
Floating on Airplanes across the vast seas

And your house is made of wood
Central air, central heat
You got your furniture of particle board
Your doors are locked for, for safety

And you walk in leather shoes
Pants of denim, a black cotton sweatshirt
And you do what you do
because doing can start to form a habit

And you drink all night long
And you sleep through the morning
And if something doesn't break
I'm just gonna go, go fucking insane

And you sweep up the floor when it's dirty
You do the dishes, when the sink's full
And when the refrigerator's empty
well it's time, it's time, it's time, it's time to go the store

You put your books on a shelf
Clothes arranged in the closet
You hang the things on the wall that you don't wanna be so easily forgotten

I hate these songs
I hate the words
That the singer is singing to me
I hate this melody
I hate this stupid fucking drum beat

But I'm not gonna tell anyone
What I'm really thinking about
Keep them conversations on the surface
Just keep on smiling
Just keep on saying
Everything's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright [x2]
Alright [x11]

Day 19 - A song from your favorite album

2010-09-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

Deadsy - Mansion World

Commencement is one of my favorite albums and to be honest, this band brought a lot of people into my life and I wouldn't be the same for not knowing them (the band themselves and the people) so they deserve a place in this meme.

goodbye ChocoGato Cat Dog

2010-09-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

Close to ten years ago when Jeremy Cross and I were dating and he lived with his band, his awfully stupid, but very sweet cat Nico got pregnant with a litter of the best kitties ever. Among the best of the best were Cheddar Bob and Choco Cat. It's funny because I wanted both of them, even though I already had a cat but a... anyway someone we knew adopted them. But they ended back up with us a couple of years later and had been a part of the family ever since.

Choco Cat was a great cat. He was HUGE like a dog and only meowed like this "me-ow. Me. Ow." unless he was talking to Mama D and then he would say "Mom." You think I'm joking but it's true. He always would climb in my lap when I went home and sleep and drool and purr. Huge baby. Best cat ever.

Unfortunately cats can't talk. No matter how much we think they can, they can't tell us when they're ill and so Choco couldn't tell my dad and Mama D he had a brain tumor. And sadly this afternoon he had to be put to sleep.

I will miss you, you big silly cat. You were a great companion and the biggest sweetie that ever was. You family and your cat family (Cheddar, Azriel and Lily) will miss you tons.

I love you big black dog cat.

all the kitties

Dads cats love their presents from Jennifer

Day 18 - A song that you wish you heard on the radio

2010-09-23T07:25:00.000-07:00

This is another one of those stupid questions. If I want a song on the radio, I make it so. Instead I'll just share my favorite song we're currently playing.

thoughts on my trip to SLO

2010-09-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

Man first of all I was glad to be home. It was great to know where everything was and see my friends and feel like I belonged. Don't get me wrong, I'm getting that way here, but to be able to walk into my Black Sheep and have something amazing dropped in front of me or an understanding face when I came back from visiting with someone else down there? Magic. Or seeing the amazing Jenn Wynn who doesn't facebook at Mr Ricks. Or putting my feet in the ocean...

Or my wonderful family there. The always amazing Tristan Negranti. My sister Teresa Lara. My hearts, Kristin, Micheala, and Jon! So cool of everyone to come out to see me. And of course the lovely Nicole who I missed like crazy. And yeah then there was my brother from another mother, the guy who kicked my ass up to the moon, Jojo Lopez, who probably didn't miss me one damn bit, but annoying the hell out of him was the best part of my day for about a year. No seriously, seeing everyone was crazy amazing and rad and I thank all of you for taking the time to put in facetime with me.

Leaving was hard. Not bawling my eyes out hard like when I moved, but definitely unpleasant. But I was grateful after many hours in the car to come home and find my amazing cat Lily had been well cared for by this boy person I know named Ben, who I have never mentioned by name here before. But there it is. I know a boy named Ben and he watched my cat and my apartment while I was gone. And he's pretty rad. So there's that.

Tonight I'm going downtown to see some live musics and probably eat tacos. Tacos morning noon and night people. It's how we roll in Chico.

I don't know when the next time I drop down from the moon will be. Hopefully before the end of the year. I miss you all dearly. I miss you more than I'll ever say out loud or on this blog. Yes, especially you...

Day 17 - A song that you hear often on the radio

2010-09-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

This question is dumb because the answer to it is "ALL OF THEM," as I live in the radio. However I just made a road trip and listened to quite a few stations and this is the one I heard a lot on that trip.

Nicki Minaj is so useless.

Day 16 - A song that you used to love but now hate

2010-09-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

The Starting Line - "Bedroom Talk"

I discovered this song on a road trip with an ex of mine I'll call Q. I'm gonna be straight up here, Q was a jerk. He was mean and manipulative and he'll never admit it or apologize. But I was in love with him in this really weird oblivious way because I thought he was THE ONE or something equally idiotic. This was our first road trip, we'd gone to Santa Barbara so he could cover some film conference for work and I walked around at the downtown area and went to a few record stores.

I bought a couple of "punk" compilations for the punk show I used to host and this song was on one of them. It came on as we were leaving Santa Barbara on our way to some wineries and he asked me if I'd spend the night at his house again that night (two nights in a row?!) and everything felt perfect.

Later when he dumped me in this really cruel manner and then fell off the face of the Earth, I decided that song sucked and I never wanted to hear it again.

Day 15 - A song that describes you

2010-09-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

Adam Lambert - "Whataya Want From Me?"

This was so my song there for a hot minute. Still is on some level, but I'm definitely in a better place in my head about something.

Vague it up a bit Bell. Jeeze. Anyway this is a great song. I'm posting it as a song that described not currently describes me, because honestly I can't think of anything that describes this place in my life...

Whataya Want From Me Lyrics

Hey, slow it down
What do you want from me
What do you want from me
Yeah, I’m afraid
What do you want from me
What do you from me

There might have been a time
I would give myself away
(Ooh) Once upon a time
I didn’t give a damn
But now here we are
So what do you want from me
What do you want from me

Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me
What do you want from me

Yeah, it’s plain to see
that baby you’re beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
It’s me – I’m a freak
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly

There might have been a time
When I would let you step away

I wouldn’t even try but I think
you could save my life

Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me
What do you want from me

Just don’t give up on me
I won’t let you down
No, I won’t let you down

So
Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, what do you want from me

Just don’t give up
I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
(whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me
whataya want from me

glimpses of a life

2010-09-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

"The worst that could happen? I could go home and kiss people. I DO THAT!"

"You kiss everyone, and tell everyone you love them. That's just you."

"You're okay with that?"

"I am strangely okay with that."

In 30 hours I'll be back in San Luis Obispo.

i wont be here

2010-09-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

So here you go

Day 11 - A song from your favorite band

Depeche Mode - Dangerous.

Yes, just yet

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate

VOMIT VOMIT

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure

JASON DERULO!

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love

This song kept my head on....

I miss the airplanes

the unstuck

2010-09-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

You ever think you completely have someone figured out or at least are starting to? And then something happens that is probably not even what you think it is and wham, you feel like an idiot and want very much to take back a lot of stuff you've said and just disappear off the face of the Earth?

.... yeah me either.

I'm going to work.

day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep

2010-09-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

Death Cab for Cutie - Soul Meets Body

This was the first song on my "go to sleep" playlist back in the Grover Beach house...